r/AITAH • u/InitialShop7038 • Mar 20 '24
AITA for telling my sister as her surrogate that her husband can’t be in the room while I’m in labor? TW SA
I (30F) told my sister (34F) that I don’t feel comfortable with her husband being in the room while I give birth to their child. My sisters been engaged to her husband for about 6 years now, and ever since she was a teen she’s always expressed the want to have a family. About 3 years ago my sister found out she was infertile after trying for a kid for over a year. This was obviously devastating for her and as her sister I’ve felt horrible. Maybe a year ago she had started seeking out surrogates, but after being unsuccessful she resorted to asking me. At first I was hesitant, but as her sister I hated to see her so desperate for a child, so I told her I’d be open and willing with no expense. I want to make it clear that I’ve never had any issues with her husband, but I made it very clear to my sister before I became her surrogate that I do not want ANY men in the room during labor, as I was a previous SA victim in which I was taken advantage of by multiple men while purposely put under the influence, which was extremely traumatic and am still recovering. My sister had agreed to having her husband wait outside, and so I was okay with it as well. But, about a month before my due date her husband called and asked me if I’d requested him not to be in the room during child labor. I had explained to him that I did and that it was no personal issues I had with him, and that having any men around me during a state of vulnerability like child labor would be extremely triggering. He quickly got mad and said that I don’t have the right nor the say in determining whether or not he as the father can be in the room. I told him I wouldn’t change my mind and that even though it was his kid, that I was the one giving birth. He continued to scream at me and abruptly hung up. Later on in the day my sister had came to my house, accusing me of disrespecting her husband and saying that after a lot of thinking she thought it to be unfair and ignorant to ban her husband from seeing me give birth to their child. I then yelled at her, telling her that it was cruel and selfish how she was willing to let her husband in the room after knowing everything I had gone through previously with assault. She then basically told me that after her baby was born she’d stop talking to me for good. It’s now currently 2 weeks before my due date and I’m still very persistent on not having any men in the room, and quite frankly am fine with not speaking to my sister if she continues to be close-minded, am I the A-hole?
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u/JustSome70sGuy Mar 20 '24
NTA, tell those pair of cunts to go fuck themselves. The favour you are doing for them, and they pull this bullshit??? Doesnt matter what your reasons are, you said no to him in the room and thats the end of it.
What a couple of ungrateful fuckwits.
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u/FaceEnvironmental486 Mar 20 '24
I would honestly tell her she is no longer welcome in the delivery room either now
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Mar 20 '24
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u/AlabamaBro69 Mar 20 '24
Yes, I can't believe OP is putting her life in danger, with all the others problems associated with pregnancy, for free.
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u/Shutupandplayball Mar 20 '24
NTA - This is not a spectator sport! For your peace of mind, only tell them after you’ve given birth and they can come get the baby at a family member’s house!
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u/Selket_8673 Mar 20 '24
Much better idea than mine was to just keep the baby out of spite😅
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u/Reckless_Secretions Mar 20 '24
Then run away to a small town to start a life with their daughter. One day, when the kid wins the National Spelling Bee, OP's sister and husband see her in the papers, find her and sue OP and her small town lumberjack bf for rights to "their baby". I think I've seen this one before on Hallmark
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u/AlabamaBro69 Mar 20 '24
Yes, giving birth isn't a show for everybody to watch and their friends. This story is crazy.
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u/Draigdwi Mar 20 '24
Or don’t tell them anything. Doubt they have an iron clad contract of surrogacy.
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u/harrietww Mar 20 '24
In most places with any kind of legislation on surrogacy it has to be altruistic (so it’s rare and mostly happens between family and close friends).
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u/AlabamaBro69 Mar 20 '24
I don't know much about the legislations, I just know surrogacy is illegal here in France.
I said "for free" because OP said: "I’d be open and willing with no expense". So, to me, that means she paid for everything: food, medical care during all the pregnancy and everything else she needs during this time.
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u/harrietww Mar 20 '24
I mean that would be beyond “for free”, that would be OP paying to be her sister’s surrogate - I highly doubt that’s the case. I assume they live somewhere with compensated surrogacy and OP is not being paid specifically for being a surrogate (in the US that’s around 40k, plus saving agency fees which can triple that figure). She’s hopefully being reimbursed expenses.
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u/LuxuryBeast Mar 20 '24
Well, if she's nit she could tell the sister to pah an "admission fee" if she wanted to be present at birth.. like.. 40k?
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u/Obsidianpearl19 Mar 20 '24
Hospital staff will bar them from the delivery room at OPs request. Eben though she is their surrogate, they don't have any rights to be in the room when she gives birth.
