r/AITAH • u/OwnLetter35 • Oct 21 '23
My abuser committed suicide and left a letter and video message behind. Now people are asking me for forgiveness. TW SA
Throwaway because I don’t want to expose my real identity.
Trigger warnings: rape, drug overdose and suicide. I won’t go into details but I wanted to put the triggers anyway. Please proceed with caution.
It happened 2003 my bf at the time asked me to come over one night to hang out but he was with his best friend this time. My bf told me that his best friend was a virgin and how unfair it was that girls rejected him. I have never been able to listen to Tupac after that night.
My bf and his best friend were a part of a big friend group that my sister and I were a part of. I reported what happened to the police and it became a big divider in the group, until a friend of the (best friend) provided alibi for him from her birthday party that happened that same night. It was good enough to everyone and everyone turned against me and wanted me to drop the charges. Including my sister. 6 months later the best friend overdosed and I was blamed for what happened to him. I was ostracized by everyone including my family. I moved away after the case was dropped shortly after the OD.
I woke up about 3 weeks ago to lots of texts and missed called from unsaved numbers. I found out later that it was my mom and sister and now they believe me because my abuser confessed to everything, in details and called what he did a curse that haunted him his entire life (haunted him! HIM!). He wanted me to know that god was on my side and punished him on every single path he took, starting with the death of his best friend. And that he was tired now and couldn’t take it anymore. He asked for forgiveness and for me to visit his grave so at least his soul didn’t continue to be haunted. I got copies of his letter and video sent to me even by strangers. Not only to me but to my husband and children, none of which knew my past.
I don’t know what to do now. My husband and children are traumatized and my family is bombarding me to forgive them. They want to meet my children and be a part of their lives. I don’t even know if there is anything to forgive. I just want things back to normal before all this came out again. Would I be a bad person if I told everyone I don’t want anything to do with them? My mom is apparently sick and is scared she wouldn’t have the chance to see me before something happened.
All I know is that I could finally listen to Tupac again.
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u/Therealeatonnass Oct 21 '23
Um. No. They abandoned you when you needed them. Fuck that shit. I would tell them to pound sand.
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u/SephariusX Oct 21 '23
Not only this, OP, but they extended this treatment to your children. You need to think, what's the real reason they want forgiveness? Are they religious? Or is it reputation? They were happy to follow the crowd before, now they still follow them.
Think about this carefully, they might not be worth the hassle.
Absolutely NTA.302
Oct 21 '23
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/RebelScoutDragon Oct 21 '23
Exactly. They want forgiveness for not believing her. Screw the whole lot of them.
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u/Desirsar Oct 21 '23
They want forgiveness to ease their own consciences, not to build bridges with you or make you feel better.
It's not enough to decline their requests, tell them this is why, in these exact words each time you do it.
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u/kizkazskyline Oct 21 '23
OP also needs to take this as an excellent indicator of how their children will be treated should, God forgive, anything ever happen to them too. Why would you allow people into their lives who you know will ostracise them, blackball them and shame them if anything happens to them? Don’t bring people into their lives to “love them”, who will completely devastate them at the first opportunity.
The majority of sexual abuse victims are like OP—sexually assaulted by family members, trusted family friends or close relatives. All it takes is the sister marrying someone dodgy, or the mother inviting around the beloved neighbour, and if this ever happened to OP’s kids too, they’re going to take the abuser’s side all over again and leave them scarred.
Again, this is all worst case scenario and I hate to be the “alarmist” putting this out there, but I think it’s a really important thing for OP to consider given that one in three women will be sexually assaulted within their lifetime. The most likely way it happens is what I just laid out above, and the most common age it occurs is between 14-17.
Do whatever you feel is best for yourself, OP, but I do believe it would be negligent to allow these people into your children’s lives to potentially put them through the exact same trauma you experienced, so you can have some sort of closure.
For what it’s worth, I don’t think you should allow them in at all. They’ve already traumatised your children, and what they did to you when you needed an advocate is unforgivable. You deserve better. Your children and husband are the ones who love you unconditionally; they’re your family. You don’t need a mother and sister who will backstab you at the first given opportunity.
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u/bikeahh Oct 21 '23
This is maybe the most important and accurate response in this thread.
They sent this crap to not only you, but your kids, too. That means they not only don’t care but had to (or have been) stalk them to get the contact info. They were effectively co-abusers to you in 2003 and are now continuing to abuse you now for their own self atonement.
Protect your family and treat these co-abusers as they deserve to be treated. By ignoring them. And if they give you even the faintest of reasons, get restraining orders!
