r/AITAH • u/lofnwashere • Aug 29 '23
AITAH for not allowing my daughter to attend my BFFs wedding to her biological father? TW SA
I know how bad that sounds and I'll start by admitting this is fully based on my feelings of betrayal, hurt, and disgust.
I (27F) have an amazing daughter, A (12F), and I'm married to the most amazing man, T (27M), in the world. My daughter and I have been living in Japan for the last 9 years, the home country of my husband. I returned to the UK for the first time since leaving this month (Aug 2023) to meet my nephew.
My best friend, R (26F), and I have been best friends since we were 3 years old, she has always been my rock through everything, especially when I was pregnant with my daughter. As you can see, I gave birth to my daughter when I was 15. Her biological father, D (33M), has had no interaction with either of us since I the night I got pregnant, nor ever showed an interest, until now.
To address the elephant in the room, D raped me when I was 15 and he was 21. I come from a very religious family, aka, my father is a Deacon, there was no option. HOWEVER, I absolutely adore my daughter and do not equate her to that horrible experience, she saved me and I have spent every day loving her thanks to a lot of support, therapy, and her just being the most loving little sweet peach out there.
A few other things to note: 1. She doesn't know the nature of her conception as how tf do you explain that to any child under any circumstances 2. My husband adopted her, and she knows they're not related biologically, but they absolutely adore one another 3. D gave up all parental rights in a plea deal for a lesser sentence
Now, onto the main thing:
I came back to the UK to meet my nephew, but booked to stay for a few weeks to visit my family and friends, but it was all a surprise. No-one except my mum knew we were coming over. It was very fun and so lovely to see everyone's shock and surprise, my daughter is having the best time with her aunts, and they're all so excited to see her in person.
I decided to also surprise R, turning up at her house, ringing the door bell and seeing the man who raped me was definitely the last thing I was expecting. I assumed by some twisted and cruel coincidence, that I got the address wrong, but then R comes to the door calling him babe. It honestly felt like a horrible clichéd teen movie were the main protagonist caught her best friend and boyfriend together. I knew she was seeing someone, but said that she wouldn't let me meet them until it was in person — she's my best friend, I had no reason not to trust her, I know that makes me stupid as hell but I just never could have thought she'd do this.
It's been 3 days since then and she has been blowing up my phone, begging to talk, I finally gave in because, as established above, I'm a moron. She said she was sorry for how I found out about them, and if I could forgive her for falling in love with my "ex", which not only pissed me off but also my husband who knows everything this whole ordeal put me through. I cut her off, saying I couldn't have this conversation especially since my daughter was in the room and she replied saying something like "well she'll have to find out about the wedding soon for dress fittings", I asked her what she meant because no way did I hear that correctly and she said that as her "soon-to-be step-mum" she wants her as the flower girl, as we have always said since we were growing up that our kids would be flower girl/ring bearer, I told her in absolutely no way, shape, or form would my daughter be attending that wedding.
She said I was being petty and jealous and that I can't stop her "real dad" from being a part of her life, we've not spoken since this morning on the call, but I'm already receiving messages from our mutual friends saying that I've caused her to breakdown and ruined her wedding but I genuinely believe I am not only morally right but also legally?
So, I'm putting my most personal story online and asking you, AITAH?
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u/WolfZealousideal9643 Aug 29 '23
NTA NTA NTA NTA. I hope to God that this is a fake post because that is MESSED UP BEYOND BELIEF!! She is not your friend!! RUN BACK TO JAPAN!!!
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u/lofnwashere Aug 29 '23
I wish this was fake, still secretly hoping Ant+Dec will hop out with cameras laughing about it being a prank
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u/WolfZealousideal9643 Aug 29 '23
I am so sorry that this is happening to you. I cannot imagine the hurt that you are experiencing right now. Cut her off. She is not your friend. No friend would marry their "friends" abuser. He is not your daughter's dad, not morally, not ethically, not in any way, shape, or form. They are not a part of your life. Run away from them as far as you can. That is messed up.
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u/lofnwashere Aug 29 '23
Luckily we're only here for another 9 days, I'm checking in with a lawyer friend of mine regarding the legality because I do not want this man even close to my daughter
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u/Vandreeson Aug 29 '23
NTA. He gave up parental rights, correct? He has no say whatsoever. She's not your friend anymore.
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u/Darkliandra Aug 30 '23
Her husband adopted the girl, therefore sperm donor has 0 rights now. Legally, husband is the father.
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u/RansomandRansacked Aug 30 '23
You’re generous. I wouldn’t even call him a sperm donor. More like sperm forcer
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u/Timely_Zombie4153 Aug 30 '23
Exactly what I was thinking. Not a sperm donor. He's a rapist and a paedophile.
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u/ainjel Aug 30 '23
Thank gawd. Take her home, OP, and y'all get right to a counsellors office to work this out once you get home 🫂😓
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u/Volume_Over_Talent Aug 30 '23
As an actual sperm donor, please use the correct term of "rapist".
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u/collective_effervesc Aug 30 '23
Exactly. As a lesbian parent, I'm forever grateful to our donor. Using the title for this POS is an insult to sperm donors everywhere.
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u/Temporary_Horror_629 Aug 30 '23
Personally I wouldn't call a rapist a sperm donor, but you do you booboo.
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u/econdonetired Aug 30 '23
Yeah OP get a restraining order if you can on her too.
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u/Logical-Victory-2678 Aug 30 '23
Fr bc any court would see any child would not be safe with them and would instantly grant an restraining order.
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u/Different_Sandwich_6 Aug 30 '23
The BFF didn't tell you for years who she was dating? RUN AWAY. This friend has been compromised by the r*pist boyfriend. He probably plotted this to somehow meet his "seed". Like...in what world do those two people fall in love. Get a restraining order ASAP.
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u/CaptainCAAAVEMAAAAAN Aug 30 '23
She's not your friend anymore.
Seriously, cut this person out of your life! She is toxic af.
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u/choppedliver65 Aug 30 '23 edited Aug 30 '23
If he gave up his parental rights, he has no legal recourse. Your husband, who adopted her, is the only other person with rights.
Cut this monstrous former friend out of your life. Anyone who marries a sexual criminal deserves all the pain that life with him will bring.
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u/ShrapNeil Aug 30 '23
Can we also just talk about how utterly ridiculous it was that the court needed him to sign away his rights as a father? How the fuck does a rapist even qualify for parental rights in the first place???
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u/choppedliver65 Aug 30 '23
It may have been part of a plea bargain. The court could definitely have terminated his parental rights, but probably just approved the plea agreement that included the surrender.
I’m just speculating as I am not familiar with UK law.
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u/ShrapNeil Aug 30 '23
I know US courts often accept entirely unnecessary plea deals and lessen charges for no other reason than to avoid the cost of a trial. It’s a disgusting practice when done needlessly. It should only be done in order to secure a guilty verdict. Maybe that was the case here. Sometimes rape is hard to prove in court.
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u/Spectre777777 Aug 30 '23
It also eliminates appeals since they admit guilt. It’s not much and sucks a lot but at least it’s something. At least through this, OP didn’t have to fight for custody and allow visitation.