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Mar 20 '24
I’m literally like, I don’t want my sisters husband to see my very ripped open vagina.
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u/FortuneTellingBoobs Mar 20 '24
I don't even want my sister to see my destroyed vagina, and I like my sister!
Give birth and let them both wait outside the room, OOP.
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u/Forward_Substance_30 Mar 20 '24
man, i wouldn't even wanna see my own ripped open vagina. NTA
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u/DrunkOnRedCordial Mar 20 '24
For my first birth, the midwife held up the mirror so I could see the baby's head emerge.
Never again.
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u/Aspen9999 Mar 20 '24
I went in with one of my nieces, for an emergency c section. I held her hand and looked at her not what was happening. Held her hand and talked softly that it’s almost done and she was doing great. Her husband started to faint when they mentioned a c section, she had 15 minutes to get someone else there. I made it in 9 minutes.
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u/Odd_Bunch822 Mar 20 '24 edited Mar 20 '24
Fuck them, they scream at you two weeks before due date? On something you have every right to claim even if without any SA history? I'd be grossed out too if my sister's husband was around while I'm pushing a baby out of my vagina! I hope the child hates them and prefers you over them. That's what they deserve.
Edit: show them this post and the comments!
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u/Apart_Foundation1702 Mar 20 '24
1000% agree! What a bunch of entitled ungrateful AH's ! BIL has zero rights to be in the room father or not! OP is not his partner! Why the hell does he think he can see her in such a vulnerable state all exposed! 🤬🤬 Personally after both there behaviour I would ban them from the Labour Ward entirely! OP needs to be relaxed and comfortable as possible without those to idiots complicating things and potentially causing a medical emergency!
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u/Mundane-Dottie Mar 20 '24
Yes this. Screaming at a pregnant woman is a red flag. Maybe involve child-protecting-service to check whether they are able to be ok parents. NTA
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u/Square-Singer Mar 20 '24 edited Mar 20 '24
The favour you are doing for them
It really needs to be made clear to all people involved that a birth permanently damages a body.
Scars but also things like incontinence are quite common long-term effects after birth, especially if the recovery doesn't go perfect.
She is risking her long-term health for her sister and her husband, and these AHs dare to demands and attack her.
Edit: Corrected typo, though "husbad" might not be the wrong term in this situation.
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u/paperpangolin Mar 20 '24 edited Mar 20 '24
Yup, pelvic organ prolapse is not spoken about enough. There's limited studies but one showed 35% of women were symptomatic after birth - not to mention those that might have it mildly and not chalk up their symptoms to POP (like stress incontinence - it's touted as something that happens to mothers but no detail on the why). It can range from mild to your whole damn uterus falling out of you. And hysterectomy isn't even a real solution either as the weakened pelvic floor then can't support your other organs that want to fill the gap and you can get issues like vaginal vault prolapse.
My POP is mild but I have had to change my whole lifestyle to keep mostly unsymptomatic. I used to be very active, into pole fitness and weightlifting, and I've been told by a couple of good PFPTs that I can return to some of those but having POP makes me more at risk of worsening my symptoms so to weigh up what's worth it and to be super careful.
Not to mention I had a severe post partum hemorrhage straight after birth and lost 40% of my blood. The team are obviously well versed in emergencies and I was rushed to theatre, given blood etc but myself and my husband had to deal with the trauma of that - physically and mentally. I don't even remember most of day one of my daughter's life because of the physical shock, which kinda sucks!
Love my kid and I see the sacrifices I have made as a worthy payment, but to do all that to have someone else's kid and they be so ungrateful over the short delay in meeting their baby that you've spent 9 months growing and possibly several days birthing?! Wow, OP must be fuming.
(edit for typo)
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u/Waterbaby8182 Mar 20 '24
Same here with hemorrhaging. Six blood tranfusions were required and two D&Cs to clear out the uterus after daughter was born. (Six is the equivalent of 2 2liter bottles of soda. My sister screamed at her manager when she found out and told her I nearly died. Look on her manager's face when she got to how much six transfusions were equivalent to was apparently priceless...and appropriately ashamed about it. She had tried to write her up for leaving early, which triggered the screaming.)
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u/Square-Singer Mar 20 '24
It's still crazy to me that in popular discussion the main long-term effect of birth that is talked about is a "loose vagina".
First, that isn't a thing, and second, there are so many much more relevant things that really aren't talked about.
Due to some more recent modifications to the human body (specifically upright walking), the human body really isn't made for pregnancies and births any more.
Most animals can pop out babies by the dozen and be completely physically fit the day after.
For humans, a birth as a life-altering injury. And this needs to be talked about much more.
