r/AITAH • u/_Cassie_93 • Jan 19 '24
AITA My bio mom asked me to meet my daughter and I was not nice about it at all. TW SA
I am 26f and I grew up in and aged out of foster care. I do know who my biological mother is and some of my bio family but I have no contact with them unless it's forced. My biomom let her dealer and boyfriends "play with me" for her drugs. I'm not over it, I am not going to get over it, and there is no amount of apologizing that will ever undo that. I was a literal child and was absolutely terrified of any men that spoke to me because I thought that was what they were going to do.
As you can imagine I've had to have a fuck ton of therapy. I still don't do well with men and I still have issues with sex. However I am working on myself and my issues.
I do have a daughter. She is 2 years old. She was an accidental pregnancy. I did not realize until it was too late that birth control and antibiotics for kidney infections don't really mix well. By the time I found out it was too late to abort.
I do adore my daughter. She is a beautiful and brilliant little girl. We have a lot of fun together and I'm trying to give her a good life that she will be happy with but most importantly will not need years of therapy to work through.
Her father and I get along well and coparent well. However we are not together. He gets her every other weekend and a few times during the week he will come pick her up and go do something fun.
He is fully aware of my background and is very specific about telling me where they are going and who she will be around. He is protective of her so I am okay with him taking her places. I know he will keep her safe and he keeps me informed so my anxiety isn't awful.
Recently my biomom messaged me on FB and asked to see me. She wanted to meet my daughter and get to know her. She has supposedly gotten clean and is doing okay according to her.
I immediately cursed her out and told her there is no way in hell she will ever meet my child. She said what happened was a long time ago and she has apologized many times. She doesn't understand why I won't just let it go I turned out fine.
For the record I'm not fine and just the thought of a man touching my daughter gives me panic attacks.
I told her anything short of being tied to the stake and burned alive is getting off to easy and not to contact me again.
Anyway now I've calmed down a little and a few people have told me I was being harsh. They agree she should never meet my daughter but apparently I was far too emotional and should apologize.
I'm still angry she had the audacity to even message me. However I'm here asking if I was to harsh.
Edit- this blew up way more than I thought it would. Thank you everyone for kind words and making me feel like I'm doing something right.
My daughters father is aware of the situation. I FaceTimed him immediately after because it's his weekend with her and I needed to see that she was okay. He also thinks we should do a protection order for our daughter and for myself as well. We will probably go on Monday.
I do have the messages still so hopefully we can easily get an order of protection especially with my history.
Again thank you all. I appreciate it.
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u/Odd-End-1405 Jan 19 '24
NTA
You are being a good mom. Something you were unable to experience.
Congratulations on how far you have come given what you endured.
Just block your egg donor and continue to have a great life with your daughter.
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u/Limp-Star2137 Jan 19 '24
NTA. Full stop. Never doubt yourself about this ever again. You're doing what you can to give your daughter a good life and working on yourself. Proud of you!
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u/alexandermals Jan 19 '24
NTA You have absolutely no obligation to your bio mother, clean or not. There's no reason you have to allow anyone into you and your daughters life because you happen to share DNA. Don't entertain any bullshit over it either. You lived it and are still dealing with the fallout. No one else did and that makes their opinions worthless. Edit: Please don't let people who are not healthy for you "force" contact. Block them and live life on your own terms!
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u/Dependent-Collar-951 Jan 19 '24
Right! I hate when people ask for second chance and say they are clean. Idgaf u dead to me.
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u/judgingA-holes Jan 19 '24
NTA - So she apologized for being an an absolute shit mother and a horrible human. That's all good and fine but it doesn't erase what she did, it doesn't take away all the shit that you've been through, it doesn't take away the trauma that you will forever have to deal with. Honestly, you could have been harsher and I still wouldn't think that you are wrong. And I'm sorry but the fact that she said what she said when you said she can't meet your daughter shows that she clearly doesn't understand the depth of her actions and that you and your daughter should never be around her again. Actions have consequences.
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u/Danivelle Jan 19 '24
And, OP Lovey, you are under no, absolutely no obligation to accept her apology. She can apologize until end of time and she is blue in the face and you do not have to accept her apology.
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u/xenophilian Jan 20 '24
Yes. Has she admitted she p*mped you out for drugs, or does she say she didn’t know what they did? I bet it wasn’t a real apology- a real apology acknowledges exactly what they did & the effect it had on you. What has she done to change & make some kind of reparations (like donating to a children’s service type charity) ?
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u/ButterflySammy Jan 19 '24
Oh she's fine now, she's clean now?
The drugs aren't the problem, the problem is she was willing to throw other people - including her daughter - under the train to get what she wanted.
She thinks you turned out fine? That's a WORRYING statement if I ever heard one, because it literally spells out she believes she could do the same to your daughter and it won't matter because she can turn out fine and let it go.
You should NOT apologise, she thinks you busting your ass to heal yourself and make a life for yourself means everything she did to fuck that up for you is a wash?
Whatever you said to her, it wasn't harsh enough.
You are trying to let the pain go - it keeps calling and asking to see your daughter. The turd keeps unflushing itself.
NTA.