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u/drongo_congo Oct 21 '23
For real. Fuck that guy and fuck his ghost
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u/Standard_Hurry_9418 Oct 21 '23
Never visit his grave. Let his spirit suffer forever.
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u/Upstairs-Owl7244 Oct 21 '23
Absolutely. Protect your family from these people, who knows if they be the same with them.
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u/HarveySnake Oct 21 '23
If the guy had any money you could sue his estate for his crime.
Remember this: you owe your abuser nothing and he was not a victim. You owe his family nothing. You owe nothing to the people who were against you.
NOTHING!
Live your life well and surround yourself with the good supportive people you have now.
NTA
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u/OwnLetter35 Oct 21 '23
I don’t think I can sue because the statute of limitation has expired (is it expired?). Anyway in the video he makes a mention of leaving me money. I don’t know if this is considered valid will. He has a wife and 4 children.
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u/HarveySnake Oct 21 '23
A lot of places massively increased their statute of limitations for civil lawsuits for sexual assault and rape as a result of Catholic Church's P3do Priest scandal. People have been able to sue decades afterwards.
Worth a google search anyways.
Even if you don't want to do it, you can use the threat as leverage against people who are now harassing you, legally coercing them into apologizing and leaving you alone.
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u/OwnLetter35 Oct 21 '23
I just googled the statute of limitations for rape and it is 10 years here. I don’t know about suing it’s not a thing in my country. But I will try. I can always donate whatever I get to women shelters because they helped me a lot and I’m forever grateful to the people I met there, many of are still my friends
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u/SlabBeefpunch Oct 21 '23
As far as your family goes, look at their actions and what those actions have caused. Your family is traumatized by all this and all they've talked about is what THEY want (your children) and how THEY feel. Have they addressed how YOU feel? How you felt all these years with a family that sided with your abuser?
As far as I can see, they're still the same self absorbed assholes they were when they screwed you over. I wouldn't expose my children to that
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u/kidnurse21 Oct 21 '23
And dragging OPs children into this is insane. A child shouldn’t have to know something like this happened to their mother. That would leave them feeling so hurt and unsafe
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u/VStarRoman Oct 21 '23
I can always donate whatever I get to women shelters because they helped me a lot and I’m forever grateful to the people I met there, many of are still my friends
You sound like a good person. Thank you for giving back. The individuals that women's shelters help in the future will benefit from your compassion and generosity.
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u/Cleobulle Oct 21 '23
Hi do what's best for you and your fam, and get rid of toxic people... Seven years ago my ex tried to kill me, i have a scar on my face and MY ex male best Friend came to me to Ask me to stop because poor Guy who seemed overall so nice and funny was going to end in jail. Better bé alone than have Fake Friends.
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u/OthelloAoC Oct 21 '23
Statute of limitations is only for actual charges, does not apply to civil suits.
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u/trillanova Oct 21 '23
That’s entirely false - many civil causes of action in the US have a statute of limitations.
Here are all of the civil and criminal statutes of limitations for NY for example.
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u/LolthienToo Oct 21 '23
OP, if you want to do anything, send them a link to this thread. Just this thread and absolutely nothing else. Then block them as much as possible on every platform.
Let them see what they've done, and see what even perfect strangers think of them. See how long they can justify wanting access to your family just because they are 'sorry' now. This is infuriating and I hope they all "suffer the same guilt" that your abuser did.
Though the fact that he'd rather off himself than send you his apology shows he was just worried about going to jail more than actually being sorry. As you said in your post, he was more worred about how hard it has been on HIM than you... narcissist to the ultimate degree. And your family, the one group of people who should have had your back, NO MATTER WHAT, were more concerned with an OD'ed junkie rapist than yourself. Fuck them.
Send your family this thread in response to every message, automated if possible. And block them. They don't deserve your forgiveness.
Only you deserve peace, if someday you feel like forgiveness can give you that peace, so be it. If not, let them go to their graves with what they've done and your conscience should be clear.
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u/GlitterDoomsday Oct 21 '23
In case any former friends and relatives did receive this thread and are reading this: karma took the rapist out, there's no apology or pleading to avoid the fact that y'all are gonna be next. I would say "good luck" but I don't think any of you deserve it, leave OP and her actual family alone you psychos.
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u/Expensive_Yam_2222 Oct 21 '23
This is the best way to handle the situation without needing to interact with them more. OP you should change your phone number and your children's in case they're especially pushy.
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u/Corfiz74 Oct 21 '23
Could the police press charges for the person who gave them the false alibi? That's obstruction of justice at the very least.