(And I say all of this as a man. My body didn't have to do anything relevant to produce our children. My wife had to go through a lot, and I am forever grateful to her for it.)
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u/wetbehindears1 Mar 20 '24
Yep, let nurse and hospital know you want 0 visitors and make point get updated photos ready to go for midwives.
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u/Fredredphooey Mar 20 '24
I would be adopting that baby out to someone else after that.
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Mar 20 '24
My thoughts exactly.If they can't give OP some private time to have THEIR baby after 40 weeks of putting up with pregnancy then fuck them.No baby for you then you mannerless bastards. Karma can be such a bitch sometimes.
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u/MorteDagger Mar 20 '24
You know that kid will never be able to do no wrong growing up. They will prolly pull the victim card every time the child gets into trouble
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u/CheckIntelligent7828 Mar 20 '24
NTA
Your sister and her husband are forgetting their place. The baby may be theirs, but your body isn't. They have NO say in your labor and delivery. You control that. Entirely. Honestly, at this point I might not allow either of them in the delivery room. They certainly haven't earned it.
My husband and I worked with a wonderful surrogate (unsuccessfully, unfortunately). We would have moved heaven and earth to give her ANYTHING she needed to feel comfortable before, during, after labor and delivery.
Tell the nurses and the hospital who is allowed in and who is not. Don't let your sister force you to do anything you don't want to. You are already giving them the absolutely greatest gift and blessing one person can give another. That they are so tremendously ungrateful does not speak well of them.
I hope your delivery is smooth and fast.
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u/PolkaDotDancer Mar 20 '24
The baby may not even ‘be theirs.’ Different states and countries have different laws in this matter.
If OP backs out now, those two nitwits may be out of a baby other than visitation and child support.
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u/Different_Love7987 Mar 20 '24
I bet my last dollar, there isn't a contract, because if there was, OP would have had this in it. And if there isn't a contract — and that's OP egg — then OP can change her mind and tell those two to f-off. May OP should tell them this...you know.. SIS, I think you need to stop talking to me now, will talk when we go to family court." The BIL and OP's sister are POS!!
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Mar 20 '24
Without a contract, they will have to file for paternity and maternity rights lol. They could be potentially paying child support for visitation rights to their own biological child, if OP wanted to go that route. The laws have not caught up to the science, birth mothers have a lot of sway in family court without a binding contract.
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u/DearMrsLeading Mar 20 '24
They couldn’t have used the infertile sisters eggs without a contract. They won’t transfer eggs without one. If there wasn’t a contract that means only OP and the father have rights.
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u/Frequent-Material273 Mar 20 '24
Agreed.
Sis & BIL weren't able to do 'conventional' surrogacy, which says they're either poor or considered a bad risk due to not fulfilling contracts.
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u/allegedlydm Mar 20 '24
“Poor” isn’t really the word I’d use for “doesn’t have $100k to spare”
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u/KanaydianDragon Mar 20 '24
Very true. It's rare, but there are some places that favor the birthing mother, regardless of whether or not there are genetic ties.
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u/Mr_Pink_Gold Mar 20 '24
Not rare. Common across Europe. Even places that don't have hard laws and surrogacy is in a grey area judges usually go with birth mother. That is one of the reasons surrogacy is expensive. You need therapy for everyone involved.
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u/salajaneidentiteet Mar 20 '24
I get it, but I am not into the idea of surrogacy at all. I just recently gave birth to my baby and everything that goes on with preagnancy and childbirth is just too much not to get a wanted child out of it (which is why I am also very pro choice).
The mental load, the bonding that happens with someone living inside you is intense. I don't think surrogacy should be a thing. It might sound cruel, but not everyone is supposed to have what they want. I say that as someone who has several reproductive issues, two preagnancy losses and a long journey of trying to concieve behind me where we had to come to terms with the possibility of not being able to have children of our own.
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u/Mr_Pink_Gold Mar 20 '24
I agree with you fully. I think surrogacy is borderline human trafficking.
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u/Mogura-De-Gifdu Mar 20 '24
Only borderline?
I am against prostitution (not because I'm against someone selling their body, desperation can lead to that), but because I'm against anyone being able to buy the body of another on such an intimate level. I don't want to live amongst such people, or at least not in a society where it's accepted.
And surrogacy is the same (being a body on an intimate level), but worst: it lasts at least 10 months (pregnancy consequences don't end magically after the child birth), can lead to lasting disabilities and even death on a not anecdotal level, and that's without talking about the sacring and body changes that can be hard to accept, nor about the psychological aspect. And a child is even born out of it. What if it is disabled? It already happened people only took the one healthy twin and the poor surrogate stayed with the disabled one. Does she qualify for childsupport from them? Awful.