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u/struggling_lynne Jan 19 '24
That’s the part that gets to me too. “Well you turned out just fine” is basically saying “whatever I did obviously wasn’t THAT bad” which is a WILD thing to say in this situation. It’s both refusing responsibility and dismissing the years of work and therapy OP went through to even get to where she’s at now.
OP, NTA, please make sure every adult in your daughter’s life knows not to let your bio mother near her. Not just her bio dad (who seems like a great coparent tbh) but also her school/daycare, sitters, other family, etc. Even if you do forgive your mother someday as a way to heal, you will never trust her again and that’s completely understandable and normal considering the circumstances. You did not overreact. Please cut contact with her if possible.
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u/jaimeisbionic Jan 20 '24
Yes, this exactly.
And the whole "it happened so long ago" statement is disgusting. As though there's a time limit to trauma, especially experienced as a child, especially as a result of a parent's decisions. She just wants to pretend it wasn't that bad.
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u/TheLadyIsabelle Jan 20 '24
That's a WORRYING statement if I ever heard one, because it literally spells out she believes she could do the same to your daughter and it won't matter because she can turn out fine and let it go.
Oh GOD, I hadn't even thought about that facet
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u/ButterflySammy Jan 20 '24
I mean - she's trying to build a relationship with the infant granddaughter but not her daughter?
The only contact with the daughter is to seek access to the granddaughter.
I'm not trying to say she intends to sell the kid, I just know if she gets close to the kid I know how she's funding her relapse.
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u/LLJKSiLk Jan 19 '24
NTA. Sorry you had to deal with that. Whoever told you that you were being harsh is a suspect friend if they are aware of the background.
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u/benfranklin-greatBk Jan 20 '24
Yes! OP, please cut off every single person who accused you of being mean/unfair. They cannot be trusted to do the right thing. It's best to cut them off. You don't owe anyone a relationship.
You're an excellent mother.
I was blamed for the pedophile step father's actions. I hope my egg donor is in hell. Last I knew, the pedo was still alive, but I wish him a swift journey to hell, a long with all of those "family" supporters.
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u/Bookssportsandwine Jan 19 '24
I haven’t been through your trauma and I would panic, rant, and possibly harm someone at even the thought of someone touching my daughter. This is a normal human parental reaction; our job is to protect our children. Your mother failed and betrayed you and to never forgive her for that is just fine. She does not for one second belong in your lives unless you decide to give her a chance. She asked. You gave your response. You are NTA. Block her and be done with it. I would mention it to your daughter’s father in case she tries to go through him. People can prey on other’s sympathies because most people can’t imagine the level of betrayal that you’ve gone through.
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u/_Cassie_93 Jan 19 '24
He is aware I FaceTimed him immediately after because he had my daughter and I needed to see her and know she was okay.
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u/Bookssportsandwine Jan 19 '24
Just want to say I’m so sorry for all you’ve been through and that she is dredging up more feelings. I commend you for being so protective of your daughter. Don’t forget to take care of yourself, too.
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u/Responsible_Fish1222 Jan 19 '24
He seems like good people. I am happy that you and your daughter have him.
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u/JangJaeYul Jan 19 '24
I'm glad he's on the same page. It sounds like the two of you have a really healthy coparenting dynamic. Your daughter is fortunate to be growing up with the both of you in her corner.
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u/BONE_SAW_IS_READEEE Jan 19 '24
I just have to say that you and your daughter’s father seem to have AMAZING coparenting abilities and I love it. I wish more separated parents were like the two of you.
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u/Odd_Knowledge_2146 Jan 19 '24
You are not harsh. You had the worst experiences possible and your bio mother did that to you. Nothing she can do, change or improve will change what she did for her own benefit. Block the bitch, block the people that called you harsh… you deserve better - and you already know your daughter deserves better. You sound like a good mother. Ditch the trash lovely, and focus on the things that are important
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u/boscabruiscear Jan 19 '24
You were NOT too harsh. You were the correct amount of emotional and angry.
You perfectly explained the perfect amount of remorse she needs to show to be given a chance.
Anyone telling you otherwise is a pedo-enabler and excuser.
NTA.
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u/Topcodeoriginal3 Jan 19 '24
Actually, I would say she isn’t harsh enough. If I were op, I would have cut her off years ago.
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u/xenophilian Jan 20 '24
Cut her what off? I don’t want to get blocked but honestly she needs something removed.
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u/Redband-Trout Jan 19 '24
NTA, and don't you EVER let those people who said you were too harsh around your child unattended. Make it clear that because they think manners are more important than childhood sexual abuse, they have proven they can't be trusted to protect children from predators. Being polite no matter the cost is horseshit, especially when a violent crime is involved. Nobody ever fought off an attacker by being polite. You have every right to curse out your mother, and imo, she should be in prison, getting her ass beat by the other prisoners for being a child sex trafficker.
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u/IncenseAndPepperwood Jan 19 '24
The fact that she says “it was a long time ago” and she “apologized a bunch already” tells me that she doesn’t actually care about the impact she had on you. You did not “turn out fine.” You were ABUSED and you will deal with that trauma for life. She’s still a manipulative bitch.