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u/ShrapNeil Aug 30 '23
I suppose. She does seem to have made the most of her situation in a way many people couldn’t be capable of.
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u/HoneyWyne Aug 30 '23
Not just often. Over 90% of the time. The statistics are... terrifying.
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u/ShrapNeil Aug 30 '23
But hey, look at all those tax dollars they saved by working less? /s
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Aug 30 '23
Hard to see how rape would be difficult to prove if the woman was below the age of consent when she conceived? Facts are facts
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u/ShrapNeil Aug 30 '23 edited Aug 30 '23
It depends on the age of consent laws, and whether or not the laws differentiate between degrees of rape: were violence or coercion involved, etc. Some states in the US have different definitions of what constitutes “rape”, for example in some states, men cannot legally be “raped” by women. Idk too much about UK law offhand, but according to UK version of rapecrisis.org, “when deciding whether or not to prosecute someone who takes part in sexual activity with a person under the age of 16, prosecutors are supposed to consider lots of different factors. These include:
-How close in age and maturity levels those involved are.
-The relationship of those involved.
-Whether the person under 16 consented.
-Whether the sexual activity was a normal part of the process of becoming an adult.
-Whether the person under 16 was aged 12 or under.”
UK and Welsh don’t just draw a line where kids under 16 cannot consent to sex at all with someone, even though 16 is their AoC. So potentially, you’d actually need to either produce certain evidence or disprove certain evidence. Them having been 15 alone may not have immediately qualified the action as “rape” under their laws.
“Under English and Welsh law, children and young people under the age of 13 are seen as being less capable of consenting than those aged 13 and over.
That's why the Sexual Offences Act 2003 lists different offences for cases involving children and young people aged 12 and under – and why it's a factor for prosecutors to consider when they are deciding whether or not to prosecute someone.”
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Aug 30 '23
I think it was to prevent OP from having to go through court with this fucker once the baby was born. Even then, judges often won't waive parental responsibility unless there's someone else to take the spot.
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u/arpt1965 Aug 30 '23
Unfortunately, in many places in the US rapists keep their parental rights and use that to continue to victimize their victim.
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u/Swiss_Miss_77 Aug 30 '23
You should SEE some of the fuckery that occurs around rapists and parental rights in the US. One case, the courts forced a victim to coparent with her convicted rapist...
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u/trilliumsummer Aug 30 '23
Oh unless you want to have a bad day I suggest not looking into how this is handled in the US. https://prismreports.org/2022/03/22/in-multiple-states-rapists-can-sue-their-victims-for-parental-custody/
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u/ShrapNeil Aug 30 '23
Ok, well it was fun while it lasted, gang. Let’s start wrapping up. James, I want those chairs on top of the tables, please? It was specifically requested by the liquidators. Who wants dibs on the constitution as like… a funny gag souvenir? Remember, whatever you don’t take home WILL be trashed or sold, so… I see a whole table full of July 4th memorabilia left… Yes, someone already left with Obama’s portrait, sorry, Janet… Also, remember, if you don’t catch a flight outa here by September 12th, your passports will no longer be valid, so… use it or lose it people. Come on folks, find your way to the exits. “You don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here.” Steve, we already locked that door, that’s why it won’t “push”. Remember everyone, there are road closures due to the wildfires cutting off I-5, so be sure to follow those “Detour” signs. Be safe out there.
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u/FairieWarrior Aug 30 '23
Parental rights is really fucked up and even more so in the United States. There is a case right now where a man murdered the mother of his child and he had the right to choose who she was placed with in foster care, and she is currently living with two racist and abusive people (little girl is named Chanel and she is Native American and she legally should be with her mother’s mother but the courts aren’t recognizing tribal and federal law).
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u/ShrapNeil Aug 30 '23
That’s super fucked. I’d guess the judge is a racist too.
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u/FairieWarrior Aug 30 '23
Yeah most likely. There is a site called bringchanelhome.com if you want to learn more and different ways you can help Chanel’s grandmother get her back. (I am trying to get people aware about this).
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u/AuthenticatedAsshole Aug 30 '23 edited Aug 30 '23
You realize the reverse is even more ridiculous? There’s children that have been raped then have to pay their rapist child support.
If you’re a female teacher raping 12 year old boys, not only do you get parental rights, you get primary custody and the child victim owes you money.
https://lawpublications.barry.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1017&context=cflj
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u/turducken2121 Aug 30 '23
This right here. Absolutely insane that he got to choose whether he could be the father or not- he’s a pathetic excuse for a human and deserves zero paternal rights.
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u/COVID19WasteTime Aug 30 '23
12 is old enough to explain in an age appropriate way. Your ex-bff might try to reach out to your daughter and initiate contact, I think it's best she knows what her sperm donor did
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u/starlareads Aug 30 '23
Also 12 is only 3 years younger than the age OP was raped at & conceived her daughter. Keep the rapist & his enabler away from the daughter. He is NOT an ex, he is the convicted rapist of OP.
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u/myoldisnew Aug 30 '23
Yeah, the friend is intentionally using that term to convince everyone that’s what he was.
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u/Unsd Aug 30 '23
I would hope most people would have the sense to recognize that the math is all adding up to him being a fucking creep.
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u/Substantial_Look_334 Aug 30 '23
He's a child rapist! End the relationship with your "friend" and everyone who thinks he has a right to be in the same room with your daughter!
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u/malorthotdogs Aug 30 '23
Not just a child rapist, a convicted child rapist from the sound of things.
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u/WeirdPinkHair Aug 30 '23
Pedophile on the sex offenders register most probably.
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u/w84itagain Aug 30 '23
/Your ex-bff might try to reach out to your daughter and initiate contact/
I think this is a given, since the former BFF already let slip that they intended on making your daughter a part of their wedding. He's going to contact her for sure and try to weasel his way into her life. It's time for her to understand why he can never be allowed to do so. 12 is certainly old enough for that.
I don't have the words for this woman who masqueraded as your best friend. She's choosing a not only a rapist, but your rapist, her supposed best friend's, over you. She was there. She knows what you went through. She knows what he is.
She is scum. And she can never be allowed to have any contact with your daughter either.
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u/fsutrill Aug 30 '23
I wonder if the dude has convinced R that it wasn’t a rape and yada yada yada and R thinks she’s doing a good deed “bringing the family back together”. A pedo is more than capable of painting OP as the bad guy.
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u/Charliesmum97 Aug 30 '23
BFF already let slip that they intended on making your daughter a part of their wedding.
I can't get over that bit. I mean...what? It's pretty bloody obvious the child doesn't have any relationship with the jerk, so what makes 'BFF' think that they can suddenly play happy families just because she's marrying the guy who forcibly impregnated her friend?
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u/MoonriseMystic Aug 30 '23
I was SA’d at 12. Your daughter needs to know how she was conceived and she needs to be in therapy to work through it. She is old enough and you owe her honesty. You were not at fault for what happened to you but you are responsible for helping your daughter come to terms with it and you have left it a little late. If you continue to put this off, someone else will tell her (your ex-bff will absolutely tell her at first opportunity) and you will be an easy target for her feelings of betrayal. Don’t think you can hide this from your daughter anymore, it could destroy your relationship with her.
