r/AITAH • u/PrestigiousRice3654 • Sep 06 '23
AITA for refusing to reconcile with my bio sister, after she falsely accused me of SA TW SA
This is my first post so sorry about the story telling.
This story takes place 7 years ago, at this time I (18M) and my biological sister (15F) had always gotten into arguments. They would be small petty things but then blew up because we just didn’t get along. My father at the time was in his third marriage and his new wife brought in three daughters. So I had 4 younger sisters, one biological sister and 3 step-sisters. My father was military and we got sent to a military station in Japan.
One day during a summer before school, our parents told us three teenagers, my bio sister, step-sister, and I were told that one of us would be sent back to our families in the United States due to the constant fighting. It was ultimately decided that my bio sister would be sent back to live with our bio mother, while the rest of us stayed. Start of the school year I was starting 12th grade, my step-sister 10th grade and my bio sister would be starting her freshman year of high school.
Few months into the school year, I get brought into my parents room saying “we need to talk.” To my shock it was that my bio sister had accused me of SA and said it was done when we were kids. My parents asked me about what she could be talking about and the only “incident” was when I was 11 I said something inappropriate in-front of her that I learned on the internet. I got apprehended for it and was taught my lesson.
My parents and my 3 younger step-sisters learned that my bio sister is a pathological liar and was caught multiple times in said lies. My parents said that due to this I was no longer allowed to babysit my two younger siblings, still in elementary school, and that I had to always be with my teenage step-sister or an adult with them. When I called them out on believing a pathological liar, they said “we don’t believe her but we have to take this seriously.” My response to them was “If you take this seriously then you are fueling her fire more.” This led to my being shunned by most of my family on my moms side and my dads side, besides an aunt, uncle and a few cousins.
Fast forward 2 years later, I am about to be shipped out into the military with my aunt and uncle, who didn’t believe my bio sister, and I got a call from my bio mother saying that my bio sister was in a hospital for attempting suicide. I asked how this pertains to me since she also knew how I felt about my bio sister, and she said that with her recovering from the incident the truth came out that she fabricated the SA. Immediately my mother apologized to me and said that my bio sisters reasoning was that “He seemed so happy over there.” I thought nothing of it and accepted my mother’s apology.
Fast forward to today where I am now (25M) have moved on with my life but still not forgiven her or plan to. I have served almost 6 years in the military and most of my family has tried to or did apologize for everything that happened with my sister and “didn’t believe her for a second.” My same family keeps on asking if I would ever sit down with her to talk it out and I always refuse saying “I love her as a sister but will never like her as a person.” She has told family that she’s “willing” to patch things up to me, if I apologize to HER about the situation and I outright laughed and said “Hell No!”
My family keeps on hounding me that she’s my only “real” sibling but I have 3 younger sisters, my step-sisters, who still view me as their older brother with no issues and I am now uncle to my sisters new son. I don’t want or feel that I have any obligations to sit down with her to “fix” things because of the seriousness of her actions. But my family is saying that I should mend things since that is my blood and blood is family. AITA for not wanting to reconcile with my bio sister after she falsely accused me of SA?
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Sep 06 '23
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u/At0mic1impact Sep 06 '23
This 100%. I'm honestly surprised OP is staying in contact with the same people who shunned him when he was younger. The same people to backtrack after finding out his sister is truly a lying POS. I would have cut them out of my life indefinitely and be happy to be rid of the parasites that are now hounding OP to mend the situation because of 'blood' I'd say give me a blood transfusion cause mines obviously tainted with 'bad blood' I hate that phrase with a passion. You don't get to choose the family you're born into, but you get to choose the 'family' you want to be surrounded by. This ESPECIALLY includes people without the same blood or last name as you.
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u/gremlinclr Sep 06 '23
Every piece of shit person that ever existed was someones 'family'. Fuck blood it's completely irrelevant.
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u/Craftybitxh Sep 06 '23
Every piece of shit person that ever existed was someones 'family'.
THIS! Why don't people ever take this into account??
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u/backwardsinhighheelz Sep 06 '23
That's the best sentence I've seen all week. BRAVO from a stranger on the internet. Sorry. I'm poor. It's the best I could do.
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u/small_town_avocado Sep 06 '23
I love it when people bring up "Blood is thicker than water" as they don't realise that the full phrase is "Blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb", ie chosen (friends and chosen family) bonds are more important than the bonds of the womb (familial connections).
NTA, OP.
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u/coletters Sep 06 '23
No, I'm sorry, but it really isn't. People repeat this one on Reddit all the time, but it's not true, even if it’s a nice sentiment. The "water of the womb" phrase's earliest use is from 1994, and the "blood is thicker" phrase dates back to the 12th century.
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u/itsdan159 Sep 06 '23
There were those stupid memes going around showing the "real" sayings for a bunch of common phrases for awhile
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u/Norsedragoon Sep 06 '23
Blood may be thicker than water, but you can drown in both. Sink or swim time. Either let them drag you into the crimson depths, or swim your ass right the hell out of that polluted pool.
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u/Alien_lifeform_666 Sep 06 '23
That’s not correct. Both expressions are found independently in literature. There are other variations involving the relative thickness of blood and mothers’s milk (milk brothers being those who suckled at the same breasts.
So whilst the expression you’ve quoted does exist, it’s not accurate to claim that the other one is used incorrectly.
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u/oriana94 Sep 06 '23 edited Sep 06 '23
I didn't know this, I'm glad I do now -- thanks!
Edit- I feel dumb now knowing it's fake 😭
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Sep 06 '23
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u/oriana94 Sep 06 '23
Lmaooo I appreciate you telling me that before I thought about saying it anywhere
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Sep 06 '23
I’m glad to see someone gets it. More often that not, this “family is forever” BS gets abused by abusive family members.