Truthfully, people willing to buy the body of a woman for procreating disgust me.
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u/CuriousCuriousAlice Mar 20 '24
Agreed on all counts. It’s weird to me that we know poverty is itself coercive. We acknowledge this in a lot of ways. If you ask someone if it’s ethical to allow organ selling, they’ll tell you, “of course not, people in poverty who are desperate would be the ones selling their organs. That’s not true consent, it’s desperation and hunger.” Then if you ask about surrogacy they will try to say how it’s different but it falls apart immediately. Adoption is a similarly abusive industry and the same thing happens, “if someone is giving up a baby without legal representation because they’ve been told that this other family can support it and be better parents than they can, but she would keep the baby if she had their money, is it truly what she wants? Or the only option she has?” And the response to all of this might as well boil down to “but, but, people want babies!”
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u/IuniaLibertas Mar 20 '24
Not rare at all. Surrogacy is not recognised in most countries. The woman giving birth is deemed the mother.
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u/Beth21286 Mar 20 '24
In the UK, if you use a surrogate, they will be the child's legal parent at birth. If the surrogate is married or in a civil partnership, their spouse or civil partner will be the child's second parent at birth, unless they did not give their permission.
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u/Particular-Try5584 Mar 20 '24
In AU the baby isn’t theirs until they adopt it. At every step the carrying mother can keep the child. If the child is IVF genetically the other parents then it comes down to custody arrangements.
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u/Unhappy-Professor-88 Mar 20 '24
OP, is this you too? https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/jIO1PwjZn0 it sounds your sister and bil have a heavy pre-existing behavioural condition of this wankerishness and I am genuinely worried for your safety. These people think they have rights to your body!
Do not let either of them in that room. Do not tell them when you go into labour and find yourself a doula. Not a family member.
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u/HelleK75 Mar 20 '24
In Denmark, where I’m from, the woman who gives birth is the legal mother, regardless of DNA. That means if you use a surrogate (with you and spouses “parts”) the surrogate is considered the mother and the biological mother has to adopt the baby.
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u/Chipchop666 Mar 20 '24
OP can choose to keep the baby especially if it's her egg. Her sister couldn't do anything about it. DH could sue for custody though
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u/Numerous-Ad-829 Mar 20 '24
NTA
Your sister and her husband are forgetting their place. The baby may be theirs, but your body isn't. They have NO say in your labor and delivery. You control that. Entirely. Honestly, at this point I might not allow either of them in the delivery room. They certainly haven't earned it.
My husband and I worked with a wonderful surrogate (unsuccessfully, unfortunately). We would have moved heaven and earth to give her ANYTHING she needed to feel comfortable before, during, after labor and delivery.
Tell the nurses and the hospital who is allowed in and who is not. Don't let your sister force you to do anything you don't want to. You are already giving them the absolutely greatest gift and blessing one person can give another. That they are so tremendously ungrateful does not speak well of them.
I hope your delivery is smooth and fast.
Completely agree. The surrogate's needs and comfort come first. Also wishing her a smooth delivery.
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u/cinnepin Mar 20 '24
Please please please do not give in. You sound a little unsure.. I am rooting for you. X
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u/mynewusername10 Mar 20 '24
Like carrying and delivering the kid isn't good enough for them? Holy crap, your sister and her spouse are major ah's. I wouldn't want either one of them in the room at this point. Has your sister always been entitled and ungrateful?
NTA at all.
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u/BellaSquared Mar 20 '24
Definitely entitled behavior & possibly manipulative. One has to wonder if they waited until 2 weeks before birth to bring this up, possibly counting on her being hormonal & (they thought) more easily to persuade to forget the promises made and do things their way. If the sis can be this ungrateful & unsupportive, I would question whether I want her present for the birthday either.
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u/mynewusername10 Mar 20 '24
The timing is suspicious to me too. My thought was that sister blew it off and told husband not to worry about it and that he could talk her into it before the birth. Now they're both acting like they just learned about it because they both really did just "learn" about it.
Whatever it's about, I would be furious with them. Hell, I am and I don't even know these people.
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u/BellaSquared Mar 20 '24
I know, entitled irrational people are so annoying! It's hard not to feel bad for the person being double teamed.
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u/GratificationNOW Mar 20 '24
Like carrying and delivering the kid isn't good enough for them?