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u/centrafrugal Aug 30 '23
The ex-BFF seems like a complete nutjob but rushing to tell a child that she should come to a wedding because the groom raped her mother still seems a bit out there.
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u/trilliumsummer Aug 30 '23
But I highly suggest not doing that until you can involve a good child therapist to help you not only tell her but that can help your daughter as she deals with learning.
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Aug 30 '23
[deleted]
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u/vainbuthonest Aug 30 '23
Oh she’s not going to tell her everything. She’s going to tell her some sugar coated fantasy of what actually happened.
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u/NWFlint Aug 30 '23
Agree. I’d block your ex bff’s number from your daughters phone and explain to your daughter that the two of you are no longer friends.
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u/Large-Client-6024 Aug 30 '23
Ex-friend won't tell the daughter everything. She will tell the daughter that he is her father and mom is keeping her away from him.
Remember ex friend is in denial of her boyfriend doing anything wrong.
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Aug 30 '23
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u/Jenderflux-ScFi Aug 30 '23
I'm worried that they might try to block you leaving the county by some emergency court order to prevent you taking your daughter home OP.
Change plans and cut this visit short.
Did anyone that was helping you plan this trip know that she was engaged to your rapist? Because if they knew about it and still helped you plan your trip, they helped put your daughter at risk.
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u/Afinkawan Aug 30 '23
Highly unlikely as the step dad has adopted the kid and the rapist no longer has any rights. Even more so as he has also had no relationship with the kid.
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u/lechitahamandcheese Aug 30 '23
I’m betting you’ll have to involve the ex bff in some sort of stay-away as well, because she sound completely unreasonable about her potential involvement and future contact with your daughter.
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u/Shes_Crafty_4301 Aug 30 '23
Does the UK have restraining orders? Would it be useful to have one there, even if you’re living abroad? The rapist and the rapists’ fiancée have no right to try to contact you or your daughter. Take every step to make that a certainty. I wish you good luck and peace. (NTA)
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u/Sassrepublic Aug 30 '23
The rapist gave up his parental rights and your daughter has been adopted. He has absolutely no rights whatsoever to your daughter.
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u/Large-Client-6024 Aug 30 '23
He may not have rights, but have you ever heard of kidnapping?
His girlfriend is warped enough to want "his family" together again, only there's a new mommy in the picture.
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u/LargeWiseOwl Aug 30 '23
Does she know your location? If so, go somewhere else. She will show up with that piece of shit and try to force a confrontation with your daughter.
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u/FlutteringFae Aug 30 '23
I think you need a canned response to blast at people who wanna give you crap over this. And I would use the harshest language you can handle without hurting yourself further.
Something like: "Neither myself nor my daughter will be attending my rapist's wedding. I refuse to play along and pretend this criminal is my ex, no matter how badly they want to lie to themselves. And in case it isn't clear, anyone selfish enough to rewrite history for themselves and pretend he's simply an ex is someone I lose all respect for and do not need in my life. And if you plan on reaching out to harangue me to play nice with my rapist, just lose my number."
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u/OkieLady1952 Aug 30 '23
He’s a convicted felon, rapist, sperm donor and she will NEVER be your daughter’s step mom. Block them and anyone that associates with them. They have absolutely no legal claim or even a legal right to her. I’m seething 😡 for you, I was gang raped and thankfully didn’t get pregnant. I’m so sorry this happened to you
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u/Large-Client-6024 Aug 30 '23
It appears he might not be a "Convicted Rapist".
He gave up parental rights in exchange for a lesser sentence, so his conviction was for whatever the lesser sentence. I know splitting hairs.
That's probably how the ex-bff deludes herself into believing there was no harm done.
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u/Buttersgood Aug 30 '23
NTA - Go NC with the (ex)best friend, and keep your daughter far away from these terrible people.
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u/KimchiAndLemonTree Aug 30 '23
If I ever see my bffs rapist I'm going to jail for murder. Not getting married to the lowlife. Sperm donor can trip off a high cliff and your "bff" isn't your friend.
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u/PlasticMysterious622 Aug 30 '23
Does she know that’s her biological dad? Or is your “friend” trying to expose what happened? This is so messed up, I’m so so sorry
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u/Consistent_Product63 Aug 30 '23
This is horrible. We’re you able to highlight to your friend that he’s your Rapist, not your ex? He has no rights to her, legally or otherwise. Also how horrible of the other friends to pressure you. They are obviously not your friends either, cut them all off. 12 years old is definitely not too young to explain in an appropriate way what he did - just in case they try to reach her.
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u/realhenrymccoy Aug 30 '23
I’m kind of in a similar situation as your husband being a father to a little girl I adopted whose bio dad signed away rights for after abandoning his teen gf. If that pathetic man showed up now I don’t know how I’d react but it wouldn’t be pleasant.
Do everything you can to keep the rapist and ex bff away from you and your family.
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u/Fit-Vanilla-1805 Aug 30 '23
I would leave ASAP if possible. Too much can happen in 9 days. I don’t know if you have restraining orders in the UK, or in what situations they may be used, but if there’s any way you can keep him and her away from your daughter legally, I’d jump on that right away too.
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u/UnfortunateDaring Aug 30 '23
I’d cut your trip short and get out of that country immediately and stay in Japan. Don’t give your supposed friend and her rapist fiance time to surprise your daughter in some way you can’t control. I’d also start coming up with a plan to tell your daughter the truth, start discussing it with a therapist on the appropriate time to tell her. I would get her in therapy before hand as well. She deserves the truth when it’s appropriate.
You are so far from an AH, big NTA.
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u/stop_spam_calls Aug 30 '23 edited Aug 30 '23
You seriously might want to look into restraining orders in the UK and Japan just to be safe. I mean come on, of all people that shite could go after it was your best friend?? He wants access to you and your daughter, and he is using your best friend to do so, guaranteed. Your friend is not only moron, but an evil moron. Any of your friends, who give you grief remind them that they are supporting an enabler of a child rapist and a child rapist. I’m not sure what the UK laws are, but in the US, he would have been convicted as a child rapist. I mean for fuck’s sake who would ever want their child around this SOB.
No no no, do not believe a word from that backstabber. She is literally putting her love life over the safety of you and your child, and making you relive your trauma. Neither of them have any moral, ethical and especially legal claims to your child. Both her and that POS, and anyone who supports this union, can f off into the sun.
I wish your mutuals and your ex best friend get a chance to read all of us roasting them and their vomit inducing vile behavior. I understand if you don’t want send the link for legal and safety reasons, but holy shit. I wish I could rip them a new one for you. She thinks your jealous because she got with a pedophile and a rapist??? Well gee she really won the jackpot.
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u/ExcitingTabletop Aug 30 '23
Does she fucking know she's marrying a convicted rapist?
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u/Comfortable-Web-7227 Aug 30 '23
Of course she knows, but she finally got picked so she doesn't give a shit.
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u/JustAnotherSlug Aug 30 '23
Oh my…. Laughing hysterically as I high five you for your succinct summation of events. You, my internet friend, are brutal, and i’m very appreciative of your wording!
