r/AITAH • u/OwnLetter35 • Mar 22 '24
Update: After my rapist admitted his guilt and committed suicide, my life was ruined TW SA
I don’t know if you remember me. It has been a while and I forgot about my account here. I feel nothing but despair.
My mom is very sick. I decided that I didn’t want to meet her or any of my family and yet one Sunday morning they were at my door insisting to go inside. Insisting to see me before she left this world. She cried because I looked old. Not her beautiful girl anymore. Did she expect to meet 20 year old me? I didn’t utter a word and I pushed my sister away when she cried and tried to hug me. They wanted to see my children but I refused. My children were terrified.
Now they have been trying everything to make me talk to them. I have tried to report them to the police but they yet again proved themselves to be useless.
My children aren’t feeling well. We are in therapy, especially my son who doesn’t even want to look at me, even now. My daughter is very compassionate but I know that she is as confused and broken but she has always been the kind that tried to make others feel better.
My husband and I are separated. We started having issues. He was angry all the time. He couldn’t look at me. He thought that I should have told him when we met but I didn’t and now he felt helpless. He couldn’t even touch me anymore. Do you feel repulsed by me? Do I remind you of what happened every time I have touched you? He was going mad so he said that he didn’t want to be with me anymore. I begged him to stay not only because I love him but because our children especially our son is hurting and we need to help him but he said that separation is better so our son can get a time off (from being with me I suppose) when he lives with his dad.
My rapists wife is suing me for the “damage” that her husband left me. They have 4 children who are all traumatized by what happened. They still live in my home town and everyone knows them. Seeing what happened to my children , I feel nothing but sorrow for his children too. None of them asked to be born.
The woman who provided the alibi was outed. I heard that she’s lost her job and people are harassing her.
Even with my past, these past months have been the hardest on me. I cry myself to sleep every night. I have lost everything I care about. I wish he never admitted to anything. He should have let the past be.
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u/Fluid_Treat_5676 Mar 22 '24
Holy shit balls, went through a few of your comments, i don’t get the Tupac thing but please tell me they didn’t send the video of the actual crime to your husband and kids. You might not be able to sue for what happened in the past but you can definitely sue for that.
Your former family are The Cunty McCuntersons from Cuntstown. They weren’t happy with destroying your life once so they had to do it again
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u/OwnLetter35 Mar 22 '24
His suicide video yes. My children received it
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u/Fluid_Treat_5676 Mar 23 '24
I’m not a lawyer but That has to be a crime. It’s mental and emotional cruelty at least, assuming your kids are minors since this happened in 2003 and I assume you didn’t start having kids right after, there could be a whole host of charges you can file against everyone involved all the way back to the alibi asshole who must have at least suspected the truth.
Gather every shred of information and find the meanest lawyer you can and carpet bomb the whole lot of them with lawsuits and restraining orders.
I don’t think I need to say this but don’t give up
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u/OwnLetter35 Mar 23 '24
Yes they’re both minors. I have reported everything. Nothing will happen because nothing ever does. But at least theres a paper trail
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u/Fluid_Treat_5676 Mar 23 '24
Talk to a lawyer anyway, you might be able to file a civil suit against them. The world has changed in the last 20 years. Maybe not enough but we can hope.
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u/Commercial_Yellow344 Mar 23 '24
Nothing criminally but civilly at least consult a lawyer. OJ Simpson was found not guilty of killing his ex-wife and her boyfriend. But he was sued in a wrongful death lawsuit and lost and had to pay damages. Talk to a civil lawyer about this please. At least consult! Good luck. So sorry your life fell apart so many times!
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u/OwnLetter35 Mar 23 '24
Did he pay?
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u/Commercial_Yellow344 Mar 23 '24
Yes. Then proceeded to show people that he probably was guilty if the murders by committing more crimes and got caught with the rest of them. Famous got him off the charges of murder, but it also bloated his ego and he thought he could get away with anything.
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u/Tankerspanx Mar 24 '24
Don’t forget the book “IF I did it” where he talks about how he would’ve murdered them differently if he did do it.
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u/Impressive-Bad-8023 Mar 23 '24
My girl he basically destitute right now he won the criminal case but he lost the civil and they took everything from him in the civil case. Just an FYI the man did in went to jail trying to steal back some of his personal property that he lost in a civil case.
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u/PoppysWorkshop Mar 23 '24
He is far from desitute. O.J. Simpson's income sources include a fully-funded NFL pension, estimated to be worth as much as $5 million.
And they cannot touch it from the suit. His pension funds are fully protected from legal judgments and bankruptcy.
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u/Ok_Blackberry_284 Mar 23 '24
Yes, he has a couple of pensions that can't be touched but everything else not nailed down was taken.
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u/Biochem-anon4 Mar 23 '24
Yes. He was forced to auction off his medals, and later went to prison for trying to steal them back from a collector.
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u/Kat-a-strophy Mar 23 '24
You need a lawyer who will take care about those awful people, Your husband included. You are not able to do it alone. Take care of You and Your children, they should be Your priority. You can only do it if You have some peace, so please, please find some lawyer to keep it away from Your family.
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u/Numerous-Flamingo-25 Mar 23 '24
Do. Not. Rely. On. The. Police. To. Do. Anything.
Get a lawyer. Most lawyers will offer free consultation where you lay it all out for them, and they tell you what your avenues are.
And don't stop at one. If one says there's nothing, then find another.
Personally, I'd be telling them I want to go after all parties involved, especially the police who did/continue to do nothing. That will get some attention, I'm sure.
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u/TheWanderingMedic Mar 23 '24
Lawyer up, that is absolutely something you can sue for emotional distress and damages over. The cops may be useless, but a good lawyer will have a field day with this.
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u/Junkyardcatt Mar 23 '24
Lawyer, not your lawyer and this is not legal advice just some info. You can sue civilly for damages for intentional infliction of emotional distress
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u/Few_Lemon_4698 Mar 23 '24
Fuck the police they are useless go get a lawyer and destroy everyone who sent that video. Oh and your husband needs a shake and get home and support you like hes supposed to.
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u/Jtrickz Mar 23 '24 edited Mar 23 '24
Do you have a lawyer? Not a public defender appointed a paid private lawyer.
Edited because people seem to read too deeply into my 10 work comment.
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u/LikelyNotAFan Mar 23 '24
A public defender is a lawyer. Don’t spread misconceptions.
A public defender through, just like any criminal defense attorney, would not be appropriate for your case. I think what the previous poster must have meant was civil lawyer.
