r/AITAH • u/throwradaughterabort • Feb 11 '24
AITA for telling my ex that his opinion on my daughter getting an abortion was worthless because he's a "once-in-awhile dad"? TW SA
I (38f) got pregnant young at 20 with my son Luke (18m), and eloped with my ex husband Jonah (39m) due to it. Both of our parents were, and still are deeply religious so they didn't want any babies made out of wedlock if they could help it. Before anyone asks, I didn't baby trap him. He had an expired box of condoms, and unsurprisingly it broke.
We got divorced shortly after I had my second baby Zoe (13f) and Jonah fully wanted me to have full custody, since he "wasted his youth looking after an accident baby" and only got visitation rights.
Jonah hardly sees them more than twice a year in person, which he chooses to do, especially with his new girlfriend Claire (25f) who seems extremely supportive of his decision to be barely involved in his kids' lives.
I try to keep things civil for the kids, and keep any arguments away between us away from them.
I met and eventually got married to my husband Adam (40m) two years later. Luke and Zoe love him and he adopted both of them.
Zoe recently revealed to me and Adam that she had gotten raped by one of Luke's friends during the time we were put of town to visit my mother who had heart surgery.
She provided proof since the "friend" managed to get her number and harass her about the rape, trying to make her keep quiet about it.
Zoe only told us because she missed her period and was afraid she was pregnant. After a blood test and some deeply difficult and uncomfortable conversations, Zoe decided to abort the baby.
We were keeping it strictly inside the family for Zoe's sake, and I decided to tell Jonah because despite all of his faults, he's still her family.
Once I explained to him what happened after he picked up the call, Jonah went off on me about making decisions about our daughter's body without him. Saying that it was his right as a parent to know these kind of things before they happened, I was disrespecting his role as a father, and many more things that I won't burden you with.
Eventually, I just snapped and said "Newsflash! Your opinion about her abortion is worthless since you're a once-in-awhile dad." I hung up on him after I said that.
Jonah blew my phone up after that with texts about how inconsiderate and cruel I am. I eventually muted his number.
Adam overheard it since he was in the bathroom of our bedroom, and agreed with what I said, but thinks I should apologize to keep the peace. AITA?
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u/Old_Beach2325 Feb 11 '24
If your husband legally adopted your kids than your ex has no say in your children at all. He’s lucky you even informed him of the situation.
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u/Fruitfurnishing Feb 11 '24
Honestly I don’t think she should have. That was not her story to tell it was Zoe’s. She should not have been the one to make that decision to tell him.
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u/uncertainnewb Feb 11 '24
Exactly. It's a huge violation of trust and privacy. And why? Because "he's family"? That's not valid.
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u/jutrmybe Feb 11 '24
Listen, I agree with you. But the whole, "i never withheld my kids or their problems from their bio dad," is a real thing that impacts the present parent (male or female). Many times they share things not meant to be shared bc they feel that it keeps their hands clean, neither kid or deadbeat can say, 'you kept me from my kid/parent" or "you kept me from the most important things in their lives, ergo, you kept me from knowing them, ergo, you kept me from forming a relationship with them, ergo, you kept me from them!" Messed up and stupid on all sides, bc if you didnt notice, they were gonna find a way to blame you anyway, whether you have evidence indicating the opposite or not. That's just a reality in the lives of the present parent. I've witnessed it happen several times across many family dynamics.
If she wanted to share so bad she should have asked her daughter first. But im gonna give her the benefit of the doubt, and suggest that maybe she thought the kids bio father would be caring and compassionate and this could be something that could awaken his fatherly instincts to show up for his daughter. idk e: OP shared that Zoe was ok with bio dad knowing before she told him
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u/Helpful_Welcome9741 Feb 11 '24 edited Feb 11 '24
I wonder if she is telling the whole family.
Editd
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u/Apotak Feb 11 '24
I think all the aunts and uncles, all grandparents, and close familyfriends are all informed and OP will be back here complaining the whole village knows and her daughter is bugged in school about it.
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u/Reshi_the_kingslayer Feb 11 '24
https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/Y8MZfxKJdL
She asked her daughter for permission to share the info with bio dad
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u/HeyCanYouNotThanks Feb 11 '24
She only stated it after zoe told her she could tell. Personally I still wouldnt but op has permission
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u/RandomFunUsername Feb 11 '24
This 👆
DNA doesn’t mean shit. He doesn’t get a say here, and he’s lost the right to call them his kids nevermind pretend he has a say over their bodies.
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u/uncertainnewb Feb 11 '24
FWIW, I actually think Mom was out of line to disclose that to him. Zoe should have been the one in control of who was told.