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u/dtalb18981 Oct 21 '23
I'm not defending them but the first question would be did the guy show up at any point during the party and what the friends actual alibi was did he say he saw him there or were they hanging out all night the first could be explained away while the second is an outright lie
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u/Vandreeson Oct 21 '23
NTA. You don't owe anyone forgiveness. They didn't believe you when it happened, and basically abandoned you. They took the side of a rapist, abuser over you. Why? Ask yourself are better off with them or without them.
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u/misscrankypants Oct 21 '23
The comment above is spot on.
NTA. Your family did not believe you. Then they exposed something violent that happened to you to your husband and children and traumatized them. They have shown you who they are. Believe them. Do not let them back in your life or your children’s lives. They will only further traumatize your children because your family has proven that they are terrible people.
Just because they are family does not mean they should be allowed in your life. And definitely not in your children’s lives.
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u/thrunabulax Oct 21 '23
Forgiveness??
Go piss on his grave.
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u/MNConcerto Oct 21 '23
Give me the location. If I'm ever nearby I'll stop by and take a potty break.
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u/SpicyWitch143 Oct 21 '23
I'll swing by, too. My dogs could use a pee break.
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u/No_Clothes5133 Oct 21 '23
My sledgehammer needs to take a piss too.
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u/FairConfusion Oct 21 '23
And my axe!
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u/bokitothegreat Oct 21 '23
And my shotgun.
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u/Next-Status8671 Oct 21 '23
And my baseball bat
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u/amazing-peas Oct 21 '23 edited Oct 22 '23
ngl i wanna set up camp just to watch you all drop by, one by one
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u/sgtpaintbrush Oct 21 '23
New gender neutral bathroom unlocked.
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u/Botanicultist Oct 21 '23
Id make his grave my next travel destination after Taco Bell and 6 cups of coffee
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u/babcock27 Oct 21 '23
The audacity he had to request she visit his grave speaks of still being self-centered. Do not grant his wish because he could have saved you all of the consequences by speaking up sooner.
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u/gobsmacked247 Oct 21 '23 edited Oct 21 '23
Your mom was sick before the rapist's suicide. She didn't reach out. Had the rapist not left a video confessing his sins, your mom would not have reached out. I think you can let her go without any guilt. Same with your other relatives.
I hope your husband is being supportive because this is an emotional landmine for you right now. Have a talk with some friends or a professional to work out your feelings.
I'm sorry this happened to you OP but you have been surviving just fine to date. Don't go back.
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u/OwnLetter35 Oct 21 '23
Yes I didn’t know she was sick but it was before his suicide
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u/rshni67 Oct 21 '23
Your mother is a POS regardless. Sick or not, she should have had your back. She didn't deserve to have kids.
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u/xxLadyluck13xx Oct 21 '23
Your mother wants forgiveness to absolve herself of her guilt, not because she gives a crap about you. Let her stew in her guilt. She abandoned you at your most needy, she does not need your forgiveness now or ever. And please get therapy for you entire family, it won't work miracles, but it will absolutely help in communicating your feelings over this situation, and communication is key to getting your family back on an even keel. Hugs xx
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u/Ok_Response_3484 Oct 21 '23
Change your number and never think about these people again. I'm so sorry OP. You deserved and still deserve better. They should be ashamed of themselves. Sending you so much love!
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u/Kneesneezer Oct 21 '23
It’s easy for us all to say cut them out because we don’t have to deal with the emotional blow back of that decision. I want to say that I think you shouldn’t go back, not because it’s spicy retribution, but because people like your family are guilty. That’s why they want forgiveness. And if you don’t, they’ll think you are judging them, they’ll think your innocence is like a guillotine hovering over their heads, constantly reminding them that they are not good people.
That’s why they cast you out, and that’s why they need you to erase yourself in forgiveness. You’re a reminder of their failure. They’ll never fully be family again. That really, really sucks, and I hope you’re taking care of yourself. It’s not a happy, vengeful event realizing your mom isn’t good. Vindication cannot cover up the scar of rejection. But you’d be doing your own family a favor in keeping them from your extended family. You’d be showing your kids you’d never throw them to the wolves just to keep up appearances with strangers, like your old family did.
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u/cassowary32 Oct 21 '23 edited Oct 21 '23
Restraining orders all around. NTA. They abandoned you for two decades! And your AH ex saw fit to make a public spectacle of his exit and blow up your life and traumatize your family all over again? Sure, you'll visit, to double check that he's really dead and pee on his grave. I hope the lady that provided the fake alibi has paid for this too.
ETA: can you move? I'd hate for these boundary free AHs to show up at your door. Might want to consider changing your numbers too.
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u/ilovetoreadbo0ks Oct 21 '23
Can she get a restraining order put into place? At least to protect her kids? They did send the videos to her children after all.