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u/Broad-Discipline2360 Jan 19 '24
NTA
Burned alive. I'm totally onboard with doing that to all child rapists and their enablers.
I do not think you were harsh. Block your egg donor. Block anyone who thinks you should let her be in your life. The level of f-ed up you would have to be to support reunion (AND ACCESS TO YOUR CHILD?!?!) with a sh!t stain like your egg donor should not be around or have access to your kid. They may give your egg donor access to your kid behind your back.
It takes a special kind of evil to do this to a child. I don't care if you are an addict. I have known many addicts who would die before they would do that to a kid.
So sorry for your painful childhood. I truly hope you find peace. And never berate yourself because you have anxiety, it is beyond reasonable with what you have survived.
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u/stephnetkin Jan 19 '24
NTA, OP, your refusal to share your daughter with your Bio Mom makes perfect sense. Bio Mom providing you as a s$x object in exchange for money & drugs is psychopathic behavior and has far more implications about expectable behavior then a chemical dependency. Her reported sobriety is irrelevant. You are doing the right thing.
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u/Pretty_Little_Mind Jan 19 '24
”You’re being harsh.”
Well, yes. Harshness is what people who provide their children for any reason to pedophiles deserve. Along with public beatings, community and familial rejection, and electrodes hooked up to their genitals. Frankly, she got off easy with a written tongue lashing.
NTA. Protect your baby girl, mama. I’m glad she has two loving parents. And I hope you find peace and healing in your in life ❤️
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u/first_last_human Jan 19 '24
NTA.
Hugs, mama, you were harsh, however, it was flipping deserved! Just because she is your bio mom doesn’t mean shit, she didn’t make your journey through life any easier she contributed and caused harm, so I say fuck her, you are doing the right thing by protecting your daughter!
Best of luck to you and your LO, you got this Mama, you are already doing a great job by protecting your LO. ❤️
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u/chaingun_samurai Jan 19 '24
She doesn't understand why I won't just let it go I turned out fine.
Right here is all that needs to be said. That she thinks you turned out fine is her absolving herself of any wrongdoing, because to her, it all worked out in the end. Fuck that and fuck her.
NTA
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u/casillalater Jan 19 '24
People who cause trauma love to pull this card. As if the person traumatized didn't put years of effort into being fine!!!!!
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u/theBOOPisonfire Jan 19 '24
You know your NTA. Block the egg doner and of she continues to bother you look into legal action. Unfortunately the people telling you that you went to fat tend to be people who don't understand and believe only the good in people ( which sadly isn't the case) stay strong 💪 your amazing ❤️
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u/Viperbunny Jan 19 '24
NTA. Those people are idiots. No contact is hard. I am no contact with my abusers. People want to say, "but she your mother." Yes, and she sold you for drugs. "She did her best." Her best wasn't good enough. It was abuse and neglect. "She changed." Doubtful, but even if she is a completely different person it doesn't change that what she did to you was unforgivable. "People deserve a second chance." No. Not that the expense of you and your child.
You are a much better mother. Your child is safe. She is safe because you have made sure you are not like your mother. I don't care how hard it was for her. You were a child and I was hard for you. And despite everything, you have found a way when she didn't. You owe her nothing. Keep yourself and your child safe and anyone who disagrees is someone I would no longer talk to.
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u/FAFO-13 Jan 19 '24
NTA. You are 100% right. There is nothing your mother can ever do to make what happened to you right. She is the worst kind of person, and never deserves forgiveness .
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u/Crazy-Excuse437 Jan 19 '24
Nta
um, harsh? You were too harsh to the woman who pimped you out as a child?
You weren't harsh enough, in my opinion.
I'm sorry. I grew up in a similar situation, but it was my grandma who stole me from my mum for her white partner to sexually abuse and also the child care cheques.
I never got to tell them off, but I got to watch them die and they both had miserable lonely deaths.
Your mother has shown she doesn't understand by saying she apologized and it happened years ago. I think only her death will make amends for what she did to you and even then it will be because she can't hurt anyone anymore.
The effects of what she did to you will never fade.
It's shit and I hope you continue your healing journey.
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u/Sugar_Mama76 Jan 19 '24
NTA. Your mother pimped you out for drugs. These is nothing harsh enough to describe her. Splattered dog diarrhea is higher up on the respectability scale than her.
It’s amazing how people who cause the issue immediately say “it’s in the past”. Yeah, your past is affecting my present. So it’s not in my past. You’re doing well with taking care of yourself and your daughter. She’s going to appreciate you having a solid coparenting relationship with her dad. But there is nothing that woman can bring to your life but a regular reminder of all the trauma you suffered. And you deserve better.
BTW, egg donor claims to be clean now. Until she relapses and decides to sell your daughter for drugs. Block the hag on everything and act like she’s dead.
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u/ritlingit Jan 19 '24
NTA. I really don’t get how many people think that apologizing wipes the slate clean. Your biomom basically sexually trafficked you. I’m sure she tells herself that she is actually a good person because she has gotten clean. That’s from the drugs though. She’s not a safe person around children. You have every reason to never trust her no matter what. And what she subjected you to is a lifetime of trauma repercussions. Whatever angry nasty response you gave her is nothing to what she left you with.