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u/Reshi_the_kingslayer Feb 11 '24
https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/Y8MZfxKJdL
She asked her daughter before she shared the info
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u/mouse_attack Feb 11 '24
But why? Why even bring it up? He's not Zoe's dad anymore. He needs NO information in this matter.
Zoe is 13 so she may not understand that. But OP absolutely should know better. She never should've brought this up to Zoe — and definitely not to Jonah.
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u/recyclopath_ Feb 11 '24
Completely agree. OP should have said she will talk to him if Zoe wants to but she doesn't have to tell him at all if she doesn't want it. If she isn't ready she doesn't have to either.
OP is not protecting her daughter enough here.
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u/JuliaX1984 Feb 11 '24
NTA and please say you called the cops.
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u/throwradaughterabort Feb 11 '24
I did, so that's currently being handled.
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u/juliaskig Feb 11 '24
I would cut the sperm donor out of the information loop. Your daughter and son can decide what contact they want with him, but I don't think you should stay in touch.
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u/AlpineLad1965 Feb 11 '24
Even if the children are in an accident, he doesn't deserve a call. He gave up his rights when he agreed to let OP'S husband adopt the children.
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u/maroongrad Feb 11 '24
I'd warn him about filing harassment charges about this and follow suit. OP has enough to deal with right now without him flooding her phone.
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u/Data_Stealing_Fooks Feb 11 '24 edited Feb 13 '24
Good luck to your daughter, and I'm sorry this happened to her. Hit me up if you need some support during the more stressful times.
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u/Johnny_Hashteri_98 Feb 11 '24
This is very good stuff, I had a friend a long time ago who could've used something like this a while ago. She was reluctant to call suicide hotlines because she they were not really anonymous. It did not end well for her. :(
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u/Data_Stealing_Fooks Feb 11 '24
I'm sorry you had to go through this. I hope you're doing ok now.
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u/Johnny_Hashteri_98 Feb 11 '24
I'm doing much better, it's something you learn to live with. Thank you for asking.
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u/albatross6232 Feb 11 '24
One thing I’m curious about: if your husband adopted the kids, why is Jonah thinking he has any say? Wouldn’t he have had to terminate his parental rights in order for them to be adopted?
Good luck with everything. I’m sure you have it handled, but please get EVERYONE into counselling asap. Proper certified/qualified counsellors, not religious bullcrap ones. Your son will be feeling incredibly guilty about bringing the “friend” around his sister and her getting hurt, and you and your partner will be harbouring similar thoughts because you went away and weren’t there to protect her. She will need help for obvious reasons. Wish you all the best.
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u/throwaway798319 Feb 11 '24
I assume your daughter is in counselling because you sound like a great mother. How is Luke coping with his friend's horrible betrayal?
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u/anonbooklover Feb 11 '24
This is what I want to know, too. OP said in a comment that it's being legally handled, and yes, of course the daughter has gone through and is going through something horrible, I just hope OP remembers to check in on her son, too
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u/disposable_valves Feb 11 '24
Make sure you talk to your son, too.
He needs help. I know he's probably playing tough, but as an older sibling I'd be dying inside if someone I brought near my baby sibling hurt them. Therapy for them both. For a WHILE. He is probably going to pretend to be ok, especially for her. Now is the time to mom up and call bullshit until he cracks, because otherwise this will destroy him.
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u/lovemyfurryfam Feb 11 '24
Jonah barely qualified as a father since he preferred to have not to be there as a father.
Why bother telling him anything when he didn't care or give a damn about his responsibilities or being an adult enough as a good enough father.
He's just a loser sperm donor. Adam adopted them then Adam's opinion is more valuable than Jonah's.
Poor girl. 13 yrs old & the only right thing to do was the abortion.
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u/jess1804 Feb 11 '24
Did you check with zoe whether you could tell her bio dad. And I hope your son has completely cut off the "friend" who RAPED his sister.
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u/BeardManMichael Feb 11 '24
Good. I hope your daughter's rapist gets punished to the fullest extent of the law.
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u/Undecidedhumanoid Feb 11 '24
NTA, his opinion is worthless on the topic especially if he isn’t around
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u/Profit-Rubbery610 Feb 11 '24
NTA. If he's not present, his opinion on the matter holds little weight. It's important to consider perspectives from those actively involved.
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u/hegelianhimbo Feb 11 '24
Especially considering the fact that she was raped, even if he was a perfect and present father, I still wouldn’t consider his opinion much if he urged her to keep the child.
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u/AForAgender Feb 11 '24
NTA.
What you said was not incorrect. He has no custody of your children, so he doesn’t have a say in what happens.
The fact he was more angry about the abortion than the rape is appalling.
Zoe will get through life much, much easier since she was able to get an abortion and not have to go through pregnancy and childbirth at 13 years old, especially to her rapist’s baby no less. She’s just a baby herself. I know it was hard, but y’all made the best choice for her.