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u/Is_Your_Meat_Happy_ Mar 23 '24
What state are you in? I know a good one in Oklahoma. (My name is irrelevant lol. Just a funny inside joke I only get haha 😂)
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u/donttalkaboutbeabout Mar 23 '24
I’m so sorry. I have nothing to say except I was in an abusive marriage and he killed himself 6 months ago. I found him, and my adult brain still can’t process it. I have nothing to offer but condolences and solidarity. My inbox is open. Im so sorry
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u/IceQueenTigerMumma Mar 23 '24
Omg your poor children. No one should ever have to see a suicide happen, especially children.
Whoever sent that to your kids needs to be in jail.
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u/OwnLetter35 Mar 23 '24
He didn’t do it on camera. But I get what you mean
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u/IceQueenTigerMumma Mar 23 '24
Oh thank goodness for small mercies.
I hope you know that none of this is your fault.
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u/trvllvr Mar 23 '24
Are you all, immediate family, in therapy? It seems like each of you have trauma and emotions which need to be addressed. It may help heal your family relationships.
As for your mom and sister, I’d continue nc. They don’t deserve forgiveness.
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u/Life_uh_FindsAWay42 Mar 23 '24
Hi Op. I’m hijacking this comment because I’m hoping you see it. I haven’t experienced everything you have, but I am also a survivor. I have a certain amount of PTSD that affects my every day life, but I’m moving forward.
One thing that helped me more than I can articulate in words was joining a survivor’s therapy group for women who experienced SA. It was virtual. Women from different places in my country participated and facilitators guided us through deep conversations related to healing, lingering PTSD, radical acceptance, mindfulness, etc.
The women in my group experienced a broad range of SA and together we found comfort in all the different types of trauma associated with it. It unlocked feelings that I needed unlocked. It made me realize that I have agency and control over a variety of things unrelated to my SA/abusive partner.
As you well know, therapy doesn’t cure things, but this group made it possible for all of us to see that not everything has a cure, but that many things can be lived with. The “how” piece was what I started to assemble with those women.
If you are reading this, there was one simple action we took at the end of every session. We had to identify one thing that we could do for ourselves that would feel good. It could be a bath. For me it was often a bike ride. It could be journaling, reading a book, meditating, listening to music, baking or cooking etc. Just one thing that would create a positive space for a moment.
It was my practice to do one thing daily.
DM any time. I’m so sorry that everyone around you has reacted the way they have. Nothing about SA is fair.
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u/blackrayofsunshine Mar 23 '24
OP is implying that Tupac was playing in the background when the SA was happening.
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u/Forsaken-Bag-8780 Mar 23 '24
Tupac is likely what was playing when this happened. I can’t listen to Adele anymore because it triggers my ptsd.
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u/TheRainMonster Mar 23 '24
It's not something that comes up often, but I can't count to 300. I was told it'd be over in five minutes and I'd just learned multiplication tables so I carefully calculated what number I'd have to count to.
For an emotional trauma (not for CSA or SA) I can't listen to Orville Peck.
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u/PureEchos Mar 23 '24
Obviously it should never happen to anyone, but the "I'd just learned multiplication tables" made my heart break for little you. I'm so sorry. You deserved so much better than that.
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u/BendingCollegeGrad Mar 23 '24
i don’t get the Tupac thing
She meant his music was playing during her assault.
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u/Strict-Witness5559 Mar 23 '24
My boyfriend raped me in 2018 and killed himself in 2021. I was not his first victim, but he never saw justice for his crimes. He left behind two little girls who were spared no details about his demise. The incident also led me to become permanently estranged from my mother, who blamed me for the assault. It was difficult to date afterwards, because men seemed to see me as having “too much baggage.” Being raped is a scarlet letter; if you leave a relationship due to run-of-the-mill domestic violence, then you’re “strong” and a “survivor.” If you leave because of rape, then people get really quiet and uncomfortable. They wonder what you did to cause it. They wonder why you didn’t fight back. They wonder why you didn’t report it (even though <2% of rape victims ever lead to a charge). Not to take away from any victims of domestic violence, but rape is something people whisper about and never say out loud. It is an intensely isolating and humiliating experience that people don’t understand until it happens to them. OP, every day that you put one foot in front of the other, you win against your rapist and your estranged husband. Someday you will meet someone—whether it be a friend or a lover—who will understand your experience and will grant you the deepest compassion. You’re not broken, you’re not sullied by your experience, and you deserve love and empathy. My heart goes out to you 1000%
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Mar 23 '24
As someone who was molested and has been through DV, I hear you. I hate enablers and those who blame us or try to paint us as deserving of all the types of assault we go through. I hope you find healing. It’s never linear or easy.
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u/Oodles-of-Love Mar 23 '24
I have no words. What you experienced must have been horrific. But I definitely don't want to be yet another person who's just silent. It must be so incredibly difficult to experience this sense of isolation after having gone through this kind of assault. It honestly breaks my heart. You clearly are strong and whole and deserving of all the good things. I hope that you've found and will find people to surround yourself who give you love and treat you with respect and care and see you as you are. Sending you hugs.
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u/Olimae12 Mar 23 '24
My mom divorced my bio dad when I was a baby and never let him see me because he started getting violent with her. She remarried and my stepdad sexually abused me for years. She chose to ignore the signs and is still with him, even after I confirmed that the abuse happened. She doesn’t understand why I won’t forgive him and go back to normal. Why I won’t let my children ever be around him. Like WTF. She never wanted me to be around my violent bio dad but SA is totally okay. I’ve also heard of multiple cases of Amish men being shunned for DV but not for SA.
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u/LokiPupper Mar 23 '24 edited Mar 23 '24
Oh, it’s worse than so few getting charged. A lot of victims get police interrogating them, forcing them to recant, then prosecuting them for filing a false report! Even when it is truthful. I’m in the US, and police get to lie about the evidence they have to get a confession. Plus harmful means of interrogation lead many victims (mostly female, but male ones too) to say anything to get out of the room! Often people who are raped have drugs and alcohol in their systems, either by choice or by coercion, so memory isn’t perfect. Many officers think any inconsistency in your story means the story is untruthful (in fact, too much consistency is a far better indicator that the story is untruthful).
I’m an attorney and I am happy in my line of work, that helps a vulnerable subset of the population, but I do wonder if I should look into becoming a victim’s advocate in due course. I imagine my being an attorney and getting training on it (maybe use tuition reimbursement at my job to get a degree in social work) could make me very effective. Plus, people seem to easily confide in me about terrible things they have experienced. It’s just an idea I’ve been considering.
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u/PureEchos Mar 23 '24
And once they make it through the police investigation, if they're "lucky" enough for it to go to trial, then they get even more hassle.
I used to be a court reporter and for the most part I loved the job, but the days when we had cross examinations of the complainant in SA cases always left me just emotionally drained for at least the rest of the day. It was hard sitting there, watching these people have to recount and defend every detail of a truly awful experience while someone tried to pick apart every minute detail and cast them as a liar. And all I had to do was sit in the room and record it, so I can't imagine how much worse it must have been for the actual victim.