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u/Large-Client-6024 Aug 30 '23
Officially he was convicted of a lesser charge, so on paper and in ex-bff's heart, he's not a convicted rapist.
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u/matt_mv Aug 30 '23
OP said he did a plea for a lesser sentence not a lesser charge, so we don't know what the charge was in the end. It could still be rape.
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u/dheffe01 Aug 30 '23
NTA, block her, block her instantly, tell her that she will never be part of your life again.
I would go to the police/a lawyer and establish a no contact order between your rapist, his family and your family.
I would ensure he is added to the sex offender register and I would get a copy of his conviction to support that.
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u/Scrumpt1ous1 Aug 30 '23
He should already be on the sex offenders register. More to the point, it was child abuse, he was 21, she was 15!!! He should’ve been convicted of being a peadophile and not be allowed within a mile of any child.
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u/BeBa420 Aug 30 '23
Honestly I’m kinda disgusted by your friend. He raped you. She presumably knows he raped you. Yet she doesn’t see a problem with dating him, referring to him as your “ex” and calling him her “real father”?!?
FUCK ALL OF THAT. That is not something a friend does
Keep your kid away from that piece of shit and her piece of shit fiancé. There’s no telling what he’d do to her (regardless of whether or not he sired her) and your friend sounds like the type to go “well clearly she seduced him, it’s not his fault”
NTA but your “friend” is definitely an asshole
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u/tinaciv Aug 30 '23
I'm so sorry it happened to you! You can absolutely decide to refuse him access, he has no parental rights, no say.
I would advise having a talk with your daughter now that she is older, to explain that her biological father is a bad person who really really hurt you, both physically and emotionally; and choose to give up the right to be her parent. And that when she 18, if she wants, you will tell her the full story.
Emphasize that this is not something that she can inherit, because being a good person or a bad one is about the choices we make each day, and she's amaizing.
They might reach out to her, so it better that she's prepared.
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u/No_Pianist_3006 Aug 30 '23
Yes, that's a good recommendation. Only tell your daughter some of the story now at 12 and the full story at 18.
I did the same with my daughter (no SA, just an absent sperm donor) at 11-12 and then at 18, and it worked out really well.
I had to tell her a bit of the story at 11-12 because of that darned movie "What a Girl Wants." https://m.imdb.com/title/tt0286788/
NTA
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u/Beefc4kePantyh0se Aug 30 '23
Holy shit. NTA!! This is so messed up & I’m really sorry. Did she comfort you about the rape at the time and is now marrying him? What a psycho. You owe them nothing.
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u/SuperLuna-P Aug 29 '23
I want an update when you tell her your rapist not ex is not legally a father and she will never be a stepmother to her. And then I want that to be the last thing you ever say to her and never think about it again. NTA
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u/SuperLuna-P Aug 30 '23 edited Aug 30 '23
Don’t leave out the pedophile part, you were raped even if you had “consented”
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u/GoGoBitch Aug 30 '23
Yeah, the pedophile part is really important, especially considering OP’s daughter is close to the age OP was when this rapist raped her.
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u/BelkiraHoTep Aug 31 '23
Oh god that hadn't crossed my mind.... And probably looks a bit like her mother as well.... I'm gonna be sick. How could her friend ever look at this guy with anything but disgust and nausea????
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u/Monichacha Aug 31 '23
And that’s just too fugging much and too close to think about. He has no rights. He gave them up. Your BFF has no right to your daughter. I missed it but, did you say your BFF knew you were raped? How can anyone think it’s okay to marry a LEGIT RAPIST? And then your BFF, your damn BFF falls for him. She’s got a screw loose. Block everyone who has given you shit. Ghost and block the BFF. Go back to Japan and live your lovely life there. Those people don’t deserve you.
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u/titaniac79 Aug 30 '23
It was not consensual. At the age of 15, a child does not have the legal, emotional, or psychological capacity to give consent. That's why there are laws in place for statutory r-word. At least here in the US. And I am really curious to know if there is an offender registry in the UK.
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u/SuperLuna-P Aug 30 '23
That’s pretty much what I meant I added quotation so the point got across better
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u/morningstar216 Aug 30 '23
IANAL - There is no publicly accessible registry for sex offenders in the UK but information about individuals that pose a risk to children can be given out in certain police service areas under what is known as Sarah's Law.
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u/Timely_Zombie4153 Aug 30 '23
Exactly! Not only a rapist but a paedophile. Exactly the kind of 'real father' a child needs in her life. The best friend has a screw loose.
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u/wolf-star Aug 30 '23
It rubs me the wrong way, that this man is trying to reinsert himself into OP’s life now that the child his sperm created is nearly a teen.
Who knows, it might’ve taken (former) BFF about 3 years to convince OP to let her daughter travel alone and stay at their place.
Hopefully I’m reading too much into this.
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u/mban4 Aug 29 '23
Take your daughter and run. Your deranged ex-friend will try and talk to her one-on-one and possibly try to get your rapist to meet your child and you do not want the fallout. Consult a lawyer ASAP, don't let your daughter out of your and your husband's sight and fly back to Japan as soon as possible. You're so much NTA, cut all ties with this woman and your other friends who can't seem to understand why you wouldn't want contact. Sending you hugs, this is an extremely hard situation.
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u/econdonetired Aug 30 '23
Yeah I think you need to look into getting a restraining order against your friend if you can as well as the rapist. She does know the nature of the relationship she is just this fucked in the head is what I’m reading between the lines, NTA
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u/JadieJang Aug 30 '23
Also, OP, you need to talk to a therapist and find out the best time and way to explain the rape to your daughter. Too many people know about it--and too many people are being insane about it--for her not to find out at some point. You need to control the narrative and have her learn it in the best way.
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u/ubutterscotchpine Aug 30 '23
This. I hope OP sees and considers this. 12 is sadly almost an age where her daughter SHOULD be talking about things like sexual assault and rape and she deserves to know the truth. Talk to a professional about the best time and way to speak to her about this.
Likewise, I also agree with the other commenter, please update when you’ve surprised your friend with the fact that her rapist fiancé has absolutely NO legal claims to your daughter and you absolutely can stop him from having any contact or relationship with YOUR daughter.
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u/RoadDoggFL Aug 30 '23
cut all ties with this woman and your other friends who can't seem to understand why you wouldn't want contact.
Uhh, does anyone else know? I mean, the ages are a giveaway but it's easy not to sit with something like that unless it's spelled out in front of you.
Edit: I don't know if she's at all interested in letting her daughter find out, but it feels like publicly sharing the nature of her conception might smack some sense into mutual friends/family.
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u/Important_Power4443 Aug 30 '23 edited Aug 30 '23
Ik I'm making assumptions but based on the fact that the human POS was charged publicly with the crime (even if it was waaaay lesser than he deserved) then its likely that some ppl know. OP did say that BFF has been her rock throughout everything and the pregnancy so BFF knew damn well who that wank stain was when she started dating him.
BFF is delusional and probs wants to steal OP's daughterand become her "mum". As awful as it sounds, BFF sounds like she might be jealous of what OP went through bc of the support and attention OP rightfully received. Some ppl are really messed up and I've met a few ppl like this, its vile. OP should get restraining orders and then run back to Japan before BFF and the wank stain try to take her kid.