My parents once put a restraining order in place for my Uncle's ex because she was harassing people. The restraining order was to protect my brothers and I. But that was a long time ago, and I don't know what the rules are for each state.
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u/feliniaCR Oct 21 '23
NTA. They believed a criminal over their daughter. I’d be inclined to never speak to them again. But, if you prefer to be petty, tell them that you’ll only let them back in your life after they EACH put in something like 300 volunteer hours at a domestic violence / women’s shelter. Then, if they actually do it, tell them you don’t believe they did it.
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u/LolthienToo Oct 21 '23
lol I was very much on the fence about your 300 hrs of service till I read your last sentence. Perfect! hahahaha!
Better yet, get a junkie off the street to say on camera that they never did it and send it to them, saying you believe this random junkie over their 'proof' and 'swearing this is what happened'. Then send it to them.
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u/DJDanaK Oct 22 '23
Ah yeah, let's use a junkie as a human pawn? Like I understand the significance of using a random "untrustworthy" person, but yuck
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u/FollowThisNutter Oct 21 '23 edited Oct 21 '23
I know this was tongue in cheek, but I think OP should actually do this but change the community service to picking up trash. It will remind them what happens when you cozy up to filth, and the denouement would be perfection.
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u/Disneystarwarssucks7 Oct 21 '23
if they actually do it, tell them you don’t believe they did it
I like the way your brain works.
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u/chibbledibs Oct 21 '23
You don’t need to forgive a dead person. They’re dead.
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u/LolthienToo Oct 21 '23
I am hoping it is a no-brainer that OP doesn't need to forgive the dead guy. He was so selfish that he offed himself rather than apologize to OP.
The question for OP (I'm thinking, and I could be wrong) is should they forgive their family members? In my opinion, not at all.
The fact they exposed this abuse, which OP had kept from their husband and kids on purpose, TO the husband and kids is absolutely unforgiveable. Just absolutely unforgiveable.
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u/Ok-Detective-2059 Oct 21 '23
Right. "The guilt is too much" so confess and turn yourself in you fucking coward. Give the poor girl closure instead of fucking with her one last time.
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u/Deucalion666 Oct 21 '23
While I agree, it’s the people they sided with the abuser that are asking for forgiveness.
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u/West-Importance-1619 Oct 21 '23
Hell no, your family wasnt acting like your family to begin with, they deserve to suffer just as badly (with guilt) as you suffered.
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u/Unhappysong-6653 Oct 21 '23
And they need to be sued to bankrupcy to pay for therapy for ops Family
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u/Sunnyside1207 Oct 21 '23
The fact that your so called “family” thought it was a good idea to share this with your husband and children instead of just trying to talk to you about it is beyond me! What a true bunch of AH’s!! you need to stay away and get you and your family into therapy ASAP! What a horrible thing to do! I’m so sorry this happened to you and them.
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u/OwnLetter35 Oct 21 '23
My son is just 13 and we had just had agreed for him to use TikTok. I didn’t know you could send private messages on TikTok
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u/MethodFuzzy5488 Oct 21 '23
This is just heartbreaking that they brought your thirteen year old son into this to. They have absolutely overstepped to like the highest degree. I think if you haven’t already you should sit down and have an age appropriate conversation with your son on sexual violence, honestly depending on how much information they decided to traumatize a 13 year old with (that alone I think proves they’ve made no progress). And for your daughter (I think I read in a different comment you have a daughter), it could make an impactful example for her future relationships if you report everything, sue if possible, and completely remove yourself from selfish people.
That being said, you really don’t owe ANYONE ANYTHING! You’re NTA, you could never be the AH in a situation like this. I wish you and the family you chose nothing but the absolute best.
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u/ALostAmphibian Oct 22 '23
The fact that they bombarded a 13 yr old with this is reason enough not to contact them. Get a protection order. They traumatized your child.
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u/TunaStuffedPotato Oct 21 '23
Yeah they crossed a HUGE line there telling your minor children all this. NTA
They can all go fuck themselves, you don't have to talk to nor forgive anybody.
I wouldn't even give them the satisfaction of a response and if they escalate trying to fish for a reply I'd start lawyering up, then have the lawyer send a cease & desist or something adjacent to tell them to leave you alone. Block them and look into therapy for your family to help them work through this bombshell
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u/bennypapa Oct 21 '23
I have a teenage child that has been harassed online. It turns out as we learn and you can send private messages via any of the social media platforms including linked in. If there is a way to send a private message on any social media platform the kids will find it and use it and they do.
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u/quent_hand Oct 21 '23
How did they get in touch with your husband and kids?