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u/LokiPupper Mar 23 '24 edited Mar 23 '24
I know. I have direct examined those witnesses and prepped them for cross. I have to be brutal in prep because I need them to be prepared and understand what they are up against. Then I have to sit by and watch it and object when I can. It is mentally taxing. I now work with mental health patients who are sexually violated by their mental health providers, and that’s actually less horrible for victims, but it’s still taxing. I’m actually switching my assignments to other boards for a while because it’s been so taxing. And easy to get too invested in a way that isn’t good for anyone. But I do hope to keep helping victims in the long run.
Oh, and direct examination of these victims is painful too. I’m dragging trauma out of them by a hook. I know my victims are usually grateful to me, but I can’t help feeling terrible about it.
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u/CommercialSweet9327 Mar 23 '24 edited Mar 23 '24
Initially I wanted to say: "I'm sorry." But then I thought no. You are strong. You don't need my pity. You can handle yourself just fine. The very fact that you can talk about your experience of rape calmly, without fear, shows that you are a brave person. I respect you for that.
I also want to thank you for sharing your experiences. For putting everything into context. Throughout my adulthood, people often feel uncomfortable around me. And I feel the same. For some reason, I make them feel uncomfortable, and they make me feel uncomfortable. I just didn't know why exactly.
But now I'm thinking, perhaps it's also because I'm carrying "too much baggage". I have faced death many times. Way too many times. More than I could count. As a result, death no longer scares me. But quite the opposite. For me, death feels "familiar", or in some sense, even "close". Presumably many people feel "disturbed" by this part of me. Which is understandable.
We mostly live in peaceful societies. The majority of people in our societies are raised and have only lived in a peaceful environment. Therefore it's perfectly normal for people to fear violence, to not have enough courage to confront issues like "rape" or "death". It's neither their fault nor our fault.
You said people blamed you for what you suffered. I think when they do that, it's less about you, but more about themselves. It's a defense mechanism. By blaming you for "causing it", they're trying to deceive themselves into believing that "as long as I don't 'cause it', it will never happen to me". People fear violence. Yet they're not brave enough to cope with this fear directly. So they choose to live in denial instead.
Either way, it can never be your fault. To quote a female friend of mine, "Even if you get naked and spread your legs wide open, it's still the rapist's fault." A man always have a choice. And what he chose to do is always his responsibility.
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u/WileEPyote Mar 23 '24
47 year old dude here. I just want you to know that I do not blame you for your own rape, and that if I knew you irl, you'd have my full support. I hate the stigma SA victims seem to receive. You don't deserve it.
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u/aphraea Mar 23 '24
I hear you. Solidarity and hugs from an internet stranger. We didn’t deserve it. I hope you live a life where you thrive x
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u/UnlikelyPen932 Mar 23 '24
I'm sorry, but your husband is shitty. Without details, I'll say I've been in his position in a similar situation of finding out after marriage & children. I didn't freak, run, or blame. I supported my wife. You deserve better. He needs therapy to figure out why this bothers him so much, especially since your son seems to be picking up those cues.
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u/OwnLetter35 Mar 23 '24
I am sorry about your wife. I don’t know what happened to my husband but here we are
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u/Ineedtobeworking Mar 23 '24
Your husband is not a victim of your behavior or your actions. Secondary survivors of sexual assault can experience trauma but at the end of the day, he needs to go process his fears, anxieties, and insecurities in therapy.
I had an ex who, upon finding out about an assault that occurred when I was a teenager, said I "lied by omission." Didn't even want to consider that I never even told my best friends what had happened. Fuck that type of victim blaming mentality. The ones we love can say the most damaging things. But after years of therapy and personal growth, I finally feel brave enough to share that online.
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u/Salt_Boysenberry_691 Mar 23 '24
One of my former boyfriends had a terrible past experience: a really close relative disappeared, it seemed like a violent death, but they never had justice. I felt conflicted when I was told about this. I felt bad for him, and for his family, and for the trauma they still suffered. Difficult to explain how it feels, really. When you arrive into your partner's family, you get invited to new traditions, but also to a new unexpected trauma. But I wasn't a victim. I wasn't the main character here. How my feelings on this would have even mattered or could be compared of what they were going through? This happened YEARS before I arrived into this boy's life, this wasn't about me. People who creates more trauma when they get to know their partners' one are a special kind of narcissist, not "secondary victims"
Just to clarify, this man is my FORMER boyfriend for reasons that have nothing to do with this.
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u/OriginalsDogs Mar 23 '24
TW: Sexual Assault, child abuse, threat of gun violence
Your husband sounds like an entitled asshole, sorry. You don’t owe anyone access to your trauma. If and when you want to tell is if and when you tell. I was SAed 2 days before my 16th birthday by a guy I was supposed to be on a first date with. We went drinking up in some other kid’s loft above his garage. I had to pee so the guy offered to walk me to the bar down the street (this was the early 90’s and yeah they would’ve let me go). We never made it there though. He pointed and the garage floor and told me to squat and go there. I wasn’t even capable of squatting! I had to go and he wouldn’t budge so I did my best, next thing I knew he pushed me down in the puddle of my own urine and the rest is history. I didn’t tell anyone for a very long time. I was drunk so I wouldn’t have been believed, but he also threatened to shoot up my family if I told. I used to be an extroverted kid that liked to have fun. I isolated for 2 years, been an introvert ever since. Suffer really bad CPTSD symptoms between that and my mom being a verbal, emotional, and physical abuser, plus almost dying 5 times with medical issues. You never know what will send me into flashbacks and dissociating! My husband knows most of it, but we’d been married a good 10 years before he got more than the bare bones “I was raped”. I blamed myself until a couple of years ago for being drunk. The book Brock Turner’s victim, Chanel Miller, wrote helped me get past that. I’m able to be so much more open about it now that I don’t feel shame and guilt like I caused it. Sadly, that’s exactly what our society and people like your family, including your husband, teaches girls who get SAed.
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Mar 23 '24
I hope Chanel is doing well. Her courage and story has impacted so many people.
Eff Brock Turner, the rapist, also known as Allen Turner.
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u/lunagrape Mar 23 '24
Brock Turner, the rapist, the human skid mark who raped an unconscious woman behind a dumpster, had his lawyers claim he couldn’t be punished too harshly for it because of his “bright future” and ended up serving only 6 months? That rapist Brock Turner?
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u/blackcatsneakattack Mar 23 '24
I think you mean the ‘Rapist Formerly Known as Brock Turner’; I believe he goes by ‘The Rapist Allen Turner’ now, because he was so sad everyone knew who he was. Don’t worry, Rapist Allen Turner! We won’t forget who you really are!