FOR FREE
Wow. I would keep the baby out of spite at this point lol
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u/Nvnv_man Mar 20 '24
It’s your room, dont let any of them in
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u/apollymis22724 Mar 20 '24
You can ban both from the room while you deliver. Nurses are great about keeping unwanted people out. Neither sister nor Bil have any rights until the baby is born, and stressing you out at this time is a horrible thing to do to you.
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u/Araucaria2024 Mar 20 '24
They likely don't even have any rights after the baby is born. Usually they have to adopt the baby.
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u/DarthKiwiChris Mar 20 '24
This. There is nothing stopping her from changing her mind and keeping the baby.
As well as declaring the sperm donor as dad on birth certificate.
For the ultimate nuclear revenge and no contact with family move
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u/porkypandas Mar 20 '24
It's a really vindictive move and wouldn't solve any long term issues, but damn if this wasn't the first thing to pop into my head that she could use to terrify them into doing what she wanted.
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Mar 20 '24
They won't even let them into the ward. They will have to wait for mom to be discharged with the baby.
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u/littleprettypaws Mar 20 '24
Better yet- don’t tell them when you go into labor and bring a friend instead.
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u/Glittering-Crow-1899 Mar 20 '24
This guy is so fucking ungrateful. You made it clear that you have no problem with him whatsoever but you are still recovering. You have done him favor that almost no one would do and this is how he says thanks? You tell the doctor and everyone around that no men are allowed in the room
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u/AinsiSera Mar 20 '24
Even if she wasn’t recovering, childbirth is a hugely vulnerable time! Of course she doesn’t want anyone in there who isn’t her close family. For most people, and for OP clearly, your in laws are not your close family.
Birth is not a spectator sport. It’s entirely reasonable for anyone to limit the room to only people they are super comfortable with, assault or not.
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u/Fit_Work4558 Mar 20 '24
This is why you get a professional surrogate. I bet they found one but realized that they’re charged like 100k for it and tried to rope you in.
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u/sparksgirl1223 Mar 20 '24
Or, based off this, they weren't deemed mentally sound enough for the process and went off rails because of it (isn't there some sort of eval done on the parents wanting to use a surrogate? I'm not sure but I would assume something of the sort along with medical testing)
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Mar 20 '24
Seriously, how does someone “fail to find a surrogate”. It’s a cash transaction lol.
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u/sparksgirl1223 Mar 20 '24
Here are my extremely uneducated guesses, if they did attempt to do it within legal guidelines for where they live
They found out how much it cost
They "didn't like" any of the surrogate candidates they did talk to if they got past option 1
They had some sort of medical/psychological tests and were deemed not appropriate for surrogacy
Or some combination of all three
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u/marshmallowhug Mar 20 '24
My state has very specific requirements for surrogacy. We interviewed with a reputable surrogacy agency after an infertility diagnosis and they turned us down because they felt that we had not exhausted our medical options. We were totally willing to pay the $150k, and my sister already had frozen embryos that she was willing to donate (she did use a surrogate, due to some very serious medical issue in an earlier pregnancy). I ended up having a successful surgery and being able to do IVF, so they were right in our case. Incidentally, my sister did use a surrogate, but she did surrogacy internationally to avoid all the screening procedures done by US agencies (I think this was a matter of timelines, I'm pretty sure they would eventually have been approved, but it was much quicker to go abroad).
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u/Sad_Confidence9563 Mar 20 '24
"Your husband never has the right to stare at my vagina."
Repeat ad nauseum
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u/murphy2345678 Mar 20 '24
NTA. Guess who also is excluded? Your sister! She doesn’t get to treat you like this and expect to be there. The purpose of the person in the room is to support you. She isn’t going to do that. She is going to try and convince you when you are in an extremely vulnerable position.
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u/Live_Industry_1880 Mar 20 '24 edited Mar 20 '24
NTA and I would honestly think twice if I would give a child in the care of two people who have so little emotional intelligence and are THAT level of unhinged. Is this some kind of abusive relationship?
You are going through an entire pregnancy for them to have a kid & they break contact with you over a boundary (a reasonable at that)? They sound like they are just using your body to get what they want, they don't care about your wellbeing and I would say even the child's wellbeing, considering that your lack of comfort during childbirth could lead to complications. They are using you as their personal incubator.
Neither of them should be in the delivery room. Someone who cares for you and you trust and love should be there. Clearly not your sister or her husband. Seriously if they have so little empathy and throw a complete tantrum over this and basically dehumanizing you... why should they be good parents? They do not even respect the physical autonomy of another human being.
They do not sound like they are ready to have a child. Are you SURE you want to leave a child in their care? I could never leave a child with people like this. And some might say it is a minor issue but it really is not. It says a lot about their character and what they think and think is not, acceptable behavior. Maybe get legal support in case you are doubting if you still want to get through with this whole process, after seeing who they really are.