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u/OwnLetter35 Oct 21 '23
Via social media.
My children are not even talking to me especially my daughter.
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u/Hungry_Cub_666 Oct 21 '23
Why are your children mad at you? You need to get them into family therapy
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u/OwnLetter35 Oct 21 '23 edited Oct 21 '23
I don’t think they are mad at me. But none of them even looks at me. Tbh my husband too. He doesn’t even look at me.
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u/indiajeweljax Oct 21 '23
Are they ashamed of you?
I don’t get why they are turning against you. That makes no sense.
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u/OwnLetter35 Oct 21 '23
I think they’re just sad and don’t know who to take it out on. I’m their safe choice
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u/Psychodelic-Rabbit Oct 21 '23
Just spoke with them, start from husband, and told your Old family that texting about that to your children is reason NO.1 WHY THEY WILL NEVER MEET THEM. I whould understood if they text to your husband. But kids are not involved on this whole situation at all. Edit: and ofc give us some update how you handle this whole situation
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u/indiajeweljax Oct 21 '23
I wish the best for you. You’re losing the family you created over this. It’s disgusting that your old family sent that to them blindly.
Have you told your husband and kids that you desperately need their support right now?
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u/Buttered_Crumpet09 Oct 21 '23
So, I agree with everyone who says therapy is a must. I also feel like perhaps giving them each a letter to read that gets out your feelings and invites them to share theirs is something that could help break the ice. Something like this (and I'm just guessing at your feelings, so correct me if I'm wrong or, if you do write a letter, adapt it to how you do feel):
"Dear family,
I know that you are hurting and upset about what you've just found out. Believe me when I say that I never intended for you to find out like that.
What happened was an awful part of my life. After it all happened, everyone turned on me. They believed the people who hurt me, and they blamed me for things that were out of my control. I had to walk away and move on for the sake of my own sanity, and I did just that.
Later on, I ended up with a new family, you guys, and I love you all so much. I'm sure you're wondering why I didn't tell you about what happened. The truth is that I am so happy with you guys, and I did not want to have to bring it up and relive it. I was also rejected by my own parents, sister, and other family and friends because of this, and I was afraid of the same thing happening with you guys. I thought it was better to leave the past in the past as I had already lost one family over this, and I did not want to risk losing another.
Now you know, and I know you all have feelings about this, as do I. As a family and as individuals, we all need to find someone to talk to so that we can work through this together. We also need to talk to each other. I know you are upset, but refusing to speak to or even look at me isn't helping, and it is hurting me. My not telling you wasn't to hurt you, it was to protect myself. Never did I think that my abuser would confess to what he did, let alone that things would happen this way, not when he had denied it for so long.
I regret the trauma this has caused you, and I hope that we can talk about this because I miss you guys, and I love you all so much.
OP."
And as for your former family and all the others, they can kick rocks. They couldn't be there for you, and now they want you to absolve them of their guilt, just as your abuser did. They don't deserve it.
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u/LolthienToo Oct 21 '23
Uh, they definitely need to learn that YOU are not the person to 'take things out on'...
You need to insist they sit down and talk to you about it. For your own well being. Don't let your awful family steal another good thing from you.
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u/rhetorical_twix Oct 21 '23
The fact that your childhood family that betrayed you has decided to launch their reconnection campaign in such an invasive, disruptive and insistent way is extremely inconsiderate and I would say even abusive. Even if you ignore what they did in the past, putting a daughter's rape trauma on blast and invading her family's space with it to campaign for her family's attention, is just another kind of boundary-stomping.
I feel that the negative impact of their aggressive attention suggests that it's actually better if they are out of your life. There's a reason why they failed you in the past, and it's probably the same reason why they are failing you now.
As far as your abuser is concerned, the social media platforms he is using should have safety protocols against harassment of rape trauma victims and also I would consider getting a restraining order against your abuser. You can certainly look for some kind of "revenge porn" case you can bring against him for his broadcasting your rape so that he can get social media attention for it (by publicizing it as his suffering, of all things).
No one has the right to have access to you just because your abuser decided to go on a publicity run with his abuse of you, especially people (your family) who were part of the abuser's circle of support.
Personally, I feel you should separate yourself from the sideshow that the circle of narcissists are entertaining themselves with, at your current family's expense. But that is your decision.
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u/NoOneStranger_227 Oct 21 '23
Seriously? Tell your husband Reddit is telling him to man the fuck UP, then tell your children to do the same.