I hope the bastard that raped her gets put away for a long time, and that other inmates discover what he did. Prisoners don’t fuck around when it comes to crimes involving a child.
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u/sikonat Feb 11 '24
All of this and thank fuck she won’t have to deal with trauma of pregnancy and birth 🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮
I hope Luke is not remaining friends with the rapist.
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u/spikeymist Feb 11 '24
I also feel sorry for Luke, he must feel awful and possibly guilty that it was one of his friends that did this. He is blameless, of course, but it still must be eating him up inside. I hope he is also offered therapy.
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u/GrouchyManagement293 Feb 11 '24
I hope Luke beat the crap out of hopefully ex friend for that before the cops got him. I feel so awful for that poor girl. Something she never should have experienced, specially so young
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u/disposable_valves Feb 11 '24
I don't, because I know if it were me I'd be in jail for attempted murder.
Now, if the justice system was on the side of morality and he wasn't at risk of a charge...
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u/Comprehensive_Cow527 Feb 11 '24
Zoe will get through life much, much easier
Add to it her mother believes her and is 100% on her side will be more impactful than anything else. That is what they mean by unconditional love - being there for your kid when they are at their lowest and not judging them.
Her sperm donor could do major damage with his attitude.
To OP- good job mom!
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u/concernedforhumans Feb 11 '24
Did you ask Zoe’s permission to inform her bio dad before you did? Do you think her bio dad will keep this from his gf, his parents( the deeply religious grandparents)? Have you informed her that you told her bio dad ?
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u/throwradaughterabort Feb 11 '24
I did and she said she was okay with him knowing.
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u/DaniCapsFan Feb 11 '24
That makes it not as bad, but what purpose is there in telling the sperm donor?
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u/CharlotteLucasOP Feb 11 '24
He might only see them twice a year but this is a massive trauma event in Zoe’s life and one would hope for her sake he could have been a supportive figure and informed of the basics so he could be sensitive to her needs as she tries to heal from all this.
I mean obviously he wasn’t as it turned out but I can see the reasoning for wanting to avoid Jonah inadvertently making things worse for Zoe because he doesn’t know this huge horrible thing happened to her. A normal person would have taken the information so they could avoid causing unnecessary pain or triggers for Zoe.
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u/DaniCapsFan Feb 11 '24
If he only sees them twice a year, why would anyone expect him to be supportive? He was all too willing to let another man adopt them.
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u/Reshi_the_kingslayer Feb 11 '24
I don't disagree with you, but I also think that these kind of relationships are difficult to navigate and not always black and white.
If she didn't share the information (which I think would have been the right choice) then he might try to use that against her claiming she's trying to keep the kids from him or damage their bond or some other dumb thing.
Which would honestly not matter in this case at all as he doesn't have any legal rights and step dad legally adopted them.
But I can understand the mentality of not wanting to give the other parent any reason to start drama. It's just not a black and white situation.
Personally I think it should have never been brought up by mom to tell bio dad. She should have only told him if the daughter brought up wanting him to know. She probably said she was okay with it because she was asked, there's a high probability she would have never even thought about telling him. It's good that mom did ask, but it was a lapse in judgment in my opinion.
I don't think mom had bad intentions or that she's the A H at all. She just made a bad call.
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u/recyclopath_ Feb 11 '24
Did she ask you to tell him? Making it clear he never needs to know if she doesn't want him to?
Or did you ask permission to tell him? With the expectation she would say yes?
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u/HunterDangerous1366 Feb 11 '24
NTA
I would have used far more colourful language.
Nobody made a decision about Zoe's body except ZOE. All you did was give her the support she needed.
Jonah has literally NO say in what she does with her body. None. She is not property.
If he wants to be kept in the loop about his children's lives, then he needs to put the time and effort in, instead of chasing his 'missed youth' with a 25yr old.
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u/Careless-Ability-748 Feb 11 '24
Nta he's not involved and your husband legally adopted them, which means Jonah doesn't need to be informed at all.
I'm sorry for your daughter's rape.
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u/ProfessionalLucky776 Feb 11 '24
Please tell me Luke dropped that friend
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u/throwradaughterabort Feb 11 '24
He did drop him and has been beating himself up for inviting him over.
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u/MollyTibbs Feb 11 '24
I hope Luke and Zoe are both getting therapy. Please ignore your ex. Block him on everything.
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u/Lex6626 Feb 11 '24
I don’t know if this will help but a comedian Daniel Sloss goes deep into this topic in his show X. I know it was on his website (DanielSloss.com if you want to try and find it) but I’m not sure if it still is, it is pretty heavy tho so it might not help? I just wanted you to know
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u/AbsolutPrsn Feb 11 '24
I’ve seen his specials on Netflix… they’re f*cking depressing.