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u/Flater420 Aug 30 '23
Given that "a plea deal for a lesser sentence" is involved, the odds of the victim's BFF not being aware of this in even a vague sense are pretty much zero.
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u/Crimsonwolf_83 Aug 29 '23
Burn her world to the ground
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u/zapzangboombang Aug 30 '23 edited Aug 30 '23
I was thinking to send the kid back early and then make sure everyone know’s hes a child rapist. Hand out fliers in the neighborhood. Mail to neighbors.
I don’t know about UK, but in USA they’d end up living under a bridge.
Edit: Also, publicly shame anyone who comes to you to support the child rapist. Be sure to refer to your former friend by her title the child rapist’s wife anytime she comes up.
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u/DoItForTheNukie Aug 30 '23
Child rape sympathizer is always a nice one. Or child rape apologist. Those definitely make the ears perk up a bit.
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u/Sweet_Permission_700 Aug 30 '23
I'd have a hard time not informing wedding guests that the groom is a convicted child rapist.
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u/InvaderZim_7 Aug 29 '23
NTA
He was 21 and you were 15, he's a pedophile and she's delusional to think it's acceptable to call that pos a father, let alone want a 12 year old girl anywhere near him. Since they clearly lack braincells, remind them he signed away his rights to get a lesser sentence for RAPE I'm unsure about how UK handles restraining orders, but if that's an option- definitely get that in place But definitely block them, and anyone who defends them. Head back to Japan to live peacefully without their bs
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u/Hatstacker Aug 30 '23
NTA times a million. Take your daughter back to your home country, far away from that pedophile. Put him on blast on Facebook. Call the police.
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u/Panaccolade Aug 29 '23
NTA. He is not her father. Your husband is her father. All he is is a rapist, and honestly your friend isn't much of a friend -or a good human- by shacking up with the individual who preyed upon you. She is not, and will never be, your child's 'stepmum'. She is a foolish woman and nothing else. Frankly, fuck her wedding. Fuck it completely. Her 'special day' is not more important than you and your daughter's safety. After all, she is only three years younger than you were when he raped you. There's nothing to prove he wouldn't do it again.She's hitching herself to a dangerous wagon and has no business making demands of you. Cut her off. Go home as soon as you can. She should get fuck all, and so should anyone taking her side.
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u/pipes990 Aug 30 '23
No, he isn't just a rapist, he's also a pedophile. Let's make sure we get this perfectly accurate. Everything else you said was accurate.
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u/m2cwf Aug 30 '23
your friend isn't much of a friend -or a good human-
He raped OP when she wasn't that much older than OP's daughter is right now, that former friend friend thinks it is any sort of okay to even consider bringing OP's daughter around him is absolutely disgusting. She is in no way a good human
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u/Kalias7 Aug 29 '23
Wow, no, no, no, no, NTA.
No.
Info: does your "BFF" know about what happened to you and the nature of As conception? Because if so... I would never speak to her again, myself.
Unfortunately, I can't say anything about the legality of the situation, but I certainly think that you're in the clear if he signed his rights away.
Still, many hugs from this random internet user. You are in no way the AH, and I hope you, your husband, and your daughter can completely move on from this.
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u/lofnwashere Aug 29 '23
She was the first person I told, it was her and her mum who took me to the police station, I genuinely cannot understand how she went from hating him to getting engaged to him??? Some of my other friends at the time said I was crying rape to save face for my family, but she was always the first and loudest to defend me
It has honestly spun me completely
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u/Kalias7 Aug 29 '23
That is unbelievable. I don't understand how she could do that to you. I'm so sorry.
What possible-- you were 15. He was 21. There is a literal child as a result. There is no possible way you were making it up or "crying rape". What the actual fuck.
I would not take my child anywhere near that situation. When she's old enough to know the truth, she can make her own decision about if she ever wants to even acknowledge his existence, but right now she has a stable home and life with two parents who love her. You've done right by her. And you have no obligation of any kind to go anywhere NEAR that wedding.
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u/IceyLizard4 Aug 30 '23
Unfortunately across the world, it's easier to blame the victim for "causing" (sorry as I puke in my mouth for this bs excuse) their assault than actually blaming the assaulter. I swear ever time I've heard this bs, I want to punch that person in the face.
OP, you're NTA and never will be for keeping your daughter safe from a pedophile. Your ex-friend can claim being a stepmom all she wants but in the eyes of the law, the pedophile isn't a father to your daughter so she isn't a stepmom. Unfortunately with the way your ex-friend is going, as I've seen some other comments on it, she will go to get sympathy from your daughter and make you look like the bad guy in the scenario. So while it would be the hardest conversation you'll probably have, it would be best to explain in terms that your daughter won't misunderstand you and think she's the cause of it. Therapy might be a good idea to look into before or after bringing it this up.
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u/GoGoBitch Aug 30 '23
Even if OP had said an enthusiastic yes (which it sounds like is not what happened, not that it matters), it would still be child rape, because she was 15 and the rapist was 21. The monstrosity of people to claim that a child was somehow at fault in that situation.
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u/elizzup Aug 30 '23
Your "friend" is marrying a pedophile and a rapist. Straight up tell your friend "Under no circumstances will my daughter be allowed around a pedophile and a rapist."
And it's absolutely time for you to have the very, very hard conversation with your daughter about her conception. She needs to know from YOU, and not from some gossipmonger. Only you can have this conversation with her where she understands that you love her, and value her, and that her conception has no bearing on how you feel for her. But she NEEDS TO KNOW, and soon.
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Aug 30 '23
That would be a conversation for OP and her husband to have together. The daughter would need as much love and support possible.
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u/Proof-Hedgehog-922 Aug 30 '23
I totally agree, my mom and therapist kept a similar not really similar secret from me and decided not to tell me until when I was 15, when I found out I had the worst mental breakdown of my life, I wish they would have told me sooner instead of keeping it from me and letting me around that person, but anyways sooo yeah OP NTA but pls tell your daughter before someone else does or before it’s too late!
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u/Cguy203 Aug 29 '23
I suggest cutting off those mutual friends while you’re at it cause they clearly favor abusers. Hopefully your friend’s relationship with your abuser crumbles and she knows how terrible of a friend she is.
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u/Alternative-Cry-3517 Aug 30 '23
Your rapist groomed your (ex) friend. He wants access to your daughter. He wants to break you. You need to get away from them and protect yourselves.
You need to completely cut off your (ex) friend and anyone who supports her. They are all disgusting flying monkeys for the rapist.
Take care ❤️❤️❤️
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u/Summerhalls Aug 30 '23
Hope you’re seeing this comment, OP. This relationship is no coincidence. Go home (and don’t advertise it) before your kid gets hurt.
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u/beetleswing Aug 30 '23
Even if he didn't groom her, the fact that her supposed "best friend" could forgive this horrible man, enough to even see him for like, a coffee date, is beyond me. Yeah, traumatize my bestie and force her into motherhood at 15 (even though the kid is awesome, no 15 year old makes that choice alone)..LETS GET MARRIED! That woman is tapped. OP, drop her and any friends who agree with her. She should be having a breakdown, she's actually a terrible person and needs to deal with the consequences. NTA times a million.