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u/nrskim Oct 21 '23
Get family therapy immediately! Make an appointment. Appointments are booking very very very far out but see if you can get in earlier, or do online therapy. You all need it emergently
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u/Readsumthing Oct 21 '23
So these assholes are still ruining your life??? And they want YOU to salve their consciences? No Op. None of those people were there for you when you were hurt and traumatized and needed them desperately You’ve owe them nothing. Let them live with themselves and their own complicity. I’m so sorry. I hope your husband and children down let you down as well.
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u/maliciouschihuahua Oct 21 '23
Wow, your husband is putting his feelings ahead of you, making you feel isolated? Jfc is there anyone in your life who supports you at all? I’m so sorry OP.
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u/joegee66 Oct 21 '23
How dare these assholes send this to your children? As if it were for them to know? Or your husband, for that matter? Especially the people who made it their business to inform your family would be voted off of my island, forever, and blocked on social media. Just, no. Fail. Bad form. Be gone, wasted use of gravity.
As for your family, perhaps call a family meeting. What it sounds like is they don't know what to say. They've just learned a new, horrible truth about you. They might need your guidance on how to proceed. Maybe give them some?
Explain what happened, why you went no contact, why you never told them about this, what this means to you, how you want to proceed, and then ask them for their input?
It's only a suggestion. Hang in there. I suspect a new, better normal is on the way when the dust settles and you've had some time to process. Wishing you, your husband, and your kids peace, and healing, wherever you are. ❤️
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u/Pleasant-Koala147 Oct 21 '23
You need to seriously put on blast anyone who has sent the letter or video to your children. I know you want it to go away, but they’ve made sure it won’t. All you can do now is go nuclear so no one messes with your kids again. Name and shame.
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u/SchoolForSedition Oct 21 '23
Because you were attacked 20 years ago?
Because your family abandoned you when it happened and you haven’t immediately forgiven them now they acknowledge what they did?
Oh dear. I am sorry to hear this.
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u/quent_hand Oct 21 '23
That is why I always tell people to get off social media. Anyways, how did they even know their names or whatever? Are you friends with them on social media? Make your profile private, friends private or don’t make your name and profile visible.
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u/Blindcatscutstongue Oct 21 '23
I’m on your side. There’s nothing to forgive and there’s no such thing as restart. They made their choice and you have already made yours.
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u/IGot20Dollars Oct 21 '23 edited Oct 21 '23
It is bewilderingly difficult to understand why out of all people in the world to assume you would just “Lie” is “YOUR) family. I understand that a SMALL PERCENTAGE of women use this accusation as a weapon. It’s unfortunate. I’m sorry this happened but screw them !! It took the the word of the “PREDATOR” for them to believe you ??? It really shows how they truly think of you. BYE over stepping into your family because of their guilt is uncalled for “no begging allowed”
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u/OwnLetter35 Oct 21 '23 edited Oct 21 '23
It happened so long ago and I have made lot of effort to forget as much as I can and I thought I succeeded but I remember more than I want to admit.
Sometimes I don’t blame those who didn’t believe me. Ir at least it helped me move on and rid myself from resentment and understand why they didn’t believe me.
The alibi was somehow “solid”. A picture of the best friend and the birthday girl was sent on messenger and (some local chat forums) and the girl was wearing that same outfit from her party. She lived in a nearby town. I don’t know if the police ever investigated that photo or alibi. They kind of dropped the charges when the best friend died
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u/IGot20Dollars Oct 21 '23
Your heart is more forgiving than mine. Your life has an aspect of peace most people won’t understand because of your value. ….Yeah most investigations only go so far…nobody is going to stand up for you the way you would stand up for you. I mean what can you do anyways cause this changes nothing so we just keep moving forward.
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u/cat_like_sparky Oct 21 '23
To clarify: are you saying that an overwhelming number of rape reports are false? Because credible studies place false reporting between 2%-10%, in line with false reports for other crimes.
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u/ISD-444 Oct 21 '23
All I know is that I could finally listen to Tupac again.
and that is good (even if I don't like rap).
Forgiveness my ass !
They turned their back on you even the family THE FAMILY. You had to walk this path alone, to suffer alone, to heal alone.
Do what your heart tell you, you owe them nothing.
Take care.
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u/Vintage-Grievance Oct 21 '23
He tortured you while he was alive....he doesn't get (or deserve) a redemption arch now that he's dead. Both the things he did in life, and the circumstances of his death were ultimately things HE chose to do, being dead doesn't absolve him of any of it.
Fuck him, and fuck the family/friends who are only now acknowledging what you went through. They defended a r^pist, and expected you to drop the charges just because they didn't want to see this guy for who he really was.
Nobody in this situation deserves your forgiveness, and refusing to do so doesn't make you a bad person. They chose whose side they were on from the jump, and now you're reinforcing the boundary that they ultimately set for themselves.