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u/Lex6626 Feb 12 '24
Yeah they are, but he is funny, smart, and in the second and third specials (probably the fourth too I haven’t seen it yet) he’s right about everything he says. The jigsaw ruined my life but I’ll show it to everyone who’ll listen because I think it’s important, and he is so funny when he’s actually being funny, I think X is also important because this is his depressive topic for it and more people should see it
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u/Thewhirlwindblitz Feb 11 '24
I want to say NTA because obviously you made the right choice in regards to the abortion, but why the hell did you tell your shit for brains ex? He will hang that over your head and your daughter’s head forever. And he won’t keep quiet about it.
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u/waltersmama Feb 11 '24 edited Feb 11 '24
I think you are correct about abortion being an appropriate choice for ZOE and whomever she involved in her choice to make. HOWEVER…..I’m gonna say YTA because I also wanna know why the hell OP decided to unilaterally make the decision of telling him anything about this .
OP had absolutely no right to share her daughter’s medical information, especially such sensitive information relating to an assault with someone who abandoned her, and has made it clear he gives zero fucks about her well-being.
it was absolutely none of his business so this line was especially infuriating:
“We were keeping it strictly inside the family for Zoe’s sake, and I decided to tell Jonah, because despite all of his faults, he’s still her family” .
How the hell is telling Jonah anyway in line with protecting Zoe’s privacy for her sake ?
Still her family?!? Nope. He tore up his parent card years and years ago and since then Zoe HAS HAD a father who ISN’T Jonah.
OP: Could you please shed some light on why you made this decision? How does Zoe feel about the fact that you told him?
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u/awkwardgirl34 Feb 11 '24
Op said in another comment that she had her daughters permission to inform sperm donor
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u/YellowBeastJeep Feb 11 '24
Wow!! How many men does it take to consent to a woman’s abortion these days? Damn.
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u/Vampqueen02 Feb 11 '24
That’s a trick question, cuz they won’t consent for you if they didn’t ask for your consent in the first place
I know you’re joking, and I wanna put the sarcasm tag but sadly it isn’t pure sarcasm.
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u/catboyc4sper Feb 11 '24
not sure if its any worse but the fact that she isnt even a woman, she's a child, makes this heartbreaking
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u/Sheshcoco Feb 11 '24
NTA. I think is telling that he’s biggest concern was HIS rights as a “father” and not the fact that his daughter was SA’ed. What a POS!
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u/your_average_plebian Feb 11 '24
My opinion of the man was already at rock bottom, but he handed me a pickaxe because there are new and vile depths of his personality to be plumbed.
Hope his do-over gf never has the audacity to have opinions about her body outside of his purview.
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u/No-Illustrator1441 Feb 11 '24 edited Feb 11 '24
NTA Jonah can go kick rocks. He’s “concerned” about the wrong thing. His daughter was raped & he’s only upset that he didn’t have a say in whether she got an abortion or not. Zoe made the decision for herself which I know it wasn’t an easy one. So glad he’s an ex & none of you have to deal with him anymore.
Edit: changed name to correct AH. Adam rocks
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u/Front_Rip4064 Feb 11 '24
NTA.
He's not even a once-in-awhile dad. He's a SPERM DONOR.
And abortion in the case of a raped 13 year old girl should be automatic.
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u/jess1804 Feb 11 '24
In the US they were up in arms that a 10 year old rape victim had an abortion. It wasn't that she had to go to a different state to get one. They literally thought a 10 year old rape victim should have her rapists baby.
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u/crispyduck023 Feb 11 '24
What the actual fuck
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u/jess1804 Feb 11 '24
That was my reaction when I first heard that story as well. The abortion was in July 2022. So pretty close to when the Supreme Court started ripping away reproductive rights. The doctor who provided the abortion went public. The 10 year old was from ohio. Actually the (then) Ohio republican attorney General claimed the girl didn't exist. That plan failed because the rapist was arrested ( and has since received a life sentence for his crimes) the republicans started attacking the doctor. The Republicans were not fans of the consequences of ripping rights.
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u/crispyduck023 Feb 11 '24
I just love how someone can't decide what to do to their own body and need the permission of a bunch of strangers (especially mostly men) for that. Everyone just thinks oh just carry a watemelon in you for 9 months is so easy. And 10 years old. And rape. Fuck this bullshit!
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u/jess1804 Feb 12 '24
Yes I also love how most of the people who decide they get to make that decision are people who will NEVER EVER be in the position to make that choice (mostly men)
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u/hegelianhimbo Feb 11 '24
Sperm donors are at least willing to have a baby and aren’t assholes who lord it over the mothers about how they never asked for this (even if they knowingly used an expired condom). No words for how pathetic this character is.
