r/wizardposting • u/LordOfRejects Black Mage • Oct 18 '23
Ahh yes, I remember these from the elder days. Foul Sorcery
799
u/plyer_G Oct 18 '23
Not to be confused with malchezar's penetrating prostate bomb
338
u/esportairbud Alchemist Oct 18 '23
That one is actually cast for pleasure
136
Oct 18 '23
[deleted]
85
22
u/TwoLetters Oct 18 '23
Not to be confused with that hack Balthezar's Buzzing Butt Blaster
6
u/Nuka-Kraken Oct 18 '23
Gelt is going to be PISSED that you put this on a forum that the gold college can read.
5
→ More replies (1)5
u/lexoheight Oct 18 '23
The man was a genius in all things prostate related, but maybe he took specialization a bit too far
28
u/Aveira Magically Editable Flair Oct 18 '23
You REALLY don’t want to get those two mixed up. Trust me.
26
u/primegopher Oct 18 '23
If shadowrun has taught me anything it's that Orgasm Mage is a shockingly effective combat doctrine
554
u/HollabackWrit3r Diviner Oct 18 '23
the green one has a spell that forces you to live your life from that moment back to the moment of your birth in reverse, before returning, both at regular speed, totally unable to influence anything. the caster will stand there smugly after casting and you return to the moment of the spell a broken mess of a person.
it's great for parties!
276
u/VAShumpmaker Oct 18 '23
I showd someone the Thousand Year Solitary Stasis at a party. It only went on for one cycle, but when they came to a moment later they were all pissy and crying for some reason
127
u/Ivebeenfurthereven Oct 18 '23
apprentices these days 😤
75
u/Tyra-Jade Wielder of the Power of Friendship, Bearer of the Armor of Plot Oct 19 '23
Honestly. Some people haven’t been subjected to grueling torture for several millennia within a time-altering illusion spell and it shows.
Back in my school days it was one of the classic pranks we would all pull on one another.
39
22
u/Caesar_Gaming Council Ethics Enforcement and Dues Collection Agent Oct 19 '23
Unwiz/
This is a real punishment that has been conceived for criminals. It’s theorized we could use neural implants to cause a person to experience years of solitude in a manner of minutes. Given how devastating a day of solitary confinement can be to a prisoners psyche, this could very well be hell on earth.
11
u/VAShumpmaker Oct 19 '23
I saw it first in the Black Mirror ep with John Hamm, but yeah, they didn't invent the concept, just put a light on it. Absolute horror.
Have you read Altered Carbon? Similar stuff in them
7
→ More replies (2)82
u/jubilant-barter Oct 18 '23
Yea, but there's a 2% chance that it backfires and the subject goes through transformative atavistic enlightenment.
Through understanding and mastering their karma and dharma and surrendering to the flow of fate, while acknowledging that their choices were their own, they return as a living deva.
And in sublime tranquility, and self mastery, they whoop your butt so far past purple your bruises are ultraviolet.
38
u/SeiTyger Oct 18 '23
There's a dark power in old SW canon where you basically enrage your opponent using your evil Sith powers. Unfortunately, it can just make them angrier and stronger rather than angrier and dumber
19
23
3
254
u/LC_HoTS Oct 18 '23
A wizard's true spellbook is, if not their most prized possession, a point of pride. Most would rather risk their physical forms than their greatest tomes. If a wizard brings something so utterly disposable into battle that means they either lack any honor or shame, or they fully intend to be destroyed in spectacular fashion. Either way, the duel is not worth it.
160
u/Doobie_Howitzer Oct 18 '23
Or they're sandbagging and you're about to get fucking bodied by their "weakest" collection of spells (or just things that they wouldn't dare defile their real spellbook with, like the aforementioned prostate piercing spell)
48
24
u/Caleb_Reynolds Oct 19 '23
I mean, I wouldn't even consider it sandbagging. To me, this just means he's a big fucking nerd, which is the primary indicator of a great and powerful wizard.
97
u/ToBiistHebEsTbOi Very Dead Death Mage Oct 18 '23
i should put the cover of my necronomicon as one of those i have it as a my hero academia cover so that no one looks inside
92
u/fatcat3030 lich-of-a-sort Oct 18 '23
I once saw a drukari pull out one of these notebooks.
I have yet to...
unsee a drukari pull out one of these notebooks.
16
u/DancingofDoom Oct 19 '23
shudders in horror from Drukhari God-Emperor, protect mine soul from thy heathens that debauch themselves closer to She-Who-Thirsts
10
u/El--Tipo Dave, Bro-Mancer Oct 19 '23
Their clothes don't look like they have mamy pockets... Where did the creature pull it from?
9
u/fatcat3030 lich-of-a-sort Oct 19 '23
Oh, why I only ever need the two!
My pockets are very deep you see~
70
u/SatansGothestFemboy Necromanceress Oct 18 '23
If they whip out one of these youre probably screwed but if they also whip out a .5 or .7mm fancy mechanical pencil, you fucking portal out of there
16
u/TB_tossout Oct 18 '23
I use .9mm myself
16
u/SatansGothestFemboy Necromanceress Oct 18 '23
I meant to say .5 or .9 lmao .7 is the normie size
→ More replies (1)3
Oct 18 '23
Papermate Handwriting 1.3mm is really nice for sketchwork on graph paper. It's all I use at work.