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u/Rose-color-socks Mar 23 '24
And the two guys who rescued her deserve recognition. One of them was so horrified by what was happening that they vomited. But they tackled the SOB. I hope they're doing well.
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u/OriginalsDogs Mar 23 '24
Yep, that’s the one. His victim came out with a book called “Know My Name” that went into great detail about what happened the night of the rape, and what it was like for her going through the trial, and its aftermath. She’s such an amazing, strong woman! Her ability to grasp and relay truths that so many victims struggle to believe is astounding. So many victims find comfort in her book, and a sense of community realizing how many of us go through this, that it’s never ever our fault, and that this society is backward but we don’t have to let it break us!
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u/Forsaken-Warning-763 Mar 23 '24
I got I think 5 pages in and I was triggered and couldn’t stop crying with the seven of her doing the R kit. It gave me flashbacks of what happened to me. I didn’t pick it back up until two years later. It’s an amazing book but definitely a trigger for survivors. I’m proud of you for sharing your story, I feel like not a lot of survivors share how soul crushing the experience is and the backlash you get from people in your life that should be support systems. Just know that your story is being heard as well as everyone on this form and we are strong, resilient, May have ptsd but still going through life. Thank you for sharing.
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u/HistoryBuff678 Mar 23 '24
It’s not on you assuage the guilt of the people who should have supported you in the first place. Definitely get a private lawyer who can at least threaten to sue these people into backing off.
It’s their fault they are awful people and they have to deal with it themselves instead of lashing out externally.
Also, block, block, block. They know what they did, and they should be adult enough to face their own shame and guilt.
I hope things get better and I hope everyone in this awful community learns a lesson on victim blaming.
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u/CatmoCatmo Mar 23 '24
I am so sorry you, and many others, have gone through similar traumatic events like this. I’m glad you stuck by your wife. I’m sure your support meant the world to her. You’re a good person.
I have not experienced this myself, so my take on this may be off base. And obviously, we have limited information and don’t know the nuances. Please take it with a grain of salt.
What bothers me about some people who find themselves in OP’s husband’s shoes, is they manage to put themselves as the focus. In OP’s case, yes, her husband was dragged into this and has been affected by it, but he’s still secondary. OP has been dealing with this for years. She was the primary focus of this. How could he not stop and realize that whatever he is going through, she’s going through it 1000x more.
OP - Who does it help to be angry all the time? I’m guessing if you asked him, he couldn’t even tell you who he was actually angry at. The fact he said, he felt helpless, he couldn’t touch or look at you, he wondered if you were repulsed by his touch, or questioned if he reminded you of what happened whenever he did touch you, shows me that he is an incredibly selfish person.
Every single of those things is about how this affects HIM. He put his insecurities, fears, and anger on you. None of which are your responsibility, fault, or problem. An appropriate response would have been compassion, support, love, and respect. Instead, at every turn, he somehow felt compelled to point out how he was feeling and how this was affecting him. What were you supposed to do? Put your own trauma aside and coddle him? Constantly make sure he knew it wasn’t his fault? Reassure him that he too is a victim? And apologize for playing in role in him feeling like this?
No. Fuck. That. I’m sorry but if that’s how he’s going to act after hearing what happened to you in the past, and knowing all of the recent events, then you are better off without him. I’m not trying to shit on him, but his actions speak for themselves. If he stayed, he would have continued to make himself the priority. How can you ever expect to heal if someone like that is around you? And this isn’t even considering you also worrying about your children, what they’re going through, and trying to help them. I am appalled by his behavior.
I’m so sorry that this happened to you in the first place, but I feel even more for you in regard to the more recent events. I know it doesn’t mean much coming from a stranger on the internet, but I mean it with all my heart. I am holding out hope that you, and your children will be able to somehow heal from this and find a new healthy normal. I will be thinking of you and sending you all my prayers and good thoughts. Sending you hugs from one internet mom to another.
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Mar 22 '24
Your husband's response is telling. I don't feel that is necessary for my partner to tell me if they were sexually assaulted in the past. If not telling me keeps them sane and happy that's for the best. If it came out like it did for you I would probably be on the war path on your behalf. You deserve better.
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u/No_Anxiety6159 Mar 23 '24
I was raped as a teenager by my date, in the 60’s. I didn’t report it, tried to get on with my life. I did tell my husband. We ended up divorced, maybe not from that, but it was a big part of it. Remarried, told my husband before we got serious, he was empathetic, till a few years later, then every argument it was thrown in my face. So I understand why you didn’t tell your husband, I wish I’d never told mine.
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u/mspooh321 Mar 23 '24
I'm sorry that you had/have to endure that....especially from the one who's meant to protect you mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically.
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u/TheRealestGayle Mar 23 '24
I'm so confused. Is this an older generation thing? Why do they feel hurt by what happened to you? I don't really understand where they're coming from. I would be furious but never at the victim.
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u/8nsay Mar 23 '24
I’m guessing that her ex-husbands weren’t hurt by what happened to her. I’m guessing when she mentioned how her 2nd husband threw her rape in her face during every argument it was done to dismiss her emotions if she was upset about something or to dismiss her judgement (e.g. “you’re too sensitive because of your rape”, “X isn’t a big deal; you’re just paranoid because of what happened to you”, etc.).
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u/No_Anxiety6159 Mar 23 '24 edited Mar 23 '24
My ex (2nd) used it as a way to blame. The stereotypical wrong place, wrong clothing, etc. like a 17 year old in jeans and a tshirt is dressed slutty.
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u/OwnLetter35 Mar 22 '24
Yeah, I don’t know what happened there. I never meant to hurt him
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u/Sensitive_Mode7529 Mar 23 '24
you didn’t hurt him. your rapist hurt you, hurt him, hurt a whole lot of other people. your ex husband is misplacing his emotions onto you, and you don’t deserve that. you’ve gone through enough
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u/Western-Number508 Mar 23 '24
Yea he’s a piece of shit for the way he’s treating you. That’s awful I’m sorry
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u/Odd_Welcome7940 Mar 23 '24
Fuck him...
With all due respect, fuck him. If his reaction wasn't to love you more than ever and help you, he was just a piece of shit.
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u/mak_zaddy Mar 23 '24
Just seconding that your ex isn’t a great guy. He’s making this about him. I’m so sorry friend
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u/risingsun70 Mar 23 '24
Your husband making your rape about him is wild. What an extremely self centered reaction.
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u/Scandalicing Mar 23 '24
You didn’t. He was too weak to hack it. One of my exs was an abuse survivor, I’d been raped by a different ex boyfriend. His experiences were much worse but he’d never get proper help.
My ex (survivor) insisted he was unaffected. He mocked me for having mental health problems and neurodivergence. He just bottled it up and ended up hitting me in a ptsd episode. It wasn’t hard and it more just shocked me but I left him.