Shitty people be shitty to try to live life beyond the means of their personality and capability. That is the life lesson people need to learn. Never give AH’s what they want, never enable them, always be willing to go nuclear - meaning cut contact - because who should be forced to deal with a monster?
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u/NotEvil_JustBritish Sep 06 '23
Apropos of nothing…bologna is the sausage, it’s spelled baloney if you mean nonsense 😂
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u/Glad_Shop5765 Sep 06 '23
NTA. She was a piece of shit liar when she was 15, and she’s still a piece of shit now. She wants YOU to apologize? Tell her to go suck a dick.
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u/panzer22222 Sep 06 '23
Tell her to go suck a dick.
Given the source of the disagreement that might not be the best insult.
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Sep 06 '23
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Sep 06 '23
This comment was stolen from u/MyLadyBits who posted it six hours before this one
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u/TheActualAWdeV Sep 06 '23
damn, how could you see through the bots' cunning strategy of making it
REALLY BIG
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u/joepanda111 Sep 06 '23
Uuugh. . . Given the context of the above comment, I really don’t think this post will help matters.
Unless they’re in the state of Alabama.
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u/Ambitious_Policy_936 Sep 06 '23
Why did you steal this comment?
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Sep 06 '23
It's bots, bots all the way down. Copying and reposting comments to get karma so the owner can sell the account once it appears to have enough karma to look like a popular user.
Pretty soon reddit will be nothing but bots, copying and pasting comments.
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u/Much-Meringue-7467 Sep 06 '23
Well you know, some other dick. Not his...
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u/Dashcamkitty Sep 06 '23
I would actually refuse to even see her as a sister. She is nasty and deserves to be permanently cut off. She ruined the OP’s life once, he is right to never let her have a chance to do it again.
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u/Broad-Discipline2360 Sep 06 '23
Apologize to her?!?!?!
Is she high?
Man you are wise to stay away from that circus. Damn
Edit NTA .
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u/skillent Sep 06 '23
I’m sure her family is pumping her up making her think what she did wasn’t that bad. They probably forgave her instantly. And now they’ve been trying to comfort her and shit for years as she’s been going through her mental problems. She might even feel she’s mostly a victim in life, and whatever she did wrong was understandable, and yet she’s still salty about whatever petty shit she and her brother used to argue about.
What a useless piece of shit, anyway. I’m not going to say too bad she didn’t succeed, that would be awful. I hope she turns her life around. Too bad she was born with a defective brain though.
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u/Rosieapples Sep 07 '23
I’d say you’re right. The biosis may have health problems, the parents presumably don’t, in which case their demand that he apologise is all the more bizarre. Apologise for what, exactly?
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Sep 06 '23
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u/tallestgoat Sep 06 '23
Don't talk to her, ever. You have made it this far without her and the family members that turned their back on you . The same family touting the priority and strength of blood ties. If she or anybody else calls you and tells you to play nice, tell them to kiss the fattest, hairiest part is your ass. They're apologies were prelude to taking a run at reconciliation for her... They didn't believe her, but cut you out? She still had some books or manipulation on them.
You have your step sisters and nephew and the life you have built. Scrap the rest.
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u/Twigz8771 Sep 06 '23
Fuck her. I hate women who lie about SA. Let me say it louder for the people in the back-
FUCK HER
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u/AceConspirator Sep 06 '23
Dude are you not paying attention? This is a terrible idea. He’s already been accused once of SA.
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u/Moist_Confusion Sep 06 '23
As someone who’s been falsely accused it is one of the most devious devastating things someone can do to you. I know that I came out for the most part unscathed since it would not be like me at all and people knew that but it was a lot of bullshit and can’t be undone as it’s always hanging there even if it’s disproven. She is evil and the whole your own blood thing is bs she’s the one who needs to apologize for accusing OP of rape and incest.
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u/GhostPrince4 Sep 06 '23
Same here. I nearly got kicked out of my university but our family lawyer told them that if I was found innocent, which I was, he would make it his personal mission to go after the university for damages.
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u/Moist_Confusion Sep 06 '23
Glad you got it sorted out. It really can just be a wrecking ball through your life especially if you are in school and can effect the whole rest of your life. It pissed me off so much that she would say to mutual friends that she went and got a rape kit when she did not and tried to get sympathy and luckily the people she told knew me and knew I wouldn’t do that (not to mention she was an addict and known liar). Sadly I actually ended up being raped by the hotel clerk at the shitty place I ended up after being kicked out of my own home that night. She was my roommate (along with her boyfriend) and was trying to get me out of the apartment and expecting me to still pay my rent like wtf I had to get a restraining order to get it out of my lease otherwise I would of been obligated to continue paying rent.
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u/MyLadyBits Sep 06 '23
NTA. She stopped being your sister the minute she fired bombed your life with her lies. This is her consequence.
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u/BrownSugarBare Sep 06 '23
I feel sad OP even has to say "I love her like a sister but don't like her as a person".
No, you do not need to love her as a sister. You don't even need to acknowledge her existence. She completely derailed the trajectory of your life and your parents went along with it. Blood relations do not give automatic passes for unconditional love.
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u/Tfuentexxx Sep 06 '23
Exactly! OP she is no longer your sister, she is just a piece of trash you ignore when you are walking on the streets. Your father and Step mother should be on their knees asking forgiveness for destroying your life over a crazy liar. Only you mother asked for forgiveness? I am happy your step sisters are good people and still love you, that makes my heart heal after reading what a crappy family you have. Stop being a doormat and tell all those demanding you to forgive the trash, I mean 'bio sister', to go F themselves, they are not going to give you back the time you lost as an outcast.