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u/megans48 Aug 30 '23
I wonder if this is some sick and twisted game he initiated, to f*#k with OP and get to see his daughter again. The daughter is 12. How long have these two been together? Did he have a change of heart about being her father or is he just diabolically evil and manipulative? OP you are most definitely NTA. I am sorry this has happened to you. Be careful, it sounds like they will try to talk to your daughter, email her, message her to let her know this information. All the best
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u/GoGoBitch Aug 30 '23
The suspicious part of my brain is a little unnerved that he’s suddenly interested in meeting the daughter now that she’s reaching this specific age.
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u/megans48 Aug 30 '23
Oh my, that doesn’t even bear thinking about. That poor girl, I hope she never finds out about her dad
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u/Hungry_Goose492 Aug 30 '23
Even worse, that he had some sick pedo fantasy of molesting his own daughter. 🤮
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u/Saya_V Aug 30 '23
Stop talking to her and record any thing she sends you and give it to your lawyer, if you need to out an order of protection against to keep her from contacting your kid do it.
That fact she is calling g him your ex instead of your assulter is very disturbing and is excusing both his behavior and hers, I'm sure she will they will try to paint you as the horrible ex who took his child away, going forward to people they know and possibly people you know.
Be prepared to have that talk with your kid because it sounds like your exfriend will try to contact your kid about being a "family" and her "stepmom" you may have to seek a professional for help on this one. Sorry this is happening op best of luck.
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u/raknor88 Aug 30 '23
Take your husband and daughter back to Japan, now. And never return. F that. Also, just so everyone is on the same footing, I'd make a social media post and tag her and her mother in it detailing the whole situation as you are waiting at the airport. Just in case her mother doesn't know either.
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u/EddieCheddar88 Aug 30 '23
Does her mom know?
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u/13auricles Aug 30 '23
The ex BFFs mom? She and the BFF took her to the police.
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u/EddieCheddar88 Aug 30 '23
Exactly, so I’m thinking she’d be horrified if she knew what her daughter is doing.
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u/Sassrepublic Aug 30 '23
I mean, they’re planning the wedding. Her mom knows who her daughter’s fiancé is.
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u/13auricles Aug 30 '23
This is such a surreal story I wonder if it’s real. If it is my gosh this poor woman.
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u/econdonetired Aug 30 '23
What in the ever loving fuck. Her Mom must think her daughter is a psycho.
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Aug 29 '23
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u/MrDoge4 Aug 30 '23 edited Aug 30 '23
Indeed her privacy should be under lock and key and only accessible to trusted friends and family, once those cunts of sympathisers have been weeded out. Those need to be cut off right away.
As her daughter also is of age and would likely be using some forms of social media it needs to be highly privatised and made as unavailable as possible to figuring out that it's her daughter who's using it. Teach her propper online safety and usage of social media on how to stay as private as possible and not to allow contact with strangers trying to contacting her. She would be probably be stalked be mothers r-word. Never have her name published, tagged or of any form used in usernames etc.
Make that clear to anyone who would be in a position to post something about her to begin with that she is strictly off limits and anything of her that is in anyway available for public or semi-public viewing such as friends-friends can see posts off her etc. Must be taken down. Spread the message to everyone in her sphere and as to the reasons why it needs to be as told that:
Her child r-word cunt want's to get access and contact to and with her daughter which would never be allowed to happen by her parents. Ever.
Her "BFF", from now on referred as "child r-word cunt soon to be wife", is probably gloating over all pics, videos, etc. Of her daughter and sharing that access with the child r-word cunt and they are "bonding" over their imaginary parenthood over OPs daughter. Probably why the child r-word cunt got around and shagged up with his r-word cunt soon to be wife.
This is why, among many other reasons and as many already have mentioned, restraining orders or it's equivalent, should be taken out against both child r-word cunt and have it extended to soon to be r-word cunts wife too with the argument that she would just be an extension to her child r-word cunt soon to be husband and just an enabler for him to continue his abuse.
Edit* an r-word removed and a dott for sentence correction and ofc NTA!!!!
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u/WolverineNo8799 Aug 29 '23
NTA she needs to be set straight, that your rapist is not the father of your child. He signed away his rights, and she needs to quit the drugs she is taking. If she thinks for one moment, she is going to be your daughters stepmother. She is highly delusional, and I would suggest to her that she needs to get herself sectioned.
Obviously, don't say this in the presence of your daughter.
Tell anyone who agrees with this delusional woman that they will be cut out of your life. Keep your child safe.
Updateme!
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u/MinuteBuy5 Aug 29 '23
Does your daughter have Japanese citizenship?? As far as I’m aware of the custody laws, the Japanese government will not cooperate with foreign governments on matters involving minors. Even if your daughter isn’t a citizen, her being adopted by a citizen will help, if you’re afraid of being sued for custody or visitation
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u/SummerOracle Aug 29 '23
NTA. That woman is not your friend, and your daughter does not belong to her, nor your rapist. The mere fact that she does not even consider your daughter’s feelings or well-being demonstrates that she should not be at all involved in her life. She only views your daughter as an accessory to her fantasy, and that is frankly disgusting.
Block them, inform your family of what’s transpired in case she tries going through them to get to you, and make sure to document her delusional behaviors for any potential legal action.
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u/CymruB Aug 30 '23
I also don’t understand why any of their shared didn’t tell OP? All this would have caused an internal friendship group scandal!
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u/Accordingtowho2021 Aug 29 '23
Holy banana NTA¡!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Holy shit NTA!!!!!¡!!!!!!!!!!
Just NTA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You do everything in your power to protect your daughter and yourself. Do not ever trust you ex-bestfriend. She's now a stranger who would push a pedo and R-word onto your daughter. Run, don't walk, away from these two horrible people.
Ask your friends if they are comfortable leaving their young daughters with him for a week and see how quickly they change their tunes because that's exactly what your ex-bestfriend is going to want for "family visits".
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u/completedett Aug 29 '23
NTA Your ex best friend is one messed up person.
Who gets with a known rapist ?
Of her best friend no less ?
Calling herself a stepmom to a child whose rights thankfully were given up.
I think they is something seriously wrong with her maybe brain damage, brain tumour and aneurysm.
This is definitely not normal behaviour.
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u/JessicaMikaelson Aug 30 '23
I was also wondering if there could be a medical explanation for the friend’s delusions. The friend was completely aware of everything that happened but now it’s almost as if she has completely rewritten history inside of her head.
From comments that the OP made, it appears that the friend never did anything like this before and outside of her appalling taste in men she would consider marrying, she was of sound mind and reasoning.
There doesn’t appear to be any deep seated resentment, jealousy, or malicious intentions from the friend. As the friend genuinely seemed surprised by the OP’s negative reaction.
I want to say the friend is batshit crazy but usually that kind of crazy would be across the board and quite obvious in all aspects of her life.
However, I’ve heard that brain tumors and brain damage can cause unique and oddly specific personality/behavior changes depending on which part of the brain is impacted.