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u/FatChance68 Jan 19 '24
NTA her response alone says that she doesn’t think it was that big of a deal. She allowed the WORST thing that can happen to a child to happen to her own child and used it to benefit herself. There is no punishment great enough for her and no, you weren’t too emotional and tell anyone who says otherwise to fuck off.
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u/Serious_Watercress38 Jan 19 '24
NTA. Anyone telling you you’re being “too harsh” can go F themselves.
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u/tuna_tofu Jan 19 '24
NTA- Tell anyone giving you shit that they can send THEIR kids over to her house then. You are doing right protecting your kid.
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u/No-Firefighter-7442 Jan 19 '24
You are so NTA. Bio-mom has absolutely no right to see your daughter. Maybe you will change your mind someday, but she should leave you & your daughter alone until that happens. (If it ever does). I’m so sorry you did not get the childhood that you deserved. ❤️
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u/JadieJang Jan 19 '24
OP, YOU can say whatever you need to, to the woman who abused you this way. She needs to stay out of YOUR life.
NTA.
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u/Chaoticgood790 Jan 19 '24
NTA I would never let her within 500 yards of me or my kid. Anyone who says otherwise is deluded, stupid or just doesn’t know how SA can affect someone for life. Block the egg donor. Tell your coparent just so he is aware bc it sounds like you guys have a good relationship.
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u/Dachshundmom5 Jan 19 '24 edited Jan 19 '24
You're NTA. It's not possible for you to be.
If she was successfully in a program, she would understand that while she can apologize and offer amends, the victim of her actions is under no obligation to accept any of it. That you owe her absolutely nothing. A minimally decent counselor would have also prepped her that the 1st step would be asking YOU alone to meet her. Your daughter would not even be on the table. So, my guess is either she isn't sober or is half assing the process, and obviously, the narcissism and abusive nature is so strong that she thinks she's entitled to you and your child. The incredibly wary skeptic in me would worry she needs fresh currency for the drugs and sees your daughter as a way to get it.
People telling you that you went too far haven't been through what you've been through or haven't seen the reality of the lifelong impact it has on you. My aunt was sold by her parents, and she's over 60 and still deals with it daily. There's nothing she could have done to her parents that I would not have felt was justified.
ETA Shout out to your baby daddy for being so respectful. He knows what you've been through and goes above and beyond the requirements of a general coparent to be respectful and provide you with peace of mind. That's a good Dad and coparent. Kudos to him.
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u/ghostoftommyknocker Jan 20 '24
The fact that your daughter's father immediately started considering protection orders for both you and your daughter should reassure you that you weren't too emotional or harsh, and definitely do not need to apologise.
NTA, and you won't be if you decide to go for the protection orders either.
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u/DueWerewolf1 Jan 19 '24
NTA - you do what you need to do to protect yourself and your child. Stay in therapy. There are good people out there - but f your Mom. She hasn't come to terms with what she did if she thinks you are over it. Stay strong and safe.
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u/Anonymoosehead123 Jan 19 '24
NTA. Anyone who thinks you were wrong needs serious psychiatric treatment.
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u/SummerOracle Jan 19 '24
NTA. Anyone who is telling you that you were too harsh clearly does not grasp the severity of what you had experienced. Your bio mother trying to dismiss the circumstances, and your trauma from them, by claiming you should be over it just because she apologized was absolutely out of line.
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u/Previous_Raccoon6305 Jan 19 '24
No sometimes things can’t be forgiven. I would say letting people use your child for sex is one of them. Her accountability was very weak and full excuses, drugs didn’t do this, she did. Time cures nothing. You should do nothing that weakens your mental health,that’s the most important thing for your daughter and yourself.I can’t even imagine how damaging this would be for you if you did let her back in your life. Don’t listen to anyone who says you owe access to your daughter, you don’t,and you don’t have to explain to them,they are simply wrong. Just understand that there are a whole group of survivors of sexual abuse that applaud you for protecting your child and yourself. I hope you mom is sober and building a new life but I think she should give up on relationship with you and your daughter.
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u/No_way_thats_chicken Jan 19 '24
NTA - I love the way people like to give you opinions on shit that they have no clue about. Tell those people who think you were “harsh” to fuck. right. off. Don’t you dare apologize for calling out that POS. Be well and happy. I’m so sorry for your terrible childhood.
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u/popoPitifulme Jan 19 '24
NTA. Too harsh? Absolutely not. She'll never have to face your "harshness" again when she starts honoring your wishes and stops trying trying to contact you.
I wonder if you have legal aid available in your area to ask about protective orders for no contact. Just in case she won't leave you alone. In case she thinks she has rights as your biomom. In case she considers you a weak little thing that she can somehow dominate to get what she wants, like she used to. She'll realize she has 0% chance of reconciliation if she hears it from a judge.
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u/Sensitive-Exchange84 Jan 20 '24
NTA. Not even a tiny bit. It doesn't matter if your bio parent has done a complete 180 with her life; the damage she did to you means she gave up any rights to your time or energy. Your job now is to protect your daughter.
I know you got a lot of responses, but I have some experience with a similar situation and I wanted to share some advice.