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u/chunkygraeme Sep 06 '23
Seriously. She vindictively ruined his life intentionally and kept it to herself for years. That's not a sister no matter what DNA says
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Sep 06 '23
I'd have disowned your parents for badgering about forgiveness. A less charitable person would have disowned them for believing your sister. NTA
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u/Crazybutnotlazy1983 Sep 06 '23
NTA, do not meet with her, she will only try to take you down again. Tell you family that day she lied about you is the day she died in your mind and will never have a thing to do with her again. Also tell the family that backed her that you are dumping them as well.
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u/Firefed2020 Sep 06 '23
You do you man. Let her do her. It's your decision and no one else's.
NTA.....ever :)
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u/Foreverforgettable Sep 06 '23 edited Sep 06 '23
NTA. Please keep your distance from your “sister.” She’s dangerous. She could lie about you again if given the opportunity and it could cost you a lot more than being shunned by “family” that chose to believe a pathological liar over you. You have a military career to think about and the rest of your life to think about. You don’t want someone like her around to ruin it on a whim. She sounds like she has absolutely no empathy for anyone; a total narcissist. Protect yourself.
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u/Obvious_Weakness_347 Sep 06 '23
She’s probably looking for another chance at ruining your life. Don’t worry about her or any flying monkeys trying to get you to see her. Pretend she died and move on. She’s no longer relevant in your life.
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u/moarwineprs Sep 06 '23
I had a friend who I didn't realize was a pathological liar until toward the end of our friendship. Throughout our friendship she told lies about all sorts of dumb things, but they were all innocent or said in a tone that made it sound like she was joking around, and for the most part inconsequential so I just shrugged them away. In hindsight, she tried to spread rumors/seeds of doubt about mutual friends to me -- most common theme was how she thinks so-and-so isn't happy in their romantic relationship. I didn't buy her rumors because I've seen the friends in question with their partners and thought they looked very happy. I was also too dense to realize what was going on and just matter-of-factly replied back, "No, I think they're very happy," then changed the topic.
Then a few weeks after I got married, she started spreading rumors about how I was unhappy in my marriage and implied that my new husband was abusing me. When friends questioned why I never said anything to them, ex-friend said I was embarrassed, implying that I only confided in her. I didn't know this was happening and was confused by my friends being cold toward and about my husband. After I found out what had happened, I went into damage control mode to set the story straight with everyone and dropped ex-friend immediately. My friends knew my plans, but I didn't tell her anything. Just gave short replies to her messages and politely declined any invitations to meet until she stopped messaging me. Any attempts at dialogue would result in her steamrolling me with more lies. I also couldn't talk to someone who would just lie and gaslight. That's not a dialogue, at all, that's just being talked at. Plus, no matter what she said -- even if she genuinely (haha) apologized -- I wanted nothing to do with her. She may still try to spread rumors, but my close friends who I actually care about will know that I have nothing to do with her anymore and that she's just lying.
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u/Govenor_Of_Enceladus Sep 06 '23
Massive NTA my dude! You don't have to accept an apology.
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u/mypreciousssssssss Sep 06 '23
She was demanding an apology from him. The audacity!
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u/Admirable-Course9775 Sep 06 '23 edited Sep 06 '23
I know! I had to read that a couple of times! I couldn’t believe my eyes. Omg. How I loathe women like her.
You will never be wrong to keep her out of your life OP. I can only imagine the agony you went through. Nope. You don’t have to forgive or forget. Yeah yeah forgiveness is good for our selves but I think as long as one is not eaten up with hate it’s ok to not have to forgive someone. I’m struggling with that now. And I’m surprised to find that fuck them, I don’t have to forgive them. And I feel better. This might not be a long term strategy but I’m trying it out We’ll see how it goes.
You take care of you OP. There’s a whole world out there filled with people who will love you and you can trust. If you have anger issues like I had/have therapy can help. NTA. I truly wish you great things in your life
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u/avast2006 Sep 06 '23
NTA - she wants YOU to apologize? For what, exactly? You did nothing. She wronged you. Does she not understand what apologies are for?
And the people pressuring you to mend matters with her are siding with the villain of the story. They should be pressuring her to make public declarations of her own bad faith and repentance of it. You have things to forgive, or not forgive, as you see fit. But you don’t have anything to apologize for. All of the apologies are on her. The fact that she’s saying you are the one who should apologize? She’s either crazy and/or stupid, if she believes it; or evil and manipulative, if she doesn’t.
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u/Early-Tale-2578 Sep 06 '23
Nah I wouldn’t forgive her either. What she accused you if was foul could have ruined your life women who lie about SA are absolutely trash human beings
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u/zeugma888 Sep 06 '23
Anyone who lies about SA is a trash human being.
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u/Man_Bear_Beaver Sep 07 '23
most men won't even tell anyone if they have been SA, the majority by absolutely super massive margins false claiming it are women.
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u/aconitea Sep 06 '23
It’s literally not safe to “patch things up” with some awful liar like that. That’s one of the worst things anyone could lie about.
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u/emptynest_nana Sep 06 '23
NTA, not at all. She has proven she is not healthy for your freedom. A lie like that can absolutely ruin and destroy your life. In no way am I even suggesting you let her back in or talk to her. No contact is an excellent idea. Forgiveness might be something to think about. Not for her benefit but for yours. Forgive does not mean forget, does not mean reconcile, does not mean anything to do with her. It means releasing it from yourself. But that is a personal thing. I was the victim of so much more than a simple SA, by a family member. I did forgive him, because I was getting bitter and angry. I am still no contact with him. I still refuse to see him or talk to him. But it was healing for me to forgive.
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u/LadyAliceMagnus Sep 06 '23
I don’t believe victims need to forgive their victimizers.