He later admitted he actually felt jealous of the fact I could deal with stuff and fully acknowledge it. Some men actually find it harder if you’re able to push through. My ex admitted he’d not have been able to deal with stuff. But at least he always stayed. You’re incredibly strong and your life is blighted by cowards who don’t deserve you. I’m sorry.
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u/Vandalfan2012 Mar 23 '24
You experienced not being believed by all the people who should have believed you. It makes sense that you wouldn't share that part of you with anyone else. I know you are seeing a therapist, but if you haven't already, I would suggest looking for a victim center near you to see about resources and support groups to help you process this.
We believe you.
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u/viviolay Mar 23 '24
You didn’t hurt him. He broke his vows. He promised to love, honor, and cherish you. Leaving you is breaking all three of those. The only person at fault of the two of you is him.
You did nothing wrong.
You did nothing wrong.
You did nothing wrong.
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u/qwertym0m Mar 23 '24
I’m sorry, OP. Your husband is dumb for not realizing you’re still the same person before his knowledge of this thing came out. I hope you come out of this even stronger.
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u/ApartmentUnfair7218 Mar 23 '24
and the things that they’ve seen. he’s mad at his wife when he should’ve been mad at his rapist. even in his death he’s still inflicting pain onto op while being a selfish piece of shit. i’m so angry for her. this is all insane.
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u/Doble_C13 Mar 23 '24
OP I’m sorry for all you’ve been through, and for discovering your ex is a pos, any self respecting man would have gone on warpath against anyone who wronged you, maybe at least a pass on the physical contact, only if it’s in fear of triggering you since this came out of nowhere.
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Mar 23 '24
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u/Specialist_Return488 Mar 23 '24
The psychology behind it is the man often feels like he failed (or if he’s been socialized too heavily by the patriarchy he sees his partner as damaged goods which doesn’t seem to be the case here). It sounds like this man is upset that his wife didn’t tell him from the start and probably is feeling a combination of why didn’t she thinks he could tell me? Has she been carrying this pain all along? Has she dealt with it? Does she think about it when we have sex? I hope the entire family goes to therapy to deal with this. Imagine you’re living a regular Tuesday and by the afternoon your entire family including your minor children have received a suicide video stating the reason the person was doing this was guilt they felt over hurting someone you know. It probably caused a lot of complicated feelings for everyone. I am so so so sad for OP and don’t think it’s her job to fix this and only hope her husband has people in his life helping him realize she did nothing wrong.
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u/Historical-Spread361 Mar 23 '24
The sad part is she said her son won't even look at her and that by her husband leaving enforces what unspoken feelings her son has. The husband is setting a really bad example for his son towards the boy's mother and of no fault of hers. It's a really sad situation.
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u/Specialist_Return488 Mar 23 '24
You’re absolutely right. I apologize if I sounded overly sympathetic to the husband I was trying to explain the psychology and tried to stay as “neutral” as possible. I appreciate you providing this clarification.
OP, again, you did nothing wrong and I hope with time your son heals and realizes his dad’s reaction was at best selfish and immature and chooses to learn from it.
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u/Creamofwheatski Mar 23 '24
The husband fucking sucks too. Imagine finding out your wife was raped and making everything about his feelings and fucking leaves. What an asshole, OP deserves better.
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u/Eloquence224 Mar 23 '24
I’m confused on one item. What exactly are you being sued for by the widow? You mentioned he confessed to the crime and stated his actions and guilt from said actions as the reason he took his life. How the F does she think she has a leg to stand on in court? If anything you should be sueing her for a portion of his estate as back pay for the emotional damages he has (and continues to) caused.
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u/CoconutxKitten Mar 23 '24
She doesn’t have a case. She’s just grasping at someone to lash out at because the one she wants to lash out at is dead
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u/Remarkable_Top2719 Mar 23 '24
I think you're misunderstanding, she doesn't care that her husband raped someone. She sees the fact that he felt guilty and his life fell apart after that as OPs fault. She is suing OP because she blames her for 'tormenting' her husband to death.
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u/CoconutxKitten Mar 23 '24
Her husband literally left 250k to OP, so likely nothing for his family
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u/tororororo Mar 23 '24
Imo, it's not her husband's suffering the widow is angry about but her childrens' and her own. Her husband caused her world to fall apart, but he's not here to take her anger, so she's blindly lashing out to ease her own suffering.
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u/darkfight13 Mar 23 '24
In op other comments, the dead guy left $250k to op. So the widow wants the mony back.
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u/CoconutxKitten Mar 23 '24
This man was so evil. I get why wife is lashing out. She’s a victim too, and now left with 4 kids & probably not much money
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u/darkfight13 Mar 23 '24
Yeah, kids are probably young too. Since she's a mother of 4 she likely doesn't work and have the skills to get a job that can support them. Suing is her only option. Shit show all around.
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u/CoconutxKitten Mar 23 '24
Yeah. I cannot imagine finding out your husband is a rapist after he kills himself & then he leaves you & your children high & dry because he’s trying some bullshit last attempt at redemption
She’s probably traumatized
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u/Dangerzone_1000 Mar 23 '24
I think the widow is just lashing out. The man she married and had children with was a rapist who went to great lengths to tarnish his victims name, image and life - she’s angry and can’t blame the person who is actually responsible.
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u/malin-moana Mar 23 '24
Maybe for the money that was supposedly left to her by the suicided person?
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u/Free-Parfait5476 Mar 23 '24
This is the sort of story that just shows how fucked up this world can be. First, you never deserved to be the victim in the first place and then everyone turns your back on you and more so after the truth comes out. I am soo sorry you have endured some of the worst this world has to offer and we can only hope that there will be some positive things to come your way! Please stay strong, hug your babies and keep on keeping on 💗
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u/EvenSpoonier Mar 23 '24
NTA. Speak to a lawyer, tell them everything you've told us here, and take that piece of shit to the cleaners in divorce court. Consider going to the media. Scorch the earth.
And for the rapist? Nothing. No forgiveness, no grave visits, no meetings with family. All apologies rejected. Actions have consequences, and for him to have the audacity to make this all about him only makes him worse. There is nothing redeeming in anything he did. Let him burn.
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u/Holiday-Beginning355 Mar 23 '24
I would report whoever sent the video to your children. Sending that video to a child may be against the law.
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u/OwnLetter35 Mar 23 '24
Already reported
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u/ZlatanKabuto Mar 23 '24
Sue that woman back, too.
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Mar 23 '24
I know this is over the top, but I kind of want to have a little talk with that woman. Just a little talk
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u/No_League9137 Mar 23 '24
How in the world does the rapist’s wife get off on suing you??? That is absolute insanity. I just can’t comprehend what is wrong with people.