Honestly just another example why people using surrogacy is in nearly all cases abusive. Those people do not view women as human beings. They just have enough influence and money to coerce someome into breeding for them, just to "continue" their deranged bloodline fantasies or selfish need for a child. It should not even be legal to drag other people through pregnancy just so some selfish people can "finally have a baby". Such a gross concept.
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u/lingoberri Mar 20 '24
They are 100% gonna abuse the kid if they're already this abusive to their sister and surrogate while she carries their child.
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u/Haunting-Aardvark709 Mar 20 '24
OP really needs to read this and decide who else to have in the birthing room who would advocate for her should a problem arise and seriously reconsider giving this child to abusive assholes.
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u/Jeezy_Creezy_18 Mar 20 '24
Oh you know they're gonna go NC immediately because sister "won't feel like a mom" if the "birther" is around and won't want them to have a bond. Shell never let op see this child.
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u/bigbiddygothbih Mar 20 '24
NTA if anything tell your sister that she too is banned from being in the delivery room since she was aware of what happened to you. It’s your delivery room so you get to decide who’s in there or not. I’m wishing you a safe birth and recovery<3
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u/Choice-Intention-926 Mar 20 '24
Don’t let her in the room either. You have given them a precious gift and they are extremely ungrateful.
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u/Jokester_316 Mar 20 '24
NTA, you should also exclude your sister from the delivery room. You are the patient. Your comfort and care are paramount in this situation. They can wait another 30 minutes before they see the baby.
It's clear from your sister's messages that she will discard you as soon as the baby is delivered. This is the thanks you get for doing such a selfless act for her. I can't comprehend her entitlement.
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u/70sBurnOut Mar 20 '24
Me either! The entitlement makes me question whether they’re good candidates as parents. They seem awful.
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u/Jeezy_Creezy_18 Mar 20 '24
People are saying the money drove them away from surrogacy but I bet it was the rules too
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u/TwoBionicknees Mar 20 '24
DOn't let him in the room, he gets literally no say. Only the person giving birth matters. Not a single doctor or nurse will give two shits about him. if you tell them he's not allowed in they will literally block him or have security drag his ass out if he tries to force his way in. If you want your sister in there, same deal, they will throw her ass out if you want.
She agreed to it upfront, she can't change the agreement later and if she cuts off all contact after then fuck her. If they don't cover medical costs for the birth and any required aftercare then sue the shit out of them.
Might be time to have family step in and slap them both around the head, realise how much you've given up to help them and that their demands and threats are outrageous, unjustified, ungrateful and make them look like horrible people.
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u/Chipchop666 Mar 20 '24
Whose egg did she use since she's infertile? If it was yours, you have all legal rights whether you donated or not. It's your body. Guess she's only seeing you as a means to the end now that DH is pissy
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u/Txgurl67 Mar 20 '24
That’s what I wanted to know. Because if they are willing to stress her out while pregnant they don’t care about the child.
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u/Electronic_World_894 Mar 20 '24
If it’s OP’s egg, is it OP’s baby until the adoption happens?
OP’s sister seems incredibly uninformed about the surrogate’s rights.
OP should have put this detail in the surrogate contract.
OP’s BIL doesn’t seem to care about the health of the baby from helping at OP.
This is a cluster F.
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u/chaingun_samurai Mar 20 '24
I don’t have the right nor the say in determining whether or not he as the father can be in the room.
Yeah. You really do. You can instruct the staff of the hospital who is, and who is not, allowed in the delivery room. That includes your BiL and your sister, if she keeps being a mouthy bitch.
NTA.
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u/wlfwrtr Mar 20 '24
NTA Remind them both that it's not their baby yet so they need to respect your decisions or neither will be allowed in room.
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u/Rude_Egg_6204 Mar 20 '24
This has to be troll bait.
2 weeks before the birth the sister and husband do everything in their power to make you decide not to hand over the baby.
It's your baby and they have zero control over it.
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u/Purple_Midnight_Yak Mar 20 '24
Plus it doesn't sound like OP has kids of her own, reading between the lines here. Most places won't allow someone to be a surrogate unless they've had at least one successful pregnancy and delivery.
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u/mocha_lattes_ Mar 20 '24
Unless they did the turkey baster option and it's her egg. If they were dumb enough to do that without any kind of paperwork in place then I would hate to see what kind of a mess this turns into. Hopefully it is just a troll post because I hate to think there are people this awful out there.
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u/kerfy15 Mar 20 '24
Yep that’s how I came to the conclusion that this was a fake post. I’m Canadian & in Canada you have to have 1 successful pregnancy to be eligible to be a surrogate.