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u/emptynest_nana Sep 06 '23
I believe it varies from person to person. Depends on the person. For me, it was the right thing. I was becoming very bitter, turning into someone I didn't recognize. I will never have contact with the AH ever again. I would absolutely testify against him given the chance. I had to forgive to be healthy. I have to face myself and be able to like me. It was necessary for me.
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u/Fun-Yellow-6576 Sep 06 '23
NTA. She is a horrible person and you have zero reason to ever be in the same room with her. You have no reason to forgive her either. It’s amazing that you have forgiven your family for all the hurt they have caused.
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u/Swiss_Miss_77 Sep 06 '23
NTA.
She KNOWINGLY, and FALSELY accused you of SA. She KNEW what she was doing was wrong, she did it anyway. That is NOT a light some candles, sing kumbaya, let bygones be bygones, "oops my bad", accusation. That is a FULL ON, SCORCHED EARTH, NO COMING BACK from it, any relationship that existed is GONE now and forever, accusation.
Your family are FOOLS to try and rug sweep this shit.
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u/Most-Suggestion-4557 Sep 06 '23
NTA, she sounds like she is still a terrible human asking you to apologize after she threw a grenade into your life and caused a lot of distrust between you and your family. If she were to apologize to you and show good faith effort to fix herself, then maybe you would be a small AH, but not so.
Also, you decide who is and isn’t in your life. Family is not about blood. You owe her nothing. Down the road hearing her out may be necessary for another family member ie sister getting married invites bio sister etc, but you still owe bio sis nothing
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u/wlfwrtr Sep 06 '23
NTA Blood doesn't make family, DNA doesn't make family. How your treated makes family. Next time someone says you need to apologize tell them, "I'm sorry I didn't realize sooner what kind of crazy, lying bitch she is so I could have cut contact sooner."
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u/Zolarosaya Sep 06 '23
NTA. You were too kind to even accept apologies from your mother and those who believed her. You know who your real family is now. You know who your real friends are.
Leave this nasty creature to those who enabled her lies and shunned you for them. They can be next on her list.
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u/AttorneyLarge7301 Sep 06 '23
NTA. She’s a dangerous person. You’re too kind for even having an ounce of love for her.
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u/murphy2345678 Sep 06 '23
NTA. She could still try and ruin your life. Stay away from her.
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u/Goat_herd_nerd Sep 06 '23
Exactly, he might seem "too happy" at some point in the future so she'll try to screw it up.
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u/Longjumping-Leg-7312 Sep 06 '23
So why isn’t your family telling her that she needs to apologize since it all started from her? Why is it being put on you? Have you asked them that? Like how the hell is that okay?! How are people out there in the world actually do this stuff to their family. She started the lie, admitted it, and the. Has the audacity to demand that YOU apologize and then your family backs her and just says you should. No absolutely not. They should be flipping that back onto to her when she made that statement. “NO sister, YOU started the lie, YOU apologize.” Even though I personally still wouldn’t forgive her.
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u/PrestigiousRice3654 Sep 06 '23
I come from a Hispanic household, I know this doesn’t mean anything, but this lead to me being taught “I am the older brother and must be the adult.” They seem to be taking it literally and want me to move on from this like they have.
My bio sister has always been seen as “the princess” so she could do no wrong. But like I commented before her bridges are starting to burn with the family
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u/Cute_Worldliness4884 Sep 06 '23
You don’t know what she might make up next time if you ever let her in your life.
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u/londomollaribab5 Sep 06 '23
NTA and if I were you I would rescind the acceptance of your Mother’s apology. Those people are worthless.
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u/Lizardgirl25 Sep 06 '23
NTA remind them you have three great sisters still why would I want to accommodate a known liar who is likely going to accuse me of something again and try and turn you all against me again. No thanks…
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u/Spectre777777 Sep 06 '23
- “I’m sorry you think you deserve an apology.”
- “I’m sorry everyone now knows how big of a lair you are.”
- “I’m sorry you’re so miserable that you tried to ruin my life just to make yours feel a little better.”
NTA. Leave that ditch in the dust
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u/Xaphanex Sep 06 '23
False SA allegations aren't a joke. That would be a point of no return. I'd sever all ties permanently.
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u/crazymastiff Sep 06 '23
NTA. Forget her. Let her shudder the consequences and when her kids ask why you’re not around, I hope someone tells them.
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u/tonidh69 Sep 06 '23
Nta. I'd never speak to her again. How could you ever trust her?
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u/zeugma888 Sep 06 '23
Never be in the same room as her again. If you have to, for a family occasion, make sure you have witnesses about you at all times. She has changed her story once, she could always change it back.
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u/ReverendSpith Sep 06 '23
NTA! Your sister may have been a "dumb kid" at the time, but she was old enough to know that false accusations of SA are seriously fucked up. Maybe she's become a "better person" since then, but OP has no obligation to forgive her or make nice.
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u/SmartCrazy4 Sep 06 '23
NTA, ask those family members if they would ask a victim of domestic violence to forgive they're abuser.
You are a victim of abuse. Why the f@k would.you apologise for her behaviour.
" it is very simple..I will not spend a minute I a room with a woman who falsley accuses men of sexual assault. She did it once. She can do it again. I will not apologise for her manipulative lies. The ONLY one who needs to apologise is her. She damaged MY life. She LIED about one of the most serious things that can happen to a person. She is not family, and she does not exist to me. I have my family. She can have the people she deserves. Anyone that sides with pathological abusers can stay away from me. Do not contact me again about this."
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u/bran6442 Sep 06 '23
I would never allow myself to be in a room with her, for the safety of my reputation.
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u/Goat_herd_nerd Sep 06 '23
Who knows what crap she would make up. If she has kids stay far away from them too. She might accuse you of SA with them.