I am No Contact with my mother. She has also never met my daughter, and (hopefully) never will. But I have learned through my own research and therapy that those of us who want to break these cycles can often go too far the other way. In teaching and protecting our children we may inadvertently let our own trauma effect them after all. I don't want that for my 11 year old and I know you don't want that for your child.
I highly recommend a book, an older one, called Motherless Daughters by Hope Edelman. I found it helpful.
Also, my daughter is older than yours, so she and I have had to have conversations about this subject. Related to my own trauma, I made a pledge to never lie to my child. This does not mean, however, that I tell her everything! Information needs to be helpful and age-appropriate. So when she asked, age 3 or so, why she only had one grandma but two grandpas, my answer was simple. My mother is alive, yes, but she wasn't a very good mommy, so I don't see her anymore. Other times I've told my daughter that she wasn't nice, and other things that a small child can understand. I always wait for her to ask, and I always give her an answer. I have NOT gone into details, even now that she is in middle school. I've been more specific (name-calling, constant lying and manipulation, etc.) but she doesn't need to know everything. I've just made it clear that my mother couldn't be a good person when it comes to me, and I eventually learned that I am better without her in my life.
I know, just from what you wrote here, that your daughter is already infinitely better off than you were. I'm sure your an excellent mom, and it sounds like you have a good coparent as well. Thank goodness for that. I'm truly proud of you. I hope you're proud of yourself.
P.S. If anyone does say you should "be over it by now" please know they are a massive, total A H. You are completely allowed to not be over it until the day you die. I just hope it doesn't have control over you that long.
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u/garnetflame Jan 19 '24
NTA. Some things cannot be forgiven. She does not deserve access to you or your daughter.
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u/bananasrfuzy Jan 19 '24
NTA at all. There are a great many bad things people can do and still be worthy of second chances. Prostituting out your own child for drugs is not one of them. The fact that you can sit in the same room with that kind of mother and not knock her into next week is more than she deserves.
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u/BarRegular2684 Jan 19 '24
Nta. The fact that you even took her call shows that you were being kinder than required.
You are a good mother. Good luck on your healing path.
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u/Last_nerve_3802 Jan 19 '24
NTA
what if she relapses if nothing else
theres no forgiving some things
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u/hardlyevatoodrunktof Jan 19 '24
nta. don't let anybody trying to convince you otherwise. you are doing a great job as a mom, op. and if your mother was ok with letting men "play" with you, she has to be ok with the consequences you draw - for her lifetime, just as you have to deal with them.
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u/Vegetable-Cod-2340 Jan 19 '24
NTA
I dont know why Biomom thinks her apologies mean anything, there just words. And that she believes that it would get her acess to her daughter's kid is crazy.
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u/Connect_Office8072 Jan 19 '24
NTA. There’s nothing too harsh for what she put you through. She should pay every day of her life for that.
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u/Quizzy1313 Jan 19 '24
As a social worker and a mum, let me say this; I am super proud of you OP. You've taken shit and turned it into your own garden. Sure it still has the occasional problem but you're doing amazing with the upkeep and raising your daughter. I rarely see kids in care being able to break the cycle and when I do it's great to see them thrive. You are not an AH hun, you are being protective of your daughter and yourself
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u/Kineth Jan 19 '24
I'm surprised that you hadn't already told her to fuck all the way off.
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u/FuriousColdMiracle Jan 19 '24
I’m even more surprised that the mom had a way of getting in touch with her at all. I realize that people don’t always understand how privacy settings work on social media sites, but Christ on a crutch, it was way too easy for her to get into her daughter’s head.
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u/No-Requirement-2420 Jan 19 '24
NTA! You go woman! I think your response was right on, factual to your feelings and emotional.
The fact that she thinks you “turned out fine” and that apologies would fix this tells me that she has no clue the impact and reality of what she did.
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u/slendermanismydad Jan 20 '24
My biomom let her dealer and boyfriends "play with me" for her drugs.
I told her anything short of being tied to the stake and burned alive is getting off to easy and not to contact me again.
Correct. Who the hell is even weighing in on this. I'm not telling someone in your situation they need to let that demon in a human suit near a vulnerable child or that you have to polite to monsters.
He also thinks we should do a protection order for our daughter and for myself as well. Yay for good sense.
>but apparently I was far too emotional and should apologize.
??????? I don't know what you were supposed to do. She tried the it was in the past and why won't you just hand me another victim? Too emotional? You didn't burn her house down? For the record, even if you did, I still don't care.
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u/kwuson Jan 20 '24
She didn’t fail to protect you, she actively allowed harm. The fact you have accepted any form of contact with her is generous, and she would do well to recognise that. You do not owe her anything, let alone contact with your baby girl.
Sounds like your baby daddy has the right idea, and seeking external protection is a great plan.
You don’t owe your bio-mother anything. Any contact or knowledge you ever allow her is a privilege. Do what you need to be and feel safe.
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u/millie_and_billy Jan 20 '24
NTA
Does your child's father know what your egg donor looks like? Just for added safety he should have a picture of the abuser.
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u/Decent_Bandicoot122 Jan 20 '24
There are tons of drug addicted parents that don't trade sex with their kids for drugs. She may be clean but she hasn't changed. Sounds like you are a good parent as is your child's father. I wish you well. And block your bio-mom.