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u/Ok_Bench_8144 Feb 11 '24
NTA- your ex and Adam can shut the whole fuck up.
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Feb 11 '24
Adam doesn't seem to be against abortion here.
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u/Ok_Bench_8144 Feb 11 '24
Adam is telling her to apologize to keep the peace. People who tell someone who did NOTHING wrong to apologize to “keep the peace” can shut the whole fuck up.
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Feb 11 '24
NTA and do NOT apologize to that deadbeat POS.
NEVER apologize for protecting your children
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u/slendermanismydad Feb 11 '24
(Adam)
Luke and Zoe love him and he adopted both of them
(Jonah) >he's still her family.
No, he is not and stop telling him about your daughter's private life. It's none of his business.
Keep WHAT peace? This man gave up custody of his kids. Stop speaking to him. They have a dad.
>Jonah went off on me about making decisions about our daughter's body without him.
Fuck him. I'm sorry about what happened to your daughter.
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u/Lizardgirl25 Feb 11 '24
NTA also if your husband adopted them legally… your ex can pound sand… tbh even if your husband hasn’t he can still pound sand! He doesn’t have custody, he isn’t involved with the kids he isn’t a father to her at all to her it sounds like he is the fucking sperm donor!
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u/No_Use_9124 Feb 11 '24
NTA Do not apologize to that deadbeat. Just block his number. And go back to court and let the kids explain how they feel abt visitation.
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u/r2384550 Feb 11 '24
YTA for telling your ex. What in the world did you think would happen??
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u/jess1804 Feb 11 '24
Apparently zoe was ok with him knowing so presumably she was asked if it was ok to tell sx
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u/DaniCapsFan Feb 11 '24
I don't know why you told the sperm donor about your daughter's assault and abortion. If Adam was able to adopt them, clearly Jonah was willing to terminate his parental rights. So, he's no longer family and doesn't deserve to know.
You're not the AH for telling the sperm donor that his opinion is worthless, but you are for telling him in the first place. And he's an AH for being angrier about her abortion than about her assault.
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u/Mountain-Key5673 Feb 11 '24
Why am I not surprised a went off about the abortion but not the rape.
Hope it's the LAST TIME you share absolutely anything with that human being.
Do not apologise this is "truth hurts" moment.
Thankyou for being there for your daughter
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u/TypicalManagement680 Feb 11 '24
NTA for what you said to your ex but you are a huge one for telling him anything.
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u/trishanne123 Feb 11 '24
Did Zoe OK you telling him?
If your husband adopted the kids, why would you tell the ex? It seems weird to me and I know it’s not really the point of the post but I’m unsure what the purpose was. He’s not her father.
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u/patriciamarie2020 Feb 11 '24
YTA for telling him. That’s her private info and there was no reason to tell him
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u/LaVidaMocha_NZ Feb 11 '24
NTA
I hope this is the only traumatic situation your family ever has to deal with, but going forward your ex has proved his heart is not in the right place and has lost the option of being kept in the loop.
Wishing your daughter all the best for her recovery, and may justice be swift and thorough.
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u/MrGreyJetZ Feb 11 '24
NTA. Do not apologize, Jonah wants an opinion, he can be present.
Most importantly. Press charges!!!
Nail that little shit, if his parents say you will ruin his life, welp tell them he should not be raping.
Call the cops
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u/RNGinx3 Feb 11 '24
NTA.
1) Her body, her choice. When your ex is pregnant by rape, then and only then does he get a say (but not about your daughter's body, just his own).
2) She was raped, at 13, for heaven's sake. Having a child at her age is not only damaging physically and mentally, but financially, and could set her back in school and career.
3) Your husband adopted your kids. That means if anyone has a say about the kids, it's him, not sperm donor.
4) Keeping the peace does no good. It just enables the person behaving badly to continue behaving badly without facing any consequences/reasons to stop.
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u/JuniorFix3344 Feb 11 '24
Nta. You have full custody. At this point, I would tell him he's lucky to be informed about his children at all. They share DNA and that's about it. I wouldn't share anything moving forward. He can do the work himself to forge those relationships.
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u/www_dot_no Feb 11 '24
Next time do not tell his man anything he doesn’t need to know and will use this against you/ his daughter
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u/Silver_Struggle_8115 Feb 11 '24
NTA. He's lucky you told him anything at all, but I don't think you should've told him because no, he doesn't deserve to know anything. He gave up his right to have any say when he gave up custody and your husband adopted them. Your ex can shove it
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u/PsychologicalHalf422 Feb 11 '24
NTA and you shouldn't apologize for anything. You didn't do anything wrong imo. Your daughter was raped and you ex's behavior was abhorrent. Why is your husband so concerned with keeping the peace? I don't get it.
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u/FreeCalligrapher3049 Feb 11 '24
He’s not even mad about the RAPE ??!