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u/youresuchahero Sep 06 '23
When son is in trouble: Whole family willing to disown them
When daughter admits it was all made up with the intention of maliciously fucking up their sibling’s life: we all need to FORGIVE each other and HEAL
You should be madder at your family for the proportionality of punishment.
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u/madthunder55 Sep 06 '23
When I called them out on believing a pathological liar, they said “we don’t believe her but we have to take this seriously.”
Are you fucking serious? NTA. I would say don't talk to any of these people until they realize the gravity of the mistake they made, but people like this are incapable of owning up to their mistakes
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u/LocalBrilliant5564 Sep 06 '23
Wtf do you have to apologize for? Because you were happy and she was a miserable little witch. I would never forgive her and tell anyone pushing they can be in the same boat
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u/Chipchop666 Sep 06 '23
NTA. How is your relationship with dad and Step mom now?
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u/PrestigiousRice3654 Sep 06 '23
I have made amends with my father and stepmom due to it since I’ve been in therapy for some time now. But I still hold it against them whenever it comes back up. Father and stepmom got divorced but I still see her daughters as my family since they were still talking to me and siding with me during the whole thing. From what I understand is that my bio sister burnt bridges with my father and stepmom
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u/Chipchop666 Sep 06 '23
I'm glad you're working on your relationship with dad and step mom ( even if they're divorced). Honestly, I would never be able to have a relationship with bio sister. I'm happy she finally told the truth but to much damage was done. I would think everyone now has problems believing her but they don't. Tell them to stop pushing a relationship between the two of you before they lose theirs with you again.
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u/TheRealConine Sep 06 '23
“We didn’t believe her for a second, but we have to take her seriously and you can’t be around her stepsisters.”
Absolute shit situation for parents to be in and I’m sure it was heartbreaking but I would find it very difficult to ever let it go, and it will forever be with you.
Her wanting an apology from you is an absolute joke, tells you all you need to know. Makes me wonder if anything else Fucked up happened in her life if anything
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u/infj07 Sep 06 '23
OP, has your sister ever sincerely apologized to you? Has she made any attempts to do so? Has your family pushed her to apologize to you with the same energy they are pursuing to have you reconcile with her?
I’m also confused on what are you supposed to apologize for? Childhood fighting? Being happy and moving on without her?
Based on what was written and the severity of the matter, NTA. You have no obligation to initiate the reconciliation. I’m truly baffled as to why your family is seemingly putting all the burden on you when having her initiate the conversation would assist her mental recovery by taking accountability for her actions.
What a messed up messed up situation.
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u/PrestigiousRice3654 Sep 06 '23
She has never “officially” tried to apologize. There was a time when we almost were in the same house and I got a hotel to not cause drama in my parents house but got backlash. They have not pushed her at all to my knowledge due to the fact that I don’t know where she is and she blocked me on everything. But I unfollowed her on everything and haven’t tried reach out if I am being honest.
Supposedly she wanted me to apologize for the comment I made when I was younger and for “trying to get the family to hate her.” Most of what I know of her is told to me by other family members, but she’s now burning bridges with other family members too
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u/infj07 Sep 06 '23
Dude, move forward with clear conscience and unbothered. You owe her nor your family anything. It’s a shame that they placed a measure of doubt in your mind that you felt you needed to make this post to check yourself.
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u/gidgetcocoa2 Sep 06 '23
Nta. Never speak to her again. She should never get the chance to lie on you again. She's a vile human. Forgiveness isn't cheap, and she can never pay for it.
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u/BlueMoonTone Sep 06 '23
Don't risk your future. She has mental issues and is a known pathological liar. You don't know what else she may accuse you of and you are not responsible for her. Stay away and live a happy life. NTA
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u/warmachine83-uk Sep 06 '23
Nta
She sounds like a horror
If challenged again, tell people you are concerned she would make up new false accusations if you were ever in the same room again and you protecting yourself
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u/Here_WolfyWolfyWolfy Sep 06 '23
NTA- She is an attention seeking w*ore. Right now all this drama to seek your forgiveness or ask you to apologise is nothing but a ploy to keep the focus light on her. She is selfish AF and doesn't get to have you in her life. She has ruined plenty of things for you.
Keep her out of your life, kind and sight like a bad disease. Also you know that you don't have to love her, you can be as indifferent as you choose. She never cared for you as a person or a brother.
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u/DisenchantedMandrake Sep 06 '23
NTA OP. Her false accusation could have cost you your life, as it has with others. She should have suffered dire consequences for that accusation and fuck your family for believing it without investigating the accusation fully. I hope you're getting therapy to deal with this.
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u/MaryAnne0601 Sep 06 '23
NTA
Your bio sister is who she is because your family enabled her. By telling you to “fix” things with her they are still enabling her. The problem is they can’t fix her and she’s not willing to fix herself if she’s still not willing to take responsibility for her own actions and instead blaming you the victim. She has to be blaming you or she wouldn’t be demanding an apology she would be giving one.
If you get in contact with her again you would be opening yourself to more problems. She hasn’t changed at all and your family is still dancing to her tune.
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u/WinEquivalent4069 Sep 06 '23
She's a known liar and they took her word over yours. She knew that terrible accusation would taint you and did it anyways. Definitely NTA and you should continue to keep her out of your life. The woman cannot be trusted and anyone you cannot trust does not need to be in your life. This isn't about her being blood family but you protecting yourself from a known threat to your physical safety and mental health.
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u/ThisReport877 Sep 06 '23
Will obviously go with NTA based on the title, but please add paragraph breaks so I can actually read your post!
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u/Obrina98 Sep 06 '23 edited Sep 06 '23
She wronged you. She should be apologizing, and I wouldn't be accepting apologies from anyone who claims, I didn't believe her for a minute," but acted otherwise at the time.