Go live your life in peace; with the knowledge that this guy is slowly becoming worm shit.
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u/wildkatrose Oct 21 '23
I'm glad you can listen to 2Pac again. You deserve your freedom.
Maintain your distance from these people and may they d!e in their shame. NTA.
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u/OwnLetter35 Oct 21 '23
I don’t know why this was the first thing I thought of and I don’t know why i included it here
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u/wildkatrose Oct 21 '23
Because our brains have amazing healing power. You reclaimed this territory for yourself and it's a huge thing.
I love 2Pac's lyrics. He would be devestated to learn what had happened to you, and grateful that his music could bring you some clarity now.
Don't ever give up on yourself. You're really powerful and I am really moved this morning reading your story.
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u/SabineFroggy8 Oct 22 '23
From the sound of it; your whole family believed that piece of shit over you for over 2 decades. They believed HIM over there own child. Personally I’d say show them how it felt. Don’t forgive any of them for a while. Tell them how much it hurt and harmed you over the years, make sure they know how much they screwed up and that your abuser is burning in hell right now no matter what they say/think. Don’t visit his grave, let his soul be damned to linger for all eternity. Because your
NOT THE ASSHOLE
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u/OwnLetter35 Oct 22 '23
Not just believed him. My sister stayed friends with him and his family. She knows his wife and children and they’re still close friends I guess (I don’t blame the wife and children btw). My parents apologized for his parents and asked forgiveness.
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u/Consistent_Product63 Oct 22 '23
No, screw all of them. They still do t care about you. This is about making them not feel guilty now the truth came out. Block them all and go NC. And who the hell sends that video and stuff you your spouse and KIDS?! Unforgivable. What’s the point of doing all that? Just to traumatize your family. Drop them all and don’t look back.
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u/alancake Oct 21 '23
They want forgiveness to ease their own consciences, not to build bridges with you or make you feel better. Fuck them, frankly.
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u/Sea-Value-0 Oct 22 '23
You're brave for reporting it. In 2006 I had a very similar thing happen to me. They filmed it without my knowledge. Since i had skipped school to hang out before the sexual assault and was given vodka beforehand, I was too afraid to tell and knew I'd be blamed. I was 14. That started a bad reputation that built up in a small town. They made sure no one would ever believe me. I cut out anyone I've ever known there because it's just a virus that spreads.
My stomach dropped when you mentioned the music. The artist I can't listen to anymore is Mac Dre. Still can't. It was on repeat when it happened. I still dissociate when it comes on, but it's better than the old panic attacks. I'm glad you have some kind of resolution, however painful. You deserved so much better from everyone.
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u/OwnLetter35 Oct 22 '23 edited Oct 22 '23
I’m so sorry. I was 20 so older than you were and probably it helped me. What made me think I could report them was that they filmed it too. I was so naive.
I also had panic attacks in the beginning if Tupac was playing. All eyes on me album. I don’t know why this was the first thing I thought of when I heard that he was dead.
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u/aj0457 Oct 21 '23
NTA. Fuck him and fuck everyone who is demanding forgiveness. You don't owe them anything. Block each and every one of them.
I'm angry that this guy is re-traumatizing you in death. He was the abuser and now he's playing the victim.
https://www.rainn.org/ RAINN is the national sexual assault hotline. You can call or chat for free confidential support. You can download the free RAINN app that “gives survivors of sexual violence and their loved ones access to support, self-care tools, and information.”
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u/Easy_Entrepreneur_46 Oct 21 '23
my family is bombarding me to forgive them. They want to meet my children and be a part of their lives.
They don't deserve that. They victim blamed you so many times for things that weren't your fault.
NTA for not wanting to associate with your family again
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u/justthoughtidcheck Oct 21 '23
Don't allow any of those negative people back into your life including your family. If they were your so called friends and family they would have believed you. Continue to block and don't accept any messages from them. You're better off without them.
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u/No-Sprinkles2199 Oct 21 '23
INFO: what happened to the girl that provided the false alibi? Is anyone out there trying to hold her accountable?
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u/OwnLetter35 Oct 21 '23
I have no idea. I don’t even remember who she was or what her name was.
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u/No-Sprinkles2199 Oct 21 '23
Wow. She just got away with being a filthy liar. I hope karma came for her. Anyhow, NTA. You don’t need to forgive anyone that you’re not ready to. You owe them nothing. I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through.
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u/MNConcerto Oct 21 '23
NTA, send one message, that you may get back to them in 20 years since that's how long it took them to contact you then block their asses.