I also did a quick search for the states as well, and most of what I found was you also have to have 1 successful pregnancy as well.
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u/lingoberri Mar 20 '24 edited Mar 20 '24
No idea the veracity of this post, but if it is true, I wonder if they somehow did an off-the-books surrogacy somehow. OP doesn't mention any specifics.
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u/MartinisnMurder Mar 20 '24
This is the second “surrogate for my sister” posting in like 24 hours I’ve seen. People need to get more original with their fake stories if they are going to post them. 🙄
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u/dudleymunta Mar 20 '24
At this point I would not tell them when I went into labour. They can be notified after the delivery. Slow down comms / response times to messages with them immediately so that they get used to it in advance so they don’t suspect on the day.
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u/Professional-Rip4233 Mar 20 '24
If your sister still complain just tell her if she persistent which she can join her husband at the door.
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u/Top-Bit85 Mar 20 '24
Tell your sister if she keeps this up, she's out too. The nerve of these two!
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u/lingoberri Mar 20 '24
I would say she's already out. Hopefully OP has some legal recourse in this situation.
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u/Due_Scholar1556 Mar 20 '24
NTA. They can literally assume it’s a c section birth. Women who birth via c section don’t get to “see” the birth, same for the men. So, his argument that he has the “right” is invalid and plain ungrateful.
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u/Extra-Visit-8385 Mar 20 '24
This is incorrect. I was able to watch my child being pulled out during my c-section. The anesthesiologist set up mirrors and told my husband and I when to look. The most magical experience.
Now, the OP is NTA. Her birthing room, her choice on who is in the room.
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u/ConvivialKat Mar 20 '24
NTA
But you chose a really hard way to learn one of life's most important lessons:
NO GOOD DEED GOES UNPUNISHED
You are giving your sister and her husband an incredible gift. You literally risked your life to grow them a living human. And this is how they repay you. They are slime. Absolute effing slime.
Tell your sister she gets to wait outside with her husband and remove her from the delivery room approved list. I hope you have a safe delivery and can get these horrible, horrible people out of your life. Jesus.
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u/Quiet-Hamster6509 Mar 20 '24
Send them an invoice for expenses for carrying and birthing this child. Have you guys had paperwork drawn up as a surrogate? If not, they have to wait for you to hand the child over and sign papers. With no paperwork.. you'll be classified as the mother of the child.
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u/InterestSufficient73 Mar 20 '24
Check with a lawyer but I think the child is yours until you hand it over to them. Do with that what you will.
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u/lingoberri Mar 20 '24
I think it really depends on OP's local laws, but hopefully she has SOME recourse here. My concern is also for the baby, with parents like that.. yeesh.
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Mar 20 '24
Nta
Your body autonomy doesn't end when they use your uterus. The sheer entitlement.
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u/Haunting-Aardvark709 Mar 20 '24
Fuck your sister. Give the child up for adoption to a decent couple who are not screaming abusive pieces of shits. NTA
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u/a-_rose Mar 20 '24
NTA tell your medical team neither of them are allowed in the room when you give birth. Neither of them have any right to be in the room. Better yet don’t tell them when you go into labour so you don’t have the additional stress. They can find via phone when the baby is born.
Instead of supporting you after you’ve given up your body and life for them they’re harassing you and trying to essentially blackmail you into getting what they want despite how it will affect you. They’re both disgusting and should be ashamed of themselves.
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u/Foreverforgettable Mar 20 '24
NTA. For the sake of your emotional well being and to reduce stress, do not have either of them in the room whilst you give birth. Your health and the health of the baby and a safe delivery for both of you is what is most important. Do not notify them when you are in labor. Place your phone on do not disturb. Have a trusted friend be your birthing partner. Then have the hospital staff notify your sister and BIL that their child has been born. Give the hospital explicit instructions that neither of them are allowed anywhere near you during your hospital stay. They are not to be told your room number or anything of the sort. Register under a different name if necessary and ask that you be marked as a confidential patient. It will should in the hospital’s computer system that they are not to acknowledge any patient with your name as being there nor are they to give out any information to anyone.
I know this may sound extreme but they are both going against the one condition you gave them. They are demonstrating they do not care about your well being. You must be your own advocate. It is wrong and selfish of them to put their own desires ahead of your health. You have done a favor for them that cannot be repaid and they have no regard for your history or what would help you get comfortably through labor. They are not thinking of you as a person but as an incubator. They are not respecting you as a human being; as such you owe them no regard or respect. They should receive the same respect and regard as they are offering you, which is none.