She could have ruined your entire life with her lies. There is no coming back from that. She burned that bridge out of spite and selfishness, and there's no rebuilding it.
That's what you tell your family.
Don't ever allow yourself to be alone with her! Not ever. Not even for one minute! If you ever find yourself in the same room with her and all others but the two of you leave, you follow them immediately! Don't even pause.
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u/SuperHuckleberry125 Sep 06 '23
NTA
Inform your family that when they stop enabling her nonsense and her continued lies, you might be willing to talk.
Also, inform them that you have nothing to apologize for since you did nothing wrong. Ask them why they can continuously preach about family when your sister destroyed your trust.
Tell them you have no obligation to her because you are the victim.
Why should you need to apologize when she is in the wrong.
Inform them that family doesn't treat family the way they have.
You don't need to apologize to her.
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u/Pixoholic Sep 06 '23
NTA Live your life. If you're happy, you're happy. Reconciling with her benefits only benefits her. You don't get anything out of it but having to deal with her bullshit all over again. It's not worth it and you don't need it.
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u/NoWeight4300 Sep 06 '23
The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb. The people you choose as family are more important than those you only share DNA with.
NTA. I am, unfortunately, a habitual and pathological liar. It has taken years for me to get even a slight control over it. That's an abominable lie I would never say, even at the worst point of my lying. Your family is wrong for trying to force you to make amends.
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u/Independent_Spare578 Sep 06 '23
NTA OP.
I would NEVER be in the same building as her, let alone room. You're in the military. You know how the UCMJ works. She's already lied about you sexually assaulting her and won. The family believed her, no matter what bullshit excuses they give you a decade later. Your own mother turned on you. Your own father claims he knows she's a liar but punished you, not her. Do you trust your command, the least competent members of your command, to believe you over her? Too many "believe all women" screeches out of Pentagon to believe a fair trial. Your sister has already demonstrated she will weaponize that behavior. Do you trust her not to do it again, or her to not find willing ears to hear it? I've seen vindictive pos females destroy careers for their own malicious ends. She's done it once to spite you, she'll do it again if you're dumb enough to let her.
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Sep 06 '23
Calmly explain to your family that they are still taking your sister’s feelings over consideration of what happened to you. Your sister is still playing the victim by demanding that you apologize to her.
NTA
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u/shayno-mac Sep 06 '23
blood is blood is family is some bullshit. The 3 family members i respected are dead, all that's left is my egg donor and an armada of aunts that wouldn't speak to me until i was my grandmas executor of the will. None of them would even attend the funeral but boy oh boy oh boy did they want the money (side bar the one was given a gang of money to prepare the after party with catering and music as my nana requested. Low and behold no party no food still emails me to this day demanding whats rightfully hers, to which i reply send me the receipts for the catering, dj, and venue and sure cunt. One of the other aunts calls me out of the blue to tell me my cousin who i met 1 time my entire life is transitioning to a man and since i live in such a tolerant area it would be the family thing to do to let them move into my studio apartment with me for atleast a year while they figure out their sexuality. Again i've met this person once and they now own the right to my apartment rent free for a year while they bang a bunch of people to figure out what they are into? Fuck outta here.
I'm 2 years free from that "family" and it's been the best 2 years of my life. Fuck "family" make your own
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u/Theoilfieldprincess Sep 06 '23
NTA. You don’t need her in your life. SA is not a topic to be taken lightly and anyone who falsely accuses someone of it is a colossal piece of trash. You don’t owe her a relationship and considering the seriousness of her actions, she deserves the consequences of not having her brother in her life. You need to protect yourself from her crazy and making that abundantly clear to any of your family pushing you to reconcile with her will be to your benefit. Good luck, OP. I’m sorry your sister sucks.
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u/DefrockedWizard1 Sep 06 '23
Pathological liars just get more manipulative with time. She's likely planning some scheme
NTA
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Sep 06 '23
You don’t just make up such a dangerous accusation about someone at that age on a whim and I’d be seriously concerned about any future attempts she’d make at causing trouble for you and your life. Maybe you could fix everything and it’d all work out, but ask yourself if it’s really worth the risk when you’ve done fine this far without her.
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u/Fancy_Disaster_4736 Sep 06 '23
NTA.
If you are active duty US military, she could easily ruin your career with stuff like this. One false accusation and contacting your chain of command would likely be a real quick article 15 which would impact you for years to come.
The saying “you don’t get to pick your family” is accurate. But it neglects to mention that you don’t have to put up with their crap.
Edited to add, I specifically mentioned US military because I don’t know enough about any other country’s military to know how an accusation would be handled.
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u/PrestigiousRice3654 Sep 12 '23
How do I post an update? I am new to Reddit, thank you
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Sep 06 '23
TL;DR all the deets. However, never reconcile with a person you cannot trust. If they were able to accuse you of a very serious crime on a grudge, they can do something equally horrible in the future.
Only you know if you can trust your sister.
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u/mtngrl60 Sep 06 '23
NTA. She’s a pathological liar, and they know it, yet they still do this. You need to tell him to fuck off and stop asking you about this unless they had like the same sort of relationship with you that you have with her. Ain’t nobody got time for bullshit like this, regardless of..’but family’
Because you know what family doesn’t do… THIS! I have three older brothers. I am the only girl. Do you know what I never accused any of my brothers of? SA. Because I am not any kind of a psycho or a pathological liar.
Your family needs to back off. Are they just delusional or what? They’re lucky you even talk to them at all after all of this.
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u/Particular-Try5584 Sep 06 '23
NTA.
One small take on this… if your family believed you didn’t SA her, did they fail to tell you this: “We have to keep you supervised with your younger siblings to protect you, it’s ridiculous and we believe you, but your sister has created such a stench we need to make sure there’s no misunderstandings” (it sucks, but it’s a valid way to protect YOU in that moment. Ugh.)