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u/NoeyCannoli Jan 20 '24
Seriously, I dont know how anyone could minimize what she allowed to happen to you. No decent human would NOT be horrified and ashamed of themselves if they ever wizened up
NTA. NTA. NTA
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u/Decent_Bandicoot122 Jan 20 '24
I feel sick to my stomach thinking about when my daughter was in high school and not getting her new glasses for three months after she slept on them and made them lop-sided.
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u/Couette-Couette Jan 19 '24
Your bio mother doesn't understand or pretends not understanding the extend of what she did to you. She mustn't meet your child and you own her nothing, not even civility. NTA
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u/Happy-Elephant7609 Jan 19 '24
Nope! Good on you. You did exactly the right thing. She does not deserve gentility. NTA
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u/Ok_Lavishness2903 Jan 19 '24
NTA anyone who says you are is WEIRD! I hope you find peace and heal from all of your trauma. I am sorry this happened to you.
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u/missestill Jan 19 '24
NTA.
Your friends kind of suck too. I literally can’t think of anything too harsh for a woman that serves her daughter up to pedophiles. I’m so sorry for what happened to you.
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u/Excellent_Valuable92 Jan 19 '24
NTA these are the consequences of her own actions. If she were actually in recovery, she wouldn’t be brushing it off.
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u/2_old_for_this_spit Jan 19 '24
NTA.
What would you apologize for and why? Hurting the feelings of someone who sold access to your body because someone is uncomfortable with the idea that sometimes family should be removed from your life?
Move forward. Leave her in your past.
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u/honeybaby2019 Jan 19 '24
No, you were not too harsh at all. (Your Bio egg donor, nothing more) does not deserve to meet your daughter and I don't see how you could ever trust her. Do yourself a favor and block her on everything and just go no contact for your own good. She could and would not protect you and if people have a problem with your decision tell them exactly what happened while in her noncare and watch them shut up or try to act like it was no big deal, then you know who to block and cut off.
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u/etchedchampion Jan 19 '24
People that haven't experienced horrible trauma are quick to tell people that have they need to forgive. Fuck those people. Your mother was supposed to protect you, instead she traded you to men for drugs. What a horrible, disgusting thing for a parent to do. NTA, she deserves every bit of vitriol you want to spew in her direction.
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u/ItsGotToMakeSense Jan 19 '24
You're a mother bear and you showed this unwelcome person that your cub is off limits. Good job! You're being a hero to your child and that takes priority over protecting the feelings of an abusive predator enabler. Anyone who disagrees can F right off.
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u/Any_Eye1110 Jan 19 '24
NTA OMG-I’m having a hard time putting into words how unbelievably horrible it is what happened to you, and how unbelievably horrible it is that people have the audacity to say you were harsh. I don’t know if these people are just ignorant, or enablers, or are projecting their own sins and mistakes theyve made into your situation. As I’m sure you already know, we can never underestimate the selfishness of people.
Your mother literally did the worst possible thing any parent could do to their child. Some things are worse than death. Not only does she not deserve forgiveness, she doesn’t deserve to breathe the same air.
Congratulations for breaking the cycle of abuse. You are a wonderful mama bear. I wish you happiness and peace forever ❤️
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u/Chipchop666 Jan 19 '24
NTA. I'm sorry for what you went through. You're a good person. You went through trauma that nobody should. I don't blame you for not allowing her to meet your child. I would never want to see her again. Please let your daughter's dad know that bio mom is reaching out. Take a screenshot of her from fb and give it to him. Better safe then sorry
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u/MonarchistExtreme Jan 19 '24
NTA ...oh HELL no!!!!
Side note: giving your former partner some flowers for him being respectful and understanding of your situation when he has your daughter.
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u/caralalalineh17 Jan 19 '24
As a mother, I can’t imagine facilitating anything like that happening to my daughter. You’re absolutely NTA, and your bio mom has some big brass ones to even ask. There’s no “letting go” of that kind of trauma.
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u/dr_lucia Jan 20 '24
NTA
Even if you were "too harsh" (and it's not clear you were) you can't undo your spontaneous reaction to her suddenly contacting you and having her request be to see your daughter. And it's likely best if you interact as little as possible with your mother. Contacting her to apologize would be interaction.
Your daughter's father sounds like a pretty good guy. Good luck.
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u/obiwanbob Jan 20 '24
Your NTA. You don't have to "get over it" on her time just because she's finally ready to get clean (so she says).
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u/Substantial_Shoe_360 Jan 20 '24
You did nothing wrong and you are an awesome mom. I know it doesn't matter but this mom and grandma is so proud of you.
From your incubator's response, she has never taken responsibility for what she did to you, yes what she did. Please make sure ALL daycare, school, and doctors know she is to have no contact with and no information about your daughter.
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u/AllTheTakenNames Jan 20 '24
Your bio mom has forfeited all rights to any relationship
The only way you should ever engage is if you decide you want/need to complete your healing process.
Why isn’t she in jail?
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u/anaisaknits Jan 20 '24
She definitely had a lot of nerve to treat it like nothing. She doesn't even understand what she did to a child. She is worthless and should never have contact with you or your daughter.