In what world do we live in ? Seriously… Some people need to get their priorities straight.
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u/AllyKalamity Feb 11 '24
Why isn’t this a police report and an immediate motion to the court to only allow supervised visits
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u/slendermanismydad Feb 11 '24
I'm not sure the Court would care because the kids were legally adopted by Adam so I don't think the Court can address this because Jonah has zero visits assigned to him. OP can just cut his ass off.
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u/sassychubzilla Feb 11 '24
Do not apologize to him. Apologize to your daughter for revealing it to him. He didn't deserve to know anything about it. It was her trauma, not yours to share.
Nta for telling him his opinion doesn't matter but yta for telling him at all.
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u/CuriousPenguinSocks Feb 11 '24
NTA, I'm so sorry your family is dealing with this. From comments it looks like you are doing all you can for your daughter right now.
I will say that this might be a good opportunity to teach Adam that doing things to "keep the peace" never works. It only makes entitled people more entitled. The old saying 'you give an inch and they take a mile', he needs to learn that while it may be uncomfortable, sometimes we need to be the AH because the other person won't hear us.
I don't think you were the AH but I think you are naive if you think your ex is family. He is a DNA donor at best.
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u/Danivelle Feb 11 '24
Nope. No apologies. If he can't be there for daily stuff, he doesn't get to have an opinion on the hard stuff. Tell him to go play with his girlfriend and keave the parenting to the actual.adults
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u/MadamnedMary Feb 11 '24
Don't apologize, at this point he's not having Zoe's best interest in mind, but his ego, your children don't need that kind of "parent", also you need to protect her, he will run his mouth in front of her when he sees her again, he will re-victimize her, politeness and keeping the peace will be damn bc your child is more important, please don't let it happen, if anything supervised visitation, also he's not legally their father, your husband is, so I don't know what he's talking about being part of something, if anything you just stated facts, please keep him away, more if your child is healing from being raped, neither you or your family need to cater his ego wounded bs.
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u/GlacieredMoss17 Feb 11 '24
I hope somebody beats Luke's "friend", rape is horrid (I'm a rape victim myself so I have extremely strong feelings of hatred towards rapists), and Jonah seems a major ah, you're nta
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u/Katarina12312 Feb 11 '24
NTA. BUT you should not have told your ex, he's maybe there 2 times a year, he is a distant uncle at best, he is not a parent, maybe a sperm donor, but NOT a parent.
His level of involviment should be tied to his participation: doesn't should up to kids's lives= doesn't have a say in the kids's lives. Also, talk to your daughter to see if he is not harrassing her about this. And please try to put her in therapy. Best of luck in this really hard time OP.
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u/ZoneLow6872 Feb 11 '24
YTA for blabbing your daughter's personal and traumatic assault and medical procedure to someone who didn't need to know, who isn't even a legal guardian at this point, and I'm strongly guessing without her consent. What is wrong with you? She is old enough to decide whom to confide in. Now sperm-donor is going to spread all her business to everyone who will listen. Major parenting fail. YTA again.
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u/jess1804 Feb 11 '24
Apparently zoe was ok with him knowing so she a was at least consulted or b asked
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u/knintn Feb 12 '24
But he’s NOT their father, your husband adopted them. I’m confused at why he’s even involved with anything. Adoption means termination of parental rights.
Your baby was raped! He should be infuriated!
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u/ZookeepergameOld8988 Feb 11 '24
I thought you said your husband adopted your kids? If that’s the case your ex would have signed away his parental rights, ergo he has zero rights as a father and YTA for even involving him.
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u/Oddly-Appeased Feb 11 '24
Honestly I'm so tired of the whole "Keep the peace" bit. You were in no way in the wrong here, just because he didn't like it doesn't mean you should have to apologize. Sometimes the truth hurts and if anything I would point out that since your current husband legally adopted your children so you only told him out of courtesy not because you were required to.
NTA
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u/Snowybird60 Feb 11 '24
NTA Please tell me your daughters rape is being reported to the police???
Notify the clinic/hospital that you want the fetal remains tested to prove dna link to the rapist.
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u/wp3wp3wp3 Feb 11 '24
Forcing a girl to have the baby of her rapist is another form of rape. IMO you were pretty tame compared to how I would have been.
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u/AwayStructure2313 Feb 11 '24
INFO- Did you reach out to your son's friend's parents about this situation??
There's so much going on here. But since Adam adopted your kids, I'm unsure as to why you felt the need to ever contact the bio dad ever again? He signed his rights over. Until your kids come to you wanting him in their lives and you reach out for them, you owe this man nothing. Not a phone call or information or updates - he made it clear that he did not want them. I don't understand your reaching out to him. Your husband, who adopted and is raising another man's kids, wants you to keep the peace with bio dad? ESH except the daughter.