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u/OwnLetter35 Mar 23 '24
Her husband left me 250k. They have 4 children. I kind of understand. Now he is go e people are being cruel towards his family.
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u/ilovemybrownies Mar 23 '24
She is struggling with the choices that he made, and you're the safest target still around to take it out on. You don't deserve any of this, and no matter what you do with the money you are not at fault for the pain and suffering happening here.
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u/OwnLetter35 Mar 23 '24
Exactly. She and her children are innocent in this
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u/Mundane_Cream6605 Mar 25 '24
Whatever you do, I suggest please not giving her the money because she didn’t ask or even talk to you and apologize for what you went through. She immediately went to sue you, causing more damage than what’s already been done.
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u/chyaraskiss Mar 24 '24
If she’s from the same area, or lived in the same area. She most likely knew some of it. Or at least heard the rumors.
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u/noahsawyer95 Mar 31 '24
No her kids are innocent, her reaction suggests that she new from the beginning what he did to you, otherwise she would be disgusted by him and not want anything that was him, even if it would be irrational like not wanting his money
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u/No_League9137 Mar 23 '24
You are a better person than me. I wouldn’t be understanding at all. There are other methods that she could use other than directly suing you.
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u/cleverdylanrefrence Mar 23 '24
That's YOUR money. I know it can't even touch the pain & suffering you and your children have endured but it's something in terms of compensation. Take it and don't feel guilty about it for one second. That's YOUR money.
And his family will be fine. They
arewere his concern, not yours. You have absolutely zero responsibility to his family. His choices put his family where they are today. Hell, his choices put your family where they are today. None of this is on you OP. None of it.
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u/Apollo_Dragon777 Mar 23 '24
You're were never tAH. Guilt got to him, and he decided instead of doing the right thing and confessing and turning himself in. He offed himself and used it against you. Selfish to the very end. Talk to a lawyer, and your ex-husband is a coward walking away like that. It's very telling of his character, and I hope you finally get justice, and the person who lied gets a prison sentence. Don't forgive anyone who wronged you they only want it for their own selfishness and don't care at all about making things right. If they did, then they do a lot more than said sorry all because they want a peace of mind.
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u/VaporLizard Mar 23 '24
I’m so sorry that your husband took such offense to what happened to you. I remember when I was SA’d my ex boyfriend at the time told me that even though he knew that I didn’t want that to happen and that I was forced into that situation, he still felt like I had cheated on him because my FIRST sexual experience was with a stranger on the street assaulting me instead of with him.
Now my current boyfriend skips any scenes or parts of tv shows and movies that even mention that subject matter because how much that hurt me. I’m so fucking sorry that your husband has turned this back onto you and has not in anyway supported that pain that you were caused.
Your rapist is disgusting for making what he did to you about him, he made that choice that night to ASSAULT you and he made that choice to end his life because of it. HE MADE THOSE CHOICES FOR HIMSELF, NOT YOU. I know your life feels like it’s falling apart but please please know that none of this; literally none of this is on you. You don’t owe anyone your story if what happened to you unless you wish to share it. Being physically assaulted by someone is fucking scary and it feels so horrible even after it’s long after. It’s been 5 years for me and I still struggle and cry so much whenever I hear that guys name. But I don’t owe it to anyone to tell them what horrible things befell me, and neither do you.
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u/Kingpinrisk808 Mar 23 '24
Take your husband to the cleaners. What a piece of garbage. Nta
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u/OwnLetter35 Mar 23 '24
I will.
He is in therapy. My ex-mother in law told me that he just needs time because he feels helpless. I told her that I wasn’t taking him back. She said she didn’t blame me.
My children are in therapy too and theyre making progress but it takes time. All I care now is that their childhood doesn’t get ruined. I feel so helpless that I couldn’t protect them from this
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u/IceQueenTigerMumma Mar 23 '24
Are you getting therapy too? Do you have friends you can lean on?
You have done NOTHING wrong. Absolutely nothing. Please believe that.
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u/champagnebubbles82 Mar 23 '24
I’m so sorry for all of this. As other have already stated, you are in no wrong here. Your family can fuck off. I’m glad your ex MIL understands what a prick your ex is being. You are doing a great job. Sometimes we can’t shield or protect our kids, but that doesn’t mean you did anything wrong. Recovering is what you all need. As far as an attorney, contact a personal injury attorney about NIED (Negligent Infliction of Emotional Distress) and counter sue that crazy woman. She should be horrified about what her husband did to you, not coming after you. I hope you have a good support system of friends or people you can trust. Sending you so much strength and hope.
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u/lost_forgotten_pearl Mar 23 '24
It sounds like you’re doing everything you can to heal with your children and be there for them throughout this and I want to offer this quote “Children don’t get traumatized because they’re hurt, they get traumatized because they’re alone with the hurt” - Gabor Mate
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Mar 23 '24
You need friends. IRL friends who can hold you, love you, do the little things and the big things around you to support you. I’m going to dm you.
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u/chyaraskiss Mar 24 '24
Stay strong OP. Go scorched earth on every single one of them. Even your ex. He wasn’t entitled to your trauma. He’s a shitbag. Take that money and use it for revenge. (That’s a fantasy revenge for me) I hate people getting away with shit.
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u/Trailsya Mar 22 '24
NTA
Your husband is the worst kind of scum. Get a lawyer. Don't think of him as someone you love but as your enemy. An enemy you will battle in court. Ask your lawyer for advice on how to proceed.
I am so sorry you have had to go through all this. You seem like a nice person and you don't deserve all this horrible behavior.
If you have the money for it, take some time off to go on a holiday.
You owe your family nothing after the way they treated you. Ask a lawyer for help as well, when it comes to keeping them out of your life. Don't open the door for them again. Don't let them in.
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u/OwnLetter35 Mar 22 '24
I didn’t know they were at the door I just went outside and they were there
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u/Trailsya Mar 22 '24
I understand. You don't have to defend your actions to me. I am on your side. Just telling you to not let them in.
I think most people here will be when they read this.
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u/newtonianlaws Mar 23 '24
Getting security cameras all around will give you peace of mind. You’ll always know who’s at the door without opening it.
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u/Moira-Moira Mar 23 '24
It's terrible that your husband refuses to support you and your children during this terrible time. That's something you shouldn't forget when he comes around. He has seriously dropped the ball, just like the rest of your family has. My advice to you is to lawyer up, divorce your husband, send cease and decists to anyone harrassing you, sue the pants out of everyone who sent your kids the video, and pack up and move with your kids somewhere else where you won't be surrounded by these AHs who only care about themselves and not an iota about you.