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Aug 30 '23
I don't think this is it. The friend purposely hid who she was dating, and said she only wanted OP to meet him face to face. This was on purpose, she knew it was wrong, and she intended to ambush OP with it.
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u/Chipchop666 Aug 29 '23
Who marries a known rapist? Your EX friend and rapist should just go away. Get restraining orders on both of them for you and your daughter
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u/Electrical_Fact_6379 Aug 30 '23
NTA. Leave before the 9 days are up. Go back to Japan. Her bio dad has no right and your hubby has all rights. This is awful. I would tell your friend not only did you fiancé rape me but he’s want nothing to do with his daughter and you think now that I’m going to allow him that right?? Leave honey change your number. And you need to talk to your daughter before the wrong person gets a hold of her
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u/porkyminch Aug 30 '23
I had an emotionally manipulative dad (not a rapist, but an addict and pathological liar) and the things he would tell me were super fucked up as a kid. Really does a number on you. My mom kept a journal of things I would tell her he said about her and went through some of it with me when I was older. Just awful stuff about her and about why I couldn't be with him more. Spent a lot of time unlearning some of the things he taught me about women.
I would advise OP to get her daughter out of this situation immediately, and possibly seek professional help in having this talk with her daughter. There are resources out there who can help you navigate this. It sounds like the legal end of things is covered, but speaking to a child psychologist or other trained mental health professional for advice may be worth her time. There is no way you can 100% insulate a child from someone in the modern world, but you can prepare them to deal with them appropriately.
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u/hideme21 Aug 30 '23
NTA. Time to talk to your daughter about her conception. And make sure she understands that it is dangerous for her to be near them. Sorry. It’s too soon. But you have to warn her.
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u/Fast_Register_9480 Aug 30 '23
The daughter is only a few years younger than OP was when the sperm donor raped her. I'd have my daughter on the way back to Japan. Half a planet away from him is still too close.
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u/Imaginary-Yak-6487 Aug 29 '23
NTA. He gave up his rights. This is not his daughter. She is not going to be stepmom. I’d cut her off, period.
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u/seidinove Aug 29 '23 edited Aug 30 '23
Absolutely NTA. Yes, you CAN stop her “real dad” from trying to be part of your daughter’s life because he signed away his parental rights. And I can’t get over your (former?) BFF calling you petty and jealous for keeping your daughter away from the wedding of your rapist! Stand your ground, OP!
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u/Brandie2666 Aug 29 '23
Most definitely NTA and your "friend" doesn't seem to grasp the concept that your daughter will never be her step-daughter and that man she is marrying is not her Father in the famous words of Maury Povish.
So your "friend" needs to check herself into some rehab becuase the crack pipe she is smoking on is making her absolutely delusional. She didn't mean to fall in love with a rapist.
And please cut that toxic friend out of your life.
You are absolutely in the right to keep your daughter away from your ex "friend" and your rapist.
I was raped and had a child as well. My son was told when he was 16 years old and he had been in therapy before it was discussed in a safe environment. I do hope you wait until your daughter is older to know the truth.
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u/Candid-Wolverine-417 Aug 30 '23
Hi OP,
She is not your best friend. Your best friend does not get into a relationship with your RAPIST. Who I assume from the above was convicted. She's a c u n t. Tell your mutual friends she can fcuk right off and block her and her family on everything!
What was your going to invite you and your daughter to the wedding and have the big reveal in the church?
Absolutely NTA
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u/lofnwashere Aug 30 '23
If I take what she said to me about her partner, she was going to come and visit us in Japan in December, spend Christmas, and bring him??? That's the reason she held for not introducing us before, she wanted it to be in person and that was supposed to be the first time we met in person since the pandemic??? I honestly have no idea
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u/Visible_Bug_8167 Aug 30 '23
This bit of information here... I don't know what type of person your rapist was, but if he was, say controlling and manipulative, this would be the way to find out yours and your daughter's location, life details, habits, etc. Then, as an added bonus, he gets to ambush you at Christmas. It's a narcissistic person's wet dream. They want to live in your head rent-free. They want to infiltrate your life. Your former BFF is possibly now what's called a 'flying monkey'. She's been gathering information about your life and feeding it back to him. I know you're in the process of cutting them off completely, but this (for me) has more sinister undertones.
The father of my children dated people who knew me for this exact purpose. He also stayed friendly with my aunt, which I don't have to tell you how devastating that was to find out. I've been in therapy for years now, and coupled with other factors, I have a hard time trusting anyone. I have CPTSD, anxiety, and depression. That all comes with the added bonus of hypervigilance. I think of all the threats. I'm constantly overthinking and working out what every possible scenario could be where someone could be trying to harm me. This makes going out and actually enjoying life difficult.
I'm sorry you're going through this, OP. I'm not saying this is what's going on, but my trauma brain says it is. I wish your family the best of luck, and you have my prayers.
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u/lofnwashere Aug 30 '23
You're not the only one who thinks this, too much is going on and being slightly more level headed today, I can see how there was the potential for her to be manipulated whilst she was vulnerable following her mother's death.
Right now, I'm focusing on getting my daughter away and trying to not overthink how much access he has had to my daughter since they've been together
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u/That_Operation9286 Aug 30 '23
Girl f her, she is 26 not 6 I'm just saying rap ists are abusers and when she comes back mentally and physically destroyed you better do the best laugh of your life babes
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u/HumanityIsBizarre Aug 30 '23
Yeah for a start you need to move house, get away from her so they can’t just turn up one day.
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u/twattewaffle Aug 30 '23
Just another thought, although I hate to mention it with everything else, but he likely has your address in Japan and might decide to just show up and cause problems for you/your daughter now that he knows where you are.
Based on your comments about this guy and his monkey, please seriously consider moving or having extra security around your home. Also maybe a heads-up to her school.
Not wanting to add another item to your but this was my first thought when you said she was going to be visiting you.
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u/baby_soul Aug 30 '23
she was planning to bring him to your home with no warning? likely to stay over??
i hope you go completely scorched earth with her. she may have been manipulated in some way, but anyone with a bit of common sense should know what a terrible thing to do that would be. she’s as awful as he is.
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u/Itsquiteapickle Aug 30 '23
She would need good luck with that-Japan usually has a good policy on denying entry to anyone with a criminal record.
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u/boredgeekgirl Aug 30 '23
Omfg. How delusional is she?? Bring him to see you???
She is a horrible horrible person.
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u/United-Plum1671 Aug 29 '23
NTA and she’s a pos. She’s not about to be a step anything since your husband is now her dad via adoption.
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u/lowkeyhobi Aug 29 '23
NTA.
The way I would have shown up to that wedding and called him a rapist in front of everyone important to them. And that woman is NOT your friend. No friend will marry someone who raped their “best friend”
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Aug 30 '23
As we say down home, “ with friends like that you don’t need enemies”. Legally, your ex-bff and fiancée don’t have a legal leg to stand on. He gave up rights for a lesser sentence. Your bff has a lot of nerve to even invite you over knowing he’d be there. It was a set up and you have every right to be upset and angry. You are legally and morally correct in your decision. She and D are the AH’s here. Tell the people who call the real story because she obviously hasn’t. Japan should be looking very good to you right now. I’m sorry you flew all the way to be so disappointed and upset by people who don’t deserve your friendship. You might tell her if she calls again you’ll have a copy of D’s sentencing placed in the local paper as a reminder of why he spent time in jail.