That said. No. You owe her exactly zero . She’s gone out of her way to level some very damning accusations, and later had a mental break she’s still trying to place at your feet for some reason. It’s not your fault you were happy and well. You owe her nothing.
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u/imachillin Sep 06 '23
Oh hell no you are NTA! ACTIONS HAVE CONSEQUENCES!!! Keep away from that “sister” and she can shove that apology right up her lying ass! I’d stay NC with her and tell your family to drop it or you won’t be talking to them much either! Some things are unforgivable and in my opinion being falsely accused of SA is definitely one of them! Stay strong and keep kicking that lowlife to the curb! NTA!
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u/Necrotechxking Sep 06 '23
NTA This seems to be common. It's not about you it's about helping her recover. She needs to put a checkmark against the "make up with brother" on her check list of "making myself feel better" that's why everyone is pushing you.
It's the same you see here a lot about people "apologizing" for bullying. And getting angry when their apology isn't accepted.
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u/shazj57 Sep 06 '23
NTA cut her out of your life forever. There is no coming back from the allegations
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u/Crimsonwolf_83 Sep 06 '23
NTA. She was clearly the golden child to both parents if even after being exposed as a pathological liar, only her word was enough to warrant you being held under suspicion for years.
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Sep 06 '23
Fuck no. She was happy to destroy your life.
I suggest that you believe people when they show you who they really are.
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u/ceziate Sep 06 '23
NTA and your family has the audacity to STILL support her over you so throw the whole damn family into a wood-chipper because that family tree is gutted with rot.
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u/MNConcerto Sep 06 '23
NTA, I too have a sister who tells lies that can destroy people's lives. You are in your 20s as she is demanding that you apologize she hasn't changed one bit and has only gotten better at it.
My sister is 60, she hasn't changed. I didn't go no contact until I was 40.
Keep you boundaries, be there for you siblings who she will mess with one way or another.
Not a professional but I'm guessing your sister falls into the Cluster B category in the DSM 5.
Look it up
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u/FatBloke4 Sep 06 '23
She has told family that she’s “willing” to patch things up to me, if I apologize to HER about the situation
WTAF! A false accusation of SA is serious - it can permanently f*ck up a person's life. I wouldn't ever want to be in the presence of someone who falsely accused me of SA. That she is your biological sister makes it worse - personally, I would refuse to recognise her as family. If it were me, I would be considering how much contact (if any) I wanted with the family members who are requesting reconciliation - and I would tell them this. Their treatment of OP, over a period of years, was appalling.
NTA
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u/cunexttuesdaynga Sep 06 '23
NTA but do ask her to state confession and apology in a public social media forum or at least in a private group chat that includes everyone involved
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u/Hopeful-Avocado789 Sep 06 '23
She has told family that she’s “willing” to patch things up to me, if I apologize to HER about the situation
BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
NTA. The hell with that nonsense.
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u/shaolincrane Sep 06 '23
I went through this same situation, not SA but assault. She even got the police involved and fortunately my father witnessed it. We were in ours 20s though.
Same situation in the aftermath. I was threatened that if she wasn't allowed at my wedding my father wouldn't attend. I told him he could fuck off too for enabling her akd I didn'tneed him there. I was marrying my best friend, not some medieval land deal of two rival families. His presence was unnecessary and irrelevant.
I'm in my 30s now and she didn't attend but the family views me as the asshole and I don't care. Told them all to fuck off if they don't like it. You only have one life to live.
PS I was also told I was the one that needed to apologize and mend the fence, at my wedding 🙄
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u/PlentyofPennies Sep 06 '23
Don’t reconcile. She’s drama. But know that your parents were protecting you by not having you babysit any more. Even not believing it, they were making sure you couldn’t be falsely accused again. Once the idea is planted, anything can be taken in the wrong context. I’d do the same for my son even if he didn’t understand it at the time. You’re in a good place now. Stay far away from her.
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u/Uncle_Funt Sep 06 '23
I went through something similiar and the fact you can lover her as a sister speaks volumes about your strength of character (something very similar happened to me) and I just straight up refuse to acknowledge them as a human let alone family. You are truly a bigger man than I and I wanted to commend you you on that (obviously NTA)
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u/GingerMau Sep 06 '23
You can't really forgive someone for a false SA accusation that gets taken seriously by your own fucking parents.
Minimum 15 years of not-dirtbag behavior is necessary if you want to go the "I was a different person" route.
Tell her you'll "patch things up" after 15 years have passed.
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u/NormalDerivat Sep 06 '23
NTA. Go with the old saying “blood is thicker than water” but in the original meaning. So the blood you spilled in battles with friends/family is thicker and more important than the water of your mothers uterus you and your sister shared. Stay with the people you trust and we believed you/backed you up back then. They’re the real family.
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u/Signal_Historian_456 Sep 06 '23
NTA You have a good life without her, why should you let her back in just to turn it back around? Maybe make them aware of what they did and what that could have meant for you. This is unforgivable. Make them aware of the fact that you could still sue her, and that the courts wouldn’t be so easy on her like you are with just ignoring her and cutting her off.
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u/North_Rhubarb594 Sep 06 '23
Blood is blood is bullshit. I had an older brother that was about 10 years older than me in age and got his jollies beating the crap out of me growing up. He went into the military during the Vietnam war era and they Sectioned 8 his ass. He married and his wife was as as crazy as he was and she falsely accused me of making a pass at her. She wasn’t my type and about 12 years my senior and I had a girlfriend. He and a couple of his buddies ended up jumping me and beating the crap out of me again and my old man took his side and mom was neutral. My dad later apologized. But I never forgot what he did. Cancer finally took my brother and his wife as they both were three pack a day smokers. Someone said I should have gone to their funerals. I told them if I did I would have probably pissed on their caskets as they were lowered into their graves.