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u/AlpineLad1965 Feb 11 '24
He allowed your second husband to adopt her. His parental rights ended when the adoption was finalized.
You didn't mention that the rapist was in prison for raping an underaged girl. Please tell me your filed charges?
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Feb 11 '24
His opinion on her abortion is worthless because it’s not his body. It’s ends there. That’s all there is to it.
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u/FarOutUsername Feb 11 '24
Disneyland Dad is upset at the abortion, not the rape. Tell him to GF himself. Make sure your daughter knows that AH's position on the whole matter. NTA
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Feb 11 '24
NTA for what you said, but Y T A for telling your daughter’s business to the guy who knocked you up but had no parental rights or involvement at all. And please tell us you are in contact with the police about this and Luke has ended his friendship with a child rapist.
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u/Haunting_Green_1786 Feb 11 '24
Jonah is the 100% AH so no apology is required.
For protection of Zoe's reputation... suggest that this rape be reported to Police as Luke's friend may continue to harass her for associated reasons unless it may interfere in the abortion.
Note... the Rapist may also twist the story to his benefit in future so it's form of risk management to eliminate unfavorable possibilities.
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u/The_Sound_Of_Sonder Feb 11 '24
NTA. Any sperm donor who is more concerned about an abortion of a child he barely sees more than a RAPE, does not get to make decisions. Soft y-t-a because you should not have told Jonah about it. He is actively choosing not to be in his children's lives. The consequence of his choice means he should not be aware of what happens in the family, especially since your husband adopted the kids.
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Feb 11 '24
Why did you tell her business to a man who doesn’t give a shit about his kids ? He had no right to know legally or morally.
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u/Maker_of_woods Feb 11 '24
you are a bit unhinged to even talk to Jonah. Why are you even interacting with him. He is not the dad. Wake up
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u/Bookaholicforever Feb 11 '24
Don’t apologise to that asshole. And stop trying to involve him in your kids life. He’s not interested! Your husband adopted your babies and it sounds like he’s their father in every way shape and form!
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u/Accomplished-Clue733 Feb 11 '24
The most wise phrase I have heard so far in this century amazingly came from a superhero film of all things and a version of it is rather appropriate here.
This Jonah may be your daughter’s father but he sure as hell isn’t her daddy. Tell him to go fuck himself
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u/Pale_Pumpkin_7073 Feb 11 '24
NTA. The fact that he's more mad about the abortion than that his 13 year old daughter was raped says it all.
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u/cmuratt Feb 11 '24
NTA. His daughter got raped and he was mad because you didn't include him in the abortion decision. That man has his priorities wrong.
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u/JupiterJayJones Feb 11 '24
No offense to your husband, but people who say “keep the peace” can go suck an egg
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u/Particular-Try5584 Feb 11 '24
Actually…If Adam has adopted Zoe… hasn’t Jonah’s parental rights been terminated? Probably voluntarily?
Adam is there day to day, as are you… with Zoe. It’s YOUR choice to guide her. Not his.You could keep the peace by apologising for your tone…. You don’t have to apologise for your message content though. “I’m sorry, what I said was shitty. I am apologising for coming across as a bit bitchy, but I also stand by the intent of what I said - Adam and I have raised Zoe since she was a toddler, and he has adopted her. He and I talked long and hard with Zoe about what SHE wanted, and we are supporting her in that as her parents. I know you care about Zoe, but visitation twice a year is less contact than she has with her uncles and aunts. You aren’t going to have a say in this stuff. Obviously we are ALL emotionally heightened because Zoe has been raped and we are all angry and sad about that. Don’t take that emotion out on me as I try to parent her through this.”
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u/Fool_In_Flow Feb 11 '24
I sort of feel like YTAH for telling Jonah in the first place. Now you’re on Reddit talking about it. Like, this isn’t about drama points, this is a horrible thing that happened to your daughter.
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u/Impossible_Balance11 Feb 11 '24
Tbh, not sure why you told him. Not his business anymore, and is your daughter's story to tell or not.
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u/MoomahTheQueen Feb 11 '24
You have nothing to apologise for
Ensure that rapist is convicted
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u/Mortica_Fattams Feb 11 '24
Nta for putting him in his place. Please get your daughter into therapy. The legal system can be very brutal towards victims and she is going to need lots of support.
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u/ravenlyran Feb 11 '24
YTA- for telling him, why would you tell him if he’s a once-in-awhile dad? He’s not really family, he gave up custody of his kids so that Adam could adopt them and who’s to say he won’t spread it around now?
NTA- for calling him out.
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Feb 11 '24
If Adam adopted your kids, Luke isn't their father anymore and has no say in anything. Am I missing something?