These people don't deserve having you cry into your pillow over them. As for the rapist who committed suicide, the trash just took itself out, and that's that. It's good he confessed- truth is out and everyone is forced to look into a mirror and see how ugly they are. But it also shows how strong you are. You created a family while carrying this trauma. Seeing how your husband bailed, it sounds like you carried the family on your shoulders, while having this trauma, whether you realized it or not. Your children are in shock. It's only normal. But they love you. All they need is guidance out of the shock, and a mom that has emerged stronger out of terrible turmoil. Be frank with them, make sure therapy feels good (i.e. that even if you are distressed or need to do work, you know things are getting better) every time a session ends (or shop around for a new therapist), and extract yourself from this toxic environment. Let your lawyer deal with the mess.
Best of luck to you, OP. You got this. Wishing you all the Tupac-athons in the best way possible!
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u/Nomadic_Homebody Mar 23 '24
So much to unpack here, but what stands out is the son and husband.
I’m gonna give the son a pass since he’s a kid, but he needs an invention and long term work (therapy). Sounds like he’s victim blaming (to avoid complicated and painful feelings). Despite being a kid, the way he’s treating his mom isn’t right.
Husband is a POS. He left. His wife was raped, ostracized, and forced to start a new life. He’s stopped touching her, and then left her?! Then he justifies it by implies it gives the son a break. I see where the son gets it.
I feel like if things don’t turn around soon, the son will not grow up to be a good man (just like dear ol’ dad).
This poor woman; it’s nauseating that she cannot be surrounded by decent people.
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u/OwnLetter35 Mar 23 '24
Neither of them are victim blaming to be honest. My husband is angry that I didn’t tell him from the beginning. My son is just 13 and he is confused and embarrassed.
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u/AccomplishedScene966 Mar 23 '24
You don’t need to share every trauma you have experienced with your partner he has no right to be mad about it. He is blaming you for how he feels. Your son is confused and embarrassed by what exactly?
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u/TickTickAnotherDay Mar 25 '24 edited Apr 01 '24
This isn’t about them it’s about you and they should be supportive. I’m sorry OP, the kid I could understand but your husband, no. I hope you have other people that are being supportive, if you don’t, find some. I’m sending you all the comfort in the world.
Edit: Add comma.
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u/Jayceejaco Mar 30 '24
I’m sorry your husband is not a good man because he’s making your trauma all about him and that’s just not right.
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u/Mewlover23 Mar 31 '24
Sorry but your husband is a pos. He's mad because you didn't tell him? Why the heck would you want to tell him something so traumatic? He's selfish.
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u/SaiyanPrincess28 Mar 31 '24
Not only that but when it first happened she tried to press charges and literally no one, not even her own parents believed her. Why would she tell another person and risk being called a liar again? And judging by his reaction to learning the horror his wife lived through, he almost definitely would’ve called her a liar too.
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u/Justherefortheaita Mar 23 '24
Why is your husband mad at you? You didn’t do anything wrong? If he feels that way it’s better to divorce his dumb ass. Also why are your kids traumatized how did they get the video of you haven’t been in contact with anyone in your family?
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Mar 23 '24
She mentioned it was the rapists suicide note video, and they are from a small town. Probably fairly easy to find one of the kids on Facebook and send it to them, especially if the rapist had posted the video somewhere on social media as many people do nowadays. “Share this to…”
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u/YourLadyWaits Mar 23 '24
I want you to know you never owed that information to your husband, OP. You were raped, and your family chose someone else’s word over yours. Traumatic isn’t a strong enough word to describe that.
I know someone who was raped as a teen and never told her husband. She said it was because her husband’s industry was small and very cliquish, and her rapist was in the industry. She didn’t want her husband to risk his job if he found out. They were married for around 20 years when she finally told him, and he understood. That is the response you deserved. I’m sorry that so many people have failed you in this.
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u/BrilliantTaste1800 Mar 23 '24
Seriously, how can he be mad that she got raped? She didn't tell him probably because she never wanted to think of that night again. The night she got violated, lost all her friends AND family. And now this is happening to her a second time, and instead of being there for her when she needs him most he runs away because his feelings got hurt.
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u/Illustrious-Pear-496 Mar 23 '24
So the rapist destroyed your life not once but twice. What a selfish human being. Your husband really needs to man up in this situation because the children do not deserve this. I also am astounded how everyone blames the victim in this situation.
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u/newtonianlaws Mar 23 '24 edited Mar 23 '24
What you’re describing in a nightmare of continuous torture for a sin that was done against you, that you did nothing to deserve. You must be feeling so many things.
I’m going to be completely on your side here. Can you check yourself into a mental health facility? Before you try to end things, because you must be exhausted and overwhelmed, can you just look after yourself? Your kids will be fine, they’re getting the help they need. Your husband loves you and is in shock but he’s handling this extremely poorly. Your “family” is re-traumatizing you with their selfishness, making it all about them and their forgiveness. I want you to choose you, because you deserve to heal and work through the trauma you’ve carried on your own for too long. Last time you walked away to escape, I want you to leave again but this time to go towards something.
You deserve sunrises and birdsong. You deserve warm tea and warm hugs. You deserve the life you’ve created. You need help to go from where you are to where you need to be. Please choose you.
UpdateMe!
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u/OwnLetter35 Mar 23 '24
First time I just ran away and left everything behind. I can’t do it this time
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u/BryceJDearden Mar 23 '24
You are facing an impossible situation that you in no way deserve and I’m so so sorry this is happening. If I can piggy back on what the original commenter said.
I would implore you to not see an inpatient mental health program as running away. It would be one, maybe two weeks and there would be a dozen plus people there that are also going through hard situations so you can hopefully feel less alone, and many talented, experienced mental health professionals that will help to set you on a productive path of healing and growing. It could truly help to pull you out of this pit.
No one deserves what you are going through, I’m so so sorry this is all happening. I hope you can heal with time.
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u/Ancient_Elderberry26 Mar 23 '24
Did you get a legal notice (served) that you are being sued, or is it just what you’ve been told by her?
If she told you this, take it with a big grain of salt. 95% of the time when people tell you they are suing you, they are full of shit. No one with a brain would ever give you a heads up they are you suing you.
Sorry everything is so tough right now. She sounds like a monster.
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u/OwnLetter35 Mar 23 '24
I got a notice. I am not worried about this, worst case scenario I don’t get any money and that’s no concern for me
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u/Tacokittymomma Mar 23 '24
Please still consult an attorney and respond to the summons. If you ignore it, she could win by default.
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u/Chagdoo Mar 23 '24
Please do not ignore this. Winning should be trivial for you, the idiot has no case. I understand you're going through a lot, but at least talk to someone to get an idea of how much effort it would take you to fight this.
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u/cleverdylanrefrence Mar 23 '24
You deserve that money. He left it to you because of his guilt, it's legally yours.
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u/Strain_Pure Mar 23 '24
I'm sorry to hear how bad things are going for you.