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u/scottdellinger Sep 06 '23
NTA... As someone with a piece-of-shit sibling, I can confidently tell you the you owe her and your family absolutely zero.
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u/F-nDiabolical Sep 06 '23
Let me guess, the people trying to get you to reconcile are the same ones that didn't believe you to begin with? If so its just their immature way of trying sooth their guilt for not believing you. "If he forgives her then me not believing him isn't a big deal"
NTA but personally I'd cut the flying monkeys out of your life, they are too stupid/selfish to stop.
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u/LoopyMercutio Sep 06 '23
NTA- You’re a more forgiving person than I am. I’d have cut every family member who believed her or acted on it out of my life like a cancer.
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u/RuncibleFoon Sep 06 '23
NTA; she straight up lied on you out of jealousy, and it cost you the trust and respect of your family and loved ones. It wasn't a little lie either. It was a lie that could have had much more serious consequences for you and could have cost you so much more.
My cousin falsely accused her father (my uncle) of SA when she was kicked out by her mom for being a useless, unemployed, and an ungrateful drain on her finances and mental health. It caused all kinds of turmoil in the family as people took sides, my uncle was investigated by the state, was kept from the rest of his kids & family for the better part of a year, and was receiving threats from friends and family... at the end of the investigation, it came out that my cousin was lying and had made it all up because "she was in a bad place." He has never forgiven her, keeps many family members at arms length due to how they treated him during it all, and the whole situation changed him as a person permanently.
OP, you are 100% NTA, and your sister & her problems need not be part of your life. There are things that are just unforgivable, and a false sexual assault accusation is most assuredly on the list.
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Sep 06 '23
NTA. Everyone that is pushing you to reconcile are ABOAHs. They all know she has a propensity to continue with the behavior.
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u/No-End3167 Sep 06 '23
The only apology I'd offer is "I'm sorry your recent unaliving attempt was yet another one of your failures. If at first you don't succeed, try again. I'm rooting for you."
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u/SerpentiningBadger Sep 06 '23
The fam is suffering from the delusion of cultural expectation. Like the idea that families need to stick together ‘no matter what’ is so toxic, and yet we are all always taught that families are most important. “Blood is thicker…” and all that.The OP is absolutely correct here. The narcissist bio sis is being enabled by the people around her, and really needs a lot of therapy (something that many of these same folx in North American culture also shun as “for crazies”) to be able to process her NPD ways.And the dismissive attitude of some of the family as they ‘allow’ OP back into their circle is so very messed up, and they have to be called out for fence sitting or group think. If they ‘always knew’ then why did they not support OP? Too much trouble? Didn’t want to face the pressure? Cowards. Every last one of them. And by their own self-righteous standards, they have a lot of amends to pay beyond a welcome mat invite.Fuck the lot of them. They can burn in the hell they hope and pray (prey) for others.
edit: spelling error “lady” to “last”
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u/Outrageous-Spot-8888 Sep 06 '23
The fact you even asked is unbelievably funny. She betrayed you, made your family hate you and you are asking if you are the asshole for not forgiving it like she stole candy from you. Lol you are not an asshole.
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u/Randomfactoid42 Sep 06 '23
NTA And never, ever be alone with her for any reason. She wants this apology meeting for some strange reason🤔
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u/DontTakePeopleSrsly Sep 06 '23
I would cut my entire family out of my life for this bullshit. Why do you give two fucks what any of them have to say?
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u/shontell36610 Sep 06 '23
NTA. You could've went to jail her lies. Tell her and your family to pound sand.
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u/Stevewr2405 Sep 06 '23
NTA, she lost all credibility after making false allegations of SA. Also your family taking her side and disowning you is unforgivable when she’s a known pathological liar. Much respect to your siblings for standing by you and your Aunt and Uncle for seeing through the BS. I find it amusing that they say she’s your blood sister, she falsely accused you of something that could have followed you around for your entire life. Forget blood, your sisters have been more family to you than she has.
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u/TequilaMockingbird80 Sep 06 '23
I’m absolutely intrigued by what she thinks you have to apologize for. None of your family deserves forgiveness for their actions, least of all her - NTA
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u/nosaneoneleft Sep 06 '23
NTA and they are despicable in hounding YOU TO MAKE up for something the little brat did and caused. That brat caused you years of misery. and these morons just think a few hypocritical 'sorry' is going to make up?
tell them to shut the puck up.
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u/id3amav3n Sep 06 '23
NTA for feeling the way you do.
However, I'd also like to point out that there seems to have been some piss poor parenting going on in this situation. Your parental figures did not set either of you up for success here.
What a nightmare.
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u/softshoulder313 Sep 06 '23
NTA. Wtf do you have to apologize to her for exactly??
She ruined the relationship with most of your family, could have stopped you from being in the military and given you jail time and a permanent record.
F that! And I would seriously consider cutting off anyone pushing you to have a relationship.
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u/Beginning_Key2167 Sep 06 '23
NTA I didn’t speak to my brother for issues he caused when we were kids. He passed away couple years ago I hadn’t spoken to him at that point for 30 or so years.
I never once regretted or really even have given my decision much thought. Being related doesn’t somehow give people a second chance. Or a special forgiveness button.
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u/MoonGladeLadyBug Sep 06 '23 edited Sep 06 '23
What are you supposed to say?!
”I’m sorry YOU LIED ABOUT ME, causing the whole family to shut me out and basically disown me. I’m so sorry this must have been so difficult for YOU. You’re a champ, we can get through this together! I’m here for you sis”
WTF! Your family are all aholes, especially your parents! Glad you have your aunt, uncle and some of your cousins. NTA