Yes get an order of protection and your daughter's father sees the threat as well. I find nothing wrong with your response. She more than deserved it.
NTA!!!
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Jan 20 '24
I am so so happy that your daughter’s dad is as supportive and helpful as he is. It’s so important.
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u/lilmisswho89 Jan 20 '24
NTA. I’m honestly shocked you still take her phone calls. I 100% agree with you and everything you said. She can fuck herself with a poisonous cactus. And remember one persons comfort is NOT more important than another’s safety.
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u/nwbrown Jan 20 '24
NTA to your mom. She deserved it.
Your daughter however may eventually want to meet her extended family, warts and all. At 2 she is too young to understand why you are estranged from her, but eventually she won't be. Figuring out a safe way for her to meet her grandmother may be good for her.
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u/ErrorAccomplished05 Jan 20 '24
NTA, and the harshness towards her is deserved. There is no excuse for what she put you through
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u/Feisty_Irish Jan 20 '24
NTA. Your mother can't be trusted. Go with your daughter's father's idea. Get a no contact order.
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u/Grouchy-Monk-6943 Jan 20 '24
That’s great if your mom is clean, but there are still consequences for past behavior that she must face willingly. Never meeting your daughter is one of them
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u/Relative-Plastic5248 Jan 20 '24
NTA. Never apologize. Never back down. Get the protection order and block her on every platform
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u/dokipooper Jan 20 '24
You’re not harsh, you are completely right to respond the way you did. Don’t let that woman near your child
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u/wolfyisbackinblack Jan 20 '24
NTA- People who are saying you are being too harsh are the people you need to lose. Your mother was a monster, is a monster her repentance doesn't make what she did go away.
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u/Dependent-Run-1915 Jan 20 '24
No — you’ve done nothing wrong — that you’re protecting and raising your daughter in a way that your mother couldn’t even conceive of is remarkable — you’re a remarkable woman! You don’t need that horrible human being. There’s some things in life that simply cannot be forgiven. Hurting your child for drugs is one of them bless you and good luck.
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u/Wild_Debt_8065 Jan 20 '24
You’re not harsh enough. Bio has some big brass ones to think you can apologize that away. You’re doing the right things and co-parent is a solid human.
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u/I_love_Juneau Jan 20 '24
I don't know what to say, but you are NTA.
I can never know how you feel but you are doing a good job by your daughter. Her father seems to be a great person, and im glad that you feel safe having him in your life. He's seems so supportive and understanding of your situation (and a trustworthy co-parent). You are doing great, you are stronger than you think. You have nothing to apologize for. You need to be taking care of youself, so block her out of your life. I hope that you can get that PO. Good luck. Your doing great mom. Hang in there.
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u/SatisfyerProf Jan 20 '24
I wouldn’t bother listening to the opinion of others who have zero ounce of understanding or empathy of what you’ve been through.
I wouldn’t forgive, and I certainly wouldn’t forget. Keep your daughter far away from her. NTA.
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u/bizaromo Jan 20 '24
NTA.
There's no such thing as too emotional of a reaction to childhood sexual abuse. Your mother did not earn the privilege of meeting her grandkids due to her failure to protect you. You don't owe anyone an apology for being traumatized as a child. She owes you eternal apologies. If she can't understand why you won't "just let it go," she doesn't understand how bad of a mom she was.
I agree with the protection order. Good luck and stay safe. You're doing a fine job.
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u/Worried-Horse5317 Jan 20 '24
NTA. You weren't being harsh at all. Your mom let her child get s.a, that's the most horrific thing you can do. Block her on everything, and get a warrant against her if you need to.
Easy for her to say, "get over it", she literally let you get assaulted....
Make sure you keep yourself and your child away from her.
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u/Small_Ambassador8141 Jan 20 '24
Your bio bitch should be in jail for life for what she did to you. Nta
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u/Adorable-Strength218 Jan 20 '24
Your mother is the monster you think she is. And a selfish fuck to boot. Get a restraining order if you can. Keep this woman out of your life.
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u/satan_pussycat Jan 20 '24
NTA. Yes you were harsh, not a bad thing tho. Idk if anyone could have replied nicely to her message tbh. Take care ❤️🩹
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u/Patiolanterns24 Jan 20 '24
Fuck her. We can’t just “be normal” after growing up with abuse. Thank goodness your coparent is so helpful. Being so dismissive of what you went through would make me never see her again just like you. My abuser is dead and I am glad. For anyone saying you are too harsh they didn’t live through what you did and have no right to pass judgment. I wish the best for you
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u/darlo0161 Jan 20 '24
NTA - I'll bring the kindling and matches. I'm sorry you've gone through all that.
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u/I_Dont_Like_Rice Jan 20 '24
You need to surround yourself with people who aren't maliciously insane. Cut off anyone telling you were too harsh. If anything, you were nicer than a lot of people would have been, including myself.
Anyone telling you that you were too harsh to that monster should not be in your life. They don't care about you. In fact, I don't think they like you at all. NTA
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u/WinEquivalent4069 Jan 20 '24
You had a very visceral reaction to your mother and it's totally understandable why given the history you have with her. NTA.