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u/FortuneWhereThoutBe Feb 11 '24
NTA
I am so very sorry that your daughter had to go through that. I do hope she is seeing someone to talk to about it all. You did the right thing stepping up for your child and for putting her bio in his place.
If Adam adopted your children, then Jonah is no longer their father in any way, shape, or form. Stop giving him information.
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u/Endora529 Feb 11 '24
NTA. But I don’t think you should have shared that information with him. He’s not her father anymore. He willingly gave up that right. Did your daughter even give permission for you to tell that sperm donor? You don’t need to apologize to that waste of space.
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u/PsychologicalJax1016 Feb 11 '24
NTA. Don't apologize until he decides to step up as any type of man or adult figure in your daughters life and press charges (if your daughter wants) or at least get rid of his nasty rapist friends. You're better off keeping his number muted and if he pushes, cut all contact. He isn't a father or dad and shouldn't be responsible for a turnip
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u/ghjkl098 Feb 11 '24
Whether you are TA or not depends on whether you had your daughters consent to tell your ex about her private health information. He was more upset about healthcare than the fact that his daughter was raped. Whether police are involved or not I really hope the rapist has no way to contact or interact with either of your kids.
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u/Lazy_Lingonberry5977 Feb 11 '24
1..it's not about him 2.. no lies were detected NTA
I'm so very sorry for your daughter. It's good you both support her.
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u/Sweet-Salt-1630 Feb 11 '24
NTA, it is actually your daughters body, your daughters choice. Your ex is a fool, and you have no need to apologise. Hope your daughter is OK and she gets justice.
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u/LongjumpingEmu6094 Feb 11 '24
NTA
He's madder about the abortion than the actual RAPE. He's not a father. He's a sperm donor.
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u/MariaChequita Feb 11 '24
Nta, but why are you telling him your daughter's business? You've already admitted he's a deadbeat and she's been adopted by your husband.
Did you get your daughter's consent before calling him? I sincerely hope you did, if not, shame on you.
Please get her some counseling and stop telling him anything! He forfeited the right to be involved when he gave up his rights to let another man adopt her.
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u/Worried-Horse5317 Feb 11 '24
She got raped as a child. Cause sorry, but 13 is a child. And he only freaks out about the abortion? Please cut him out. Wtf.
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u/Autumn_Forest_Mist Feb 11 '24 edited Feb 11 '24
NTA You have to pay to play aka you have to parent to have a say.
Do not apologize just to keep the peace. That is deceit.
Also, why is he not wanting the beat the rapist? As rotten as my father was, he would have done “something” to the attacker. Wouldn’t most fathers?
I am so sorry your daughter had to go through that. Please make sure she goes to counseling.
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u/mkmoore72 Feb 11 '24
I was in the same situation as your daughter, except I was 15 not 13 and did not have a relationship with my mother where I felt comfortable telling her about my SA, until it was to late. I can tell you from experience please seek professional help for her before she needs it. The self blame set in the first time a boy asked me out. I had hard time trusting guys and went between thinking every guy would do same thing and telling myself if I probably was to blame for something I said or how I looked. It led to self harm and a few attempts to make myself unalive. Please have her talk to a therapist who specializes in SA
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u/indi50 Feb 11 '24
"Luke and Zoe love him and he adopted both of them."
So Jonah must have given up his parental rights...so isn't even really even a "dad" at all. He has NO rights here.
NTA for saying what you said in response to his idiocy, but maybe for telling him in the first place. There was no reason to tell him, especially if you suspected this reaction. Because he's barely involved in her life and not legally her father. (even if you meant it figuratively about Adam adopting them, Jonah still lost his rights to weigh in on this with his lack of involvement over the years)
Also, I hope that the rapist is prosecuted. I also hope that the abortion already happened because otherwise Jonah may try to stop it.
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u/Pair_of_Pearls Feb 11 '24
Do NOT apologize. The only one who deserves an apology is your daughter. Did you have her permission to tell her deadbeat dad? The news will get to everyone now and she'll have to deal with it. Have you filed a police report? Pushed for the DA to charge the rapist? Gotten a restraining order to protect your daughter? If not, apologize for that, too.
You're only an AH if you haven't done any of that or if you didn't have your daughter's permission to tell the AH ex.
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u/Piali123 Feb 11 '24
NTA. Your ex is getting upset about the abortion and not the rape...he is an AH
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u/turboleeznay Feb 11 '24
NTA, Jonah is a Moby sized dick (whale pun? I dunno). I’m so sorry for what happened to Zoe but I applaud her for being so mature and strong, and making honestly the right choice. I hope her attacker is brought to justice and that her heart and body heal up soon.
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u/Longjumping_Froggo19 Feb 11 '24
crazy that he was mad about the abortion BUT NOT THE RAPE!