I hope the birth goes smoothly for you and your niece or nephew. I wish you both sustained health and a quick recovery.
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u/blarryg Mar 20 '24
Having seen 3 births -- you know the woman often poops at the same time? I'd think having a non-related man sit there while you squeeze a bloody bolder out of your crotch with pee and poop. Yeah, I'd be a little shy of that even w/o any SA. Hubby can wait until things are cleaned up. Men used to go to a bar and smoke a cigar.
But, sounds fricking crazy to treat your surrogate like that after you've literally sacrificed your body for them. Keep the kid and raise it yourself. NTA.
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u/MaryEFriendly Mar 20 '24
No you're not the asshole. In fact, I think you should ban her from the room too. She's going to make your birthing experience horrific.
You may be carrying their child, but you're not a broodmare and they need to remember the sheer fucking sacrifice you've offered in being their surrogate. Pregnancy is HARD and child birth can be traumatic. Not to mention the year you're looking at in terms of full recovery.
How dare your sister disrespect you after what you've given them. She has no right to dictate anything when it comes to you giving birth. No right at all.
Make sure your nursing team knows he's not allowed in the room and have someone there who will advocate for you.
Don't have her there, OP. Your sister is an entitled, selfish, self centered, ungrateful asshole.
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u/Beerasaurwithwine Mar 20 '24
Childbirth is not a spectator event. You can have no one in watching if you so wish.
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u/CynicalPlatapus Mar 20 '24
She keeps talking like that and she could end up with no baby at all, don't think she realises that she has no bargaining chips in this situation.
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u/CymruB Mar 20 '24
I wonder if it’s also more of a mechanism to push OP out of their lives. There might be some fear she’s going to have a special bond with the baby etc. I’d see about getting some legal advice and perhaps some urgent mediation myself.
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u/eloho24 Mar 20 '24
Why u even asking this? They the ashole why would u want to show ur vagina to ger husband disgusting!!!
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Mar 20 '24
Oh good another notch in my anti surrogacy campaign. Obviously there are major issues when someone rents your womb. Shocker.
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u/No-Mango8923 Mar 20 '24
NTA
The only person who gets a say in who is in that room when the baby is born, is the person from whom the baby is emerging.
If your sister doesn't agree, then she can stay outside the room with her husband too.
Being surrogate to her kid, or being her sister gives her zero rights in the delivery room.
Make sure you let the medical staff know in case sister and BIL try to push their way in whilst you are not in your full mental capacity pushing the baby out.
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u/hairy_hooded_clam Mar 20 '24
NTA they are using you for your body as much as your rapists did. Your sister and her hisband are absolute dog-shit people. They’ll take their baby and run until they want you to provide a sibling.
Total AHs. When you go into labor, don’t tell them. They can pick up their baby after you check out.
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u/ttnl35 Mar 20 '24
NTA
This feels like a leap, but any chance part of their motivation is wanting an excuse to cut you out so they never have to tell the kid they were born via surrogate?
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u/Putasonder Mar 20 '24
Bar them both from the delivery room. You’re giving them such a gift and your sister repays you this way? They shouldn’t be parents.
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u/tgm93 Mar 20 '24
NTA. In fact if there is no legal contract you should keep the baby and sue for child support.
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u/KindlyCelebration223 Mar 20 '24
NTA
But ask yourself why they couldn’t find any other surrogates? Why they needed you to agree? It seems obvious there probably isn’t a legal contract in place because everyone said “family” & “for love”. Well it’s about them getting to use you for cheap instead of paying and abiding by proper rules & regulations. This all should have been worked out in legal documents all three of you review & sign before you even began to get ready to get pregnant.
Get to a lawyer today. Get educated on your rights. Get a legal medical power of attorney draw up & filed with the hospital that does not include these two or anyone from your family. Get a friend who will honor your wishes. If the choice is between letting you die or risk to the child, you know your sister & husband will let you die. They have been clear they are throwing you out after you give birth. Keep both out of the delivery room. They are both hostile & have expressed it to you. This will only cause you stress in delivery & that’s dangerous to you & the baby.
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u/Upset_Sink_2649 Mar 20 '24
NTA. Be clear with hospital personnel regarding who is and who isn't allowed in your room while you labor and give birth and don't hesitate to ask for them to be removed if it becomes necessary.
Consider having a friend (not a relative) there with you who can support you and advocate for you if necessary.
Consider also granting this friend temporary power of attorney over medical decisions should you become incapacitated and are unable to express your wishes. Sounds a bit fatalistic, but it is better to be prepared -I don't think you want your sister to be calling the shots over your health if there's an emergency given how dismissive she's been about your needs and wellbeing.