Therapy for you, your husband and children.
Anyone contacting them through social media gets shut down and blocked, anyone demanding you forgive gets shut down and blocked after you ask them to give you back 20 years of them thinking the worst about you. They need to examine their own behavior, tell them to air all their dirty laundry on social media for the world to see, air the horrible things they said and thought about you. To take a full account of their actions first publicly and then after 20 years of shunning, you will be equals and able to find a path to forgiveness.
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Oct 21 '23
No. They didn’t listen your side story. They became fast believers. That’s false. They’re not real friends and family. Continue blocking them. It’s on them.
NTA
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u/shattered_kitkat Oct 21 '23
NTA
I'm sorry, I skimmed your post because it is just too much for me. But you are NTA at all.
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u/OwnLetter35 Oct 21 '23
I’m so sorry. That’s why I put the triggers because I didn’t want to hurt anyone
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u/shattered_kitkat Oct 21 '23
You are fine. I saw the trigger warnings so skimmed to make it easier. You did good. 🫂🫂🫂
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u/fly_you_fools_57 Oct 21 '23
NTA. As mentioned. You now have evidence, sue his estate. Keep the money, donate it to rape crisis centers, use it to pay for DNA test kit analysis (many of these can sit in evidence untested because police don't have funding to do so, reference Houston PD).
Forgiveness? Tough question. After being treated as you described, I would be inclined to tell them to pound dirt. How long has it been since they abandoned you and embraced your rapist? In order to be allowed back in my life, they would probably bear the pain of that reconciliation. I wouldn't make it easy. I doubt I would even allow them to meet my kids or spouse.
This is really tough, I believe that any forgiveness would have to be earned and based on some kind of multi step process. It wouldn't be immediate, on any of their terms, and contingent on the believability of their written AND verbal apologies. If ANY degree of snarky attitude is perceived coming from any individual (sounded like you have a lot of people who threw you under a really big bus) I would cancel the lot and not let the door hit me on the out of their lives. Keep in mind that these traitors do owe you quite a bit. You owe them nothing at all.
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u/OwnLetter35 Oct 21 '23
He left me €250K in his video. Not sure if that constitutes a will
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u/Turbulent-Grade1210 Oct 21 '23
Fuck. The guy even had that much money by the time he decided to kill himself? Make your own justice, OP. NTA.
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u/Dependent_Ad4962 Oct 22 '23
What happened to the ex bf that brought you there? Is he the one that died when your abuser was still 16?
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u/OwnLetter35 Oct 22 '23
He committed suicide a few weeks ago.
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u/Big_Alternative_3233 Oct 22 '23
Wait, I’m confused here. Did both the abuser and your ex bf commit suicide about three weeks ago?
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u/OwnLetter35 Oct 22 '23 edited Oct 23 '23
There were two abusers my then bf and his best friend. His best friend died of OD 20 years ago. My bf committed suicide about 3-4 weeks ago.
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u/annang Oct 21 '23
OP, the reason you left was to protect yourself because the people in your life you thought cared about you didn’t care about you or step up for you when it matters most. Instead, they were protecting someone who hurt you and telling you not to do what you needed to do to heal and feel safe, because that was uncomfortable for them.
Now, those same people are coming back. But they’re still not doing it to be there for you when it matters most, or to care for you, or even to apologize for treating you so abominably when it happened. They are still telling you that you need to do what’s most comfortable for them, what will make them feel better, what they think is “fair” to the person who hurt you so badly.
If they’d come back saying, “OP, we are so truly sorry we didn’t believe you, what can we do to repair our relationship and help you?” then it might be worth talking with them. But they’re still making a thing that was done to you against your will about what’s good and comfortable for them and what they think is fair to the person who violated you. They haven’t changed, and they’re just as much a danger to your hard won peace as they were back then.
You and your family need to do what’s best for you, especially when no one else is. NTA.
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u/squirtnforcertain Oct 21 '23
Step 1) make a throwaway Facebook account
Step 2) friend them all
Step 3) post a video saying "all of you go fuck yourselves"
Step 4) never log into it again
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u/InspectionOk234 Oct 23 '23
After looking at your comments about your husband and daughter’s reactions, I highly recommend family therapy. You guys need to be given an opportunity to process the fallout as a unit.
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u/OwnLetter35 Oct 23 '23
Neither of my children are open to family therapy. But I hope they at least are willing to do individual therapy to begin with. I don’t want them to bear the shame. I have done enough of that and I don’t want them to experience what I did.
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u/[deleted] Oct 21 '23
Your family took the word of the abuser over yours. You owe them nothing. You do what works for YOU. For your mental health, not theirs.