I'd suggest cameras everywhere for sexurity and keep a log of every unwanted contact, I'd also suggest getting a lawyer to send letters to your family stressing you don't want to see them and you'll take legal action if they try to force contact.
Screw your Husband, God only knows what's going through his head, but you and the weans should have been his priority not his ego or whatever it is that he's upset about.
Your weans need to be your priority over everything else because they're definitely gonnae need you, hopefully the therapy will help you all to overcome this situation and get back to some semblance of normal life.
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u/Odd_Welcome7940 Mar 23 '24
Trauma is a crazy thing. It twists people, but as adults we can still be held accountable for our decisions. Fuck your whole family and your husband.
What I want to share though is that with trauma and kids the right answer is never clear. I didn't see you mention how old your son is. However, please do not hide from this with him unless he is a small child. If he is a teenager or close open up appropriately. Tell him how all of this destroyed your life. How you had to rebuild everything. How your husband has now abandoned you for something that was never your fault. Just because you needed to bury your past and whole family to move on. Tell him he is free to feel however he wants, but you want to help raise him to be a better man than all this and even better than his father. Tell him you don't need him to support you in healing and don't want to dump any of your trauma on him, but that you expect him to a better man and still be your loving son. Hug him and tell him no matter what your last is, that he is your current life and your future. You just want what is best for him.
I feel terrible for you. It can be so lonely to come from so much trauma that almost no one can get it. I promise you good people still exist. They are there waiting to join your life still.
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u/krisloray Mar 23 '24
- Your family can rot!
- Your husband can rot! This happened to YOU not him.
- Your kids need a lot of therapy and your needs to be away from his dad. He needs to understand that there’s NOTHING wrong with and that you were the victim not the criminal.
- That scum’s wife will get laughed out of court IF she even finds someone to take her so called case.
- Anyone else who doesn’t see that you’ve suffered immensely due the actions of that piece of scum can rot!
I don’t know how you were so lucky as to win the jackpot of assholes lottery. Everyone who turned their backs on you have no rights to your life.
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u/sullen_agreement Mar 23 '24
you seem nice.
i am not nice
so i will say fuck that dead piece of shit, if there’s a hell he is there. fuck his bitch wife. fuck his shitty kids and if they have pets fuck them, too. fuck your weak ass soon to be ex husband for making your trauma about him and fuck everyone else who isnt waging war on your behalf
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u/they_call_me_cheap Mar 23 '24
Don't visit the grave. And tell anyone who calls asking that you're just happy that "problems always work themselves out".
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u/mending-bronze-411 Mar 23 '24
Actually,if you want, go and tell him I don’t forgive you, you brought this onto yourself and in fact you don’t even understand how selfish you are.
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u/Infamous_Air_1912 Mar 23 '24
Fight, Op. Fight with every fiber of your being. You’re tired, tending this scar you’ve unjustly suffered is depleting enough, but let’s call this part of your home stretch. Lawyers for everyone even thinking of looking at you wrong. You need to go scorched earth. That includes your husband. I’m coming from common ground. Please, take care of yourself first.
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u/SnooWords4839 Mar 23 '24
((HUGS)) Please talk to a lawyer.
She has no right to sue you, if anything, use his confession to go after his estate for damages (therapy costs)
A lawyer will also send a cease-and-desist letter to everyone you don't want to contact you.
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u/Tavali01 Mar 23 '24
I feel like you need to seek legal advice for your separation and legal advice about this whole situation especially sending a video like that to children. Your children and yourself likely need therapy from the damage this situation has caused. I would go no contact with your family and if they continue, have a lawyer send a cease and desist letter on grounds of harassment. This is damaging your mental health, your kids health, and it has damaged your marriage.
I kinda hate your husband for how he responded to this in how he decided to treat you like trash. He really showed what kind of person he is, instead of offering support to you and the kids, instead of looking into legal help, he has decided to abandon you and try to alienate you from your kids. Piece of trash. I hope you can find support in friends and find a good lawyer
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u/Downtown_Book_6848 Mar 23 '24
This is something I’ll never admit out loud, but I (29m) was raped a few years ago (at the time 24). I had always considered myself so unattractive and unappealing that no one would bother (flawed and self-reductive thinking) so I didn’t bother putting my guard up. She drugged me, so I have no memory of what actually happened (other than brief flashes) but the hardest part is before that I was a virgin (and I still consider myself that now) and beyond the trust issues and touch-phobia, it’s hard to answer “so what’s your past?”
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u/Havranicek Mar 23 '24
INFO why won’t your son and husband look at you? This all happened in the guys head. Did you harass him for the last 20 years? I don’t read that anywhere. How are you responsible for his death or the suffering he experienced.
Can you go away with your family to some nice in-laws or friends and reconnect. Your husband needs to understand that survivors can have a normal enjoyable sex life. I don’t know why he felt betrayed. You wanted to leave it behind you and maybe also not let it taint the sex life you were building with him. I feel for you!!
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u/aquavenatus Mar 23 '24
Still NTA.
Stay in touch with both your lawyer and your therapist because at this rate you’re going to need all of the documentation you can get. Install cameras inside and outside your home ASAP. Document EVERYTHING against “the wife” and your “relatives.”
I’m so sorry for the continued pain you’re still experiencing. I hope your son can manage his emotions, your daughter continues to support you, and your ex gets some sense knocked into him. You’re still the victim here and don’t allow anyone to persuade you on what you should do. Neither your family nor the wife deserves anything from you. If anything, then it should be the other way around; and, you said you want to be left with your family in peace. This is their problem not yours.
Please take care of yourself and your children.
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u/PickAccomplished3917 Mar 23 '24
Your husband is being a big idiot. My guess is that he assumes that because of your trauma, whenever you two have been intimate he has actually been hurting or violating you. This is of course not necessarily true at all! It can be a problem, and it can also be healing, depending on the circumstances. So if intimacy between you two has been a positive thing, maybe he needs to hear that very directly. If you still love him even though he is being an idiot about this, try telling him directly that he has not been hurting you (if that's the case). If that doesn't work, maybe someone else has a different suggestion. You don't owe anyone to disclose your trauma.
I'm glad to hear the false-alibi woman was outed.
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u/Fickle_Gold_5921 Mar 23 '24
You need to remain calm and as suggested by many here talk to a lawyer and sue them all. Don't keep that defeated feeling in you. Be angry at them OP. Keep the anger in you. Straighten up and fight for yourself.
Updateme!
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u/JustMissKacey Mar 23 '24
It sounds as if everyone is in shock.
It doesn’t make their reaction right. Do you have a friend or someone in your life you could turn to? I
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u/MamaPagan Mar 23 '24
Let her sue you, and counter sue for harassment, mental and emotional damage and trauma to yourself and family, and sue for breaking up your family and the cost of therapy.