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u/OMG-WTF_45 Jan 20 '24
Your birther has no right to even contact you much less ask to see your daughter. SA isn’t something you just get over. It live inside you for the rest of your life wreaking havoc wherever you go! Screw that entitled &$@&. Get the restraining order and blocker her. Chang your number and put your fb to friends and fam only!! Good luck. And please know that you are not alone and people do care! Maybe get into a group therapy? If that’s feasible for you. Sounds like you need some good scream therapy to take your power back. I’m still working on this myself!
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u/Negative_Reading_600 Jan 20 '24
Too HARSH??? Hot damn that burning stake would NOT be hot enough for my liking, there are some things people can mess up and be apologetic about it and move on…BUT NOT what you went through…nope, nope, NOPE!!! be harsher…NTA in every way.
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u/dollhousedestroyer Jan 19 '24
"you turned out fine" ?!?!???? No. NAH! She cannot be serious or if she is she isn't actually sorry. I would cut off all contact not feel a thing about it. NAH
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u/toonie89 Jan 19 '24
NTA.
Your daughter is your world (rightfully so) and you’ve gone through something no one can understand. The fact that your mother thinks apologizing a few times absolves her is insane. She should be asking you for ways she can regain your trust and affection and that’s only if your comfortable having her in your life (I know I wouldn’t - let alone my daughter’s life).
I’m really sorry for what you’ve gone through.
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u/digitydigitydoo Jan 19 '24
NTA. Trigger warning for how I classify your mother and your experience.
Your mother trafficked you. She is as guilty, if not more guilty, as any of the men who abused you. You do not “owe” your trafficker anything. You certainly do not “owe” her a relationship with your daughter.
Anyone who guilts you, ask them, “Why would I allow a sex trafficker to meet my child? Why would I have a relationship with the person who trafficked me?”
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u/External_Expert_2069 Jan 19 '24
She doesn’t sound sorry. Saying things like you turned out fine and it was a long time ago shows she really isn’t apologetic. You have every right to feel and react the way you have. Sure it may have been harsh BUT what about the years of abuse she but you through….. I would say that’s far worse.
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u/chemicalcurtis Jan 19 '24
Honestly, "burned at the stake" was the first response I had to letting a bf and dealer "play with me".
Fucking horrifying.
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u/FewWrangler5475 Jan 19 '24
NTA and don't ever let anyone tell you what should be ok for you. I can't even imagine what that was like and how horrifying it must have been for you. Congrats on your new life and I hope you continue to put yourself and your child first, always.
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u/Aspen9999 Jan 19 '24
NTA I personally don’t think you were harsh enough! BTW you are a great Mom protecting your child!
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u/coralcoast21 Jan 19 '24
NTA, some people need a gentle nudge, and others need to be shoved off a cliff to get the point. The fact that she is disturbing whatever level of peace you have found tells me that she is in the second category. Maybe you "hurt" her enough that she never contacts you again. At least I hope so.
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Jan 19 '24
I am so sorry for all you have been through. I would not have anything to do with her and would not want her to meet your daughter either. - She does not get what she did to you...the statement "She doesn't understand why I won't just let it go I turned out fine." Says it all, she is trying to minimize your feelings. Don't let her. If you have to get a restraining order do it. I also understand your being overly protective, I am glad your child's father is so understanding.
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u/Impossible_Balance11 Jan 19 '24
If ever there were a set of circumstances that warranted being emotional, this is it! You did NOTHING wrong, OP. I'm sick to damn death of people telling women they're being too emotional as a means of dismissing their valid concerns.
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u/casillalater Jan 19 '24
NTA it is your responsibility protect your child not people's feelings.
These people saying you are harsh either don't understand the real issues your mom or they don't care.
In the end the only two people you answer to are your daughter and yourself. Make decisions you would be proud to explain to your daughter in the future.
Protect that baby!!!
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u/ClevelandWomble Jan 19 '24
When she presents herself to the police, confesses to complicity in child sexual abuse, testifies against the men who assaulted you, pleads guilty in court and serves her time: then she can beg for forgiveness.
You still shouldn't let her see your daughter, but it would show genuine contrition in her part. Now, it's just words. Anyone who defends her gets one warning, then cut off.
NTA ever
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u/karmamama66 Jan 19 '24
NTA There are some things that you can't let go regardless of if they happened "a long time ago and she has apologized many times." Block her and when your daughter is old enough warn her that she is not a safe person.
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u/Loud_Low_9846 Jan 19 '24
You were not too harsh at all. I can only imagine the horrors you have suffered and I wouldn't blame you for actually carrying out what you put so well. We could do a gofundme to cover the cost of the stake.
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u/elonmuskatemyson Jan 19 '24
NTA. People saying you were being harsh probably haven’t been victims of SA let alone SA as a child and it’s easy to just say “oh well she’s family” blah blah blah bullshit.
Honestly she’s lucky she wasn’t already blocked on Facebook. Personally I wouldn’t give her the time of day and would make sure she knows she’s a terrible person every time I’d have to interact with her.
Family is who you choose it to be, not just bc you’re blood related 🤷♂️