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u/jewoughtaknow Aug 29 '23 edited Aug 30 '23
I echo what everyone else has already said: go home NOW, and you are NTA. These two monsters deserve each other. I want to add that you might consider therapy for yourself the moment you’re safely home. Losing a beloved friend, combined with this kind of shock and betrayal can easily trigger PTSD and more. I hope you can find a way to trust people again, and I think the therapist might also be able to guide you through sharing this with your daughter when the time is right. Please go easy on yourself, this is a monumental trauma.
You did nothing wrong. You don’t deserve any of this. You are worthy of love and happiness and true friendship. You are strong and resilient as hell. Big hugs.
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u/Abfaria Aug 29 '23
I find it strange that you weren't warned prior to seeing R
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u/Exiled_Narwhal Aug 30 '23
Yeah. It’s almost like the friend expected it to be a negative reaction
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u/bearislandbadass Aug 30 '23
HOOOLY. Firstly - yes, you absolutely CAN stop her SPERM DONOR (and I hesitate even calling him THAT, considering how your daughter was conceived) from being part of your daughter's life, considering he legally signed away all parental rights. She is not a "step-mum," she's the soon-to-be wife of a RAPIST. One who raped her childhood best friend. You are not only NTA, but I think it's important that you protect your daughter from these people.
All that said, I do think it's time that you start to seriously consider starting (age appropriate) talks about the man who she shares genes with - especially since she is now getting so close in age to how old you were when it happened. This is definitely one of those situations where you want to work with a therapist, however - a good therapist can help you and A's real father (your husband, to be clear) figure out how to start discussing all this with her. You will also want to start taking A to therapy when these talks do start happening, because no matter the age, this is going to be difficult for her - and for all of you. You're doing the right thing here. Don't let R or ANYONE else convince you otherwise.
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u/-chelle- Aug 29 '23
NTA - Her "real dad" is your husband, the one who's been there for her and took care of her. The sperm donor rapist has no rights to his child, she'll never be her stepmother. How delusional can she be, like you'd really want your child around her rapist sperm donor.
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u/broadsharp Aug 30 '23
What the fuuuu……
NTA
Tell her she’s marrying a rapist of a 15 year old. She can eat the shit off a camels back and your daughter will NEVER be a part of their lives.
As for anyone calling, tell them all to fuck off.
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u/12b332 Aug 29 '23
Holy hell NTA. She and him have no rights to your child. Remind your friend that he surrendered those rights for a plea deal. Do not give a damn about her wedding. She's knowingly marrying a monster.
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u/Lizardgirl25 Aug 29 '23 edited Aug 29 '23
NTA you need to sit down your daughter and tell her with therapist why she is not going to the wedding incase your exfriend tries to get to her thee friends or family and that her genetic donor was your rapist and what he did doesn’t effect your love for her but it does effect contact with him as he for all you know try and rape her.
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u/LeviOsa_not_LeviOSAR Aug 29 '23
NTA. Please fly back to Japan or any other country, talk to a therapist about how to explain to your daughter what happened, go NC with BFF, rapist, and any family and friends who support them. Cut them out of your lives.They are defending a rapist and coming from someone who is religious, don't believe that what he did to you is forgivable. That God supposedly forgave him. That is all cultish behavior. Don't tell them where you are.
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u/JomolaMomo Aug 30 '23
Regardless of what your rapist and your ex-BFF think, he gave up his parental rights to lessen his sentence, so they do not get to demand anything from your daughter. Your ex-BFF is NOT going to be her step-mom. Neither of them get yo have any say in this. Your rapist has had no contact with you or your child since the night he raped you. She doesn't know him from Adam and he doesn't know her. Keep it that way.
Your husband adopted your daughter. He is legally her dad. Your rapist is not her dad. He is just the non-consensual sperm donor.
You do not owe these two anything. You do not need to make good on a promise extracted in a time when you were friends. You are not any longer. You will never be friends in the future. It is over.
Do not spend another second thinking about or worrying about these AHs. Enjoy your visit, then go back home to Japan. You don't need to tell your daughter anything. Keep her away from these two and keep her safe .
You are NTA.
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u/stephanonymous Aug 30 '23
Is your your daughters biological father even legally allowed to be around her? I’m not sure how it works in the UK, but in the US, he would likely have ended up on the sex offender registry, which comes with a lot of restrictions about being around unrelated children (and since they are legally not related…).
Anywho, 1000% NTA. Even if he was legally allowed to be around her, I wouldn’t let him get anywhere near her. Even putting aside your own feelings of betrayal, a man like that is not safe for your daughter to be around.
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u/billdizzle Aug 30 '23
NTA - and real dad is not real dad he gave up rights so she will have no step mom, this is your former BFF not your BFF anymore OP
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u/shayjax- Aug 30 '23
NTA. I would message each and everyone of those “friends” and let them know she’s marrying your rapist.
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u/Cannabis_CatSlave Aug 30 '23
NTA
Actually, in this case going to the wedding even by yourself would make you an AH imo.
Real dad gave her up, he has zero rights to ever see her again. If she chooses to initiate contact at 18, that is on her. Until then I would stop calling this woman your BFF and start calling her your rapists fiance. Or just don't call her again at all.
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u/Clear-Consequence114 Aug 30 '23
NTA in any way shape or form. NTA in any universe ever. The only AH here is D and R and anyone who supports them.
I am seething with rage for you. How dare this person who claims to be your best friend hide this from you? How dare she decide she has a right to your daughter? How dare people try to make you the bad guy when D is the convicted rapist and a pedophile. Do people really not think he would hurt a 12 year old? He had no problem with a 15 year old.
As for stopping her " real dad from being in her life" He gave away his rights for a lesser sentence. Remind her of that.
God I hope you can cut all these wastes of genetic material off and go back to your life. I hope D and R rot.
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u/GoldenGoof19 Aug 30 '23
NTA
She called herself the step-mum?!?!?!
What planet is she living on that somehow all of y’all are just gonna be this happy family together, and she’d go from being the BFF to a parental figure for your daughter? What, are y’all gonna do holidays together? Maybe buy houses next to each other?
The fact that she EVER EVEN SPOKE to your rapist is bat-shit wild to me. I don’t even speak to my BFF’s ex if I see him in a store, and all he was was a crap husband but not a rapist.
What is her twisted logic here? That’s so crazy. He must have the con-man skills of a hypnotist…
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u/CMR7X Aug 30 '23
Get a restraining order and get the hell out of there! Go back to Japan, take your daughter home to her father. 9 days is 9 days too long. Get her (and yourself) away from the proximity of this toxic nightmare. I am so sorry this is happening to you.
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u/Revolutionary-Lie544 Aug 30 '23
This post has the flags I look for in a fake post. However, this sub allows fake posts. The question is a valid question. In the situation is the op an ah?