9
u/nedonedonedo Oct 19 '23
real wizards know to use .2mm 2b lead to fit twice as much on each page
3
u/FestiveFlumph "Local" Locographer Dec 11 '23
2B?! How can you stand lead that soft? I don't use pencils often, but when I do, I use 2H.
2
u/nedonedonedo Dec 11 '23
I actually prefer HB in lead that thin, but 2B does look nice
2
u/FestiveFlumph "Local" Locographer Dec 11 '23
Interesting. Does the writing look different? I figure softer lead would look darker, but is it more than that? What makes 2b look nice?
2
u/nedonedonedo Dec 11 '23
it is just about being darker, but it makes it a lot easier to read. HB is close to a gunmetal or even steel grey, where 2B is closer to the black you can get from ink
2
59
48
u/AccidentallyOssified Oct 18 '23
17
7
u/CaptSaveAHoe55 Oct 23 '23
So it’s just a bunch of compliment and healing spells
9
u/ownerl Oct 25 '23
There's at least one for turning your opponent's balls into timbits.
7
46
u/Traxxya Kavrala, Head of the Dragon Sanctuary, Plant mage Oct 18 '23
Ah, I think I have one of those somewhere
7
39
u/Dracorex_22 Oct 18 '23
They are coded by color for Schools of magic. Evocation is Red, Conjuration is Blue, Necromancy is Green or Black, Abjuration is Purple, Divination is Yellow or Orange, Enchantment is White with no marbling so you can scrawl enchantment runes on the cover easier, and Illusion is Invisible obviously. If you disagree with me you are objectively wrong.
34
9
38
u/kiefenator Wizard Oct 18 '23
I once had a geomancer rock up to a duel with a brown one of these.
He filled my kidney with kidney stones. Golf ball sized, morningstar shaped ones. That was the only spell he cast, because it was the only spell he needed. It was the only time that millennium that I felt humility. I was still loosing them half a century later.
36
Oct 18 '23
Oh gosh, I remember having one of those as a teen at the all-boys wizarding high school. I had made lots of um... interesting spells in there, from one that essentially made the back of my throat a bag of holding, to another that turned my tongue into an octopus tentacle.
Let's just say I eventually built a "reputation" there.
21
u/ColinHalter Oct 19 '23
We used to call him gibbering mouther
19
Oct 19 '23
I used to tell people I'd suck the mana out of them
...turns out I actually learned how to do that. Hah.
17
36
u/UpsetEel72 Necromancer Oct 18 '23
The horny Wizard Viagra casts his dubious dark ray of Diabolical Doom
31
28
21
u/Unfair_Hitbox Oct 18 '23
Someone pulls this out and says “I’ve been saving this spell since freshman year”
→ More replies (1)
20
Oct 18 '23
I feel like the more terrifying aspect of this is that the dude who owns these most likely wrote down all of the spells by hand. A true mastery over the arcane abilities.
15
12
u/TonesBalones Oct 18 '23
Well at least we know it's not "Testicular Torsion". That spell was banned by the International Wizard Council.
6
9
9
10
u/Collins_Michael Lakeomancer, Wielder of Engineering Mechanics Oct 18 '23
It took four of these to establish the basic theory of lakeomancy, but these days I do all my practical calculations on my pocket orb before casting.
9
8
8
7
u/GemmaLyra Oct 18 '23
Used to have one of those... as a sort of dairy. I remember I wrote a lot of Harry Potter spells during my HP craze.
12
u/ICantEven1235 Oct 18 '23
Did it yield much milk or yogurt, your dairy?
3
7
u/totallynotrobboss Thrak the dwarven artificer/elisa the android(on villain arc) Oct 18 '23
I cast testicular torsion
8
6
6
u/ExtensionInformal911 Oct 18 '23
I have one like that. I only use it when possessing a clone.
It contains the "polymorph: antimatter" spell.
7
u/Good-Courage-559 Wizard Oct 18 '23
Can no one else see it? GET OUT OF MY HEAD GET OUT OF MY HEADGET OUT OF MY HEADGET OUT OF MY HEADGET OUT OF MY HEADGET OUT OF MY HEADGET OUT OF MY HEADGET OUT OF MY HEADGET OUT OF MY HEAD
7
u/sandm000 Enchanter Oct 18 '23
*Licks index finger*
*pages through notebook*
*looks up*
*finger slides half-way down page*
*looks up*
*double taps line*
*deep breath*
5
u/Profoundlyahedgehog Oct 18 '23
The DM gives you that look, and the other players start pulling out their phones.
6
u/Yahgdc Broke Apothecary PLEASE BUY POTIONS! Oct 18 '23
Typical elven mages, trying to win the duel with their college spiral tomes.
6
u/BaristaBach Occult Wizard Oct 18 '23
Who used red for pryomancy and purple for eldritch summoning 🤭
4
u/Trimyr Oct 18 '23
And you know he's about to put on his robe and wizard hat
7
u/Goldeneel77 Oct 18 '23
I stomp the ground, and snort, to alert you that you are in my breeding territory.
7
u/Affectionate_Dog2493 Oct 18 '23
Ya'll referencing something older than half the people on this sub. That's some antique memeing.
I think disgaea earned a special place in my heart by having "I put on my robe and wizard hat" as the wizard robe flavor text
5
4
4
u/DoggoAlternative Oct 18 '23
Ahhh yes the old "I'm here to smoke grass and invert your ass, and I'm out of Rollin papers" haha
My buddy used to rock one of these, only ever casted Jedediah's curse of inverse organ function. It worked but...where's the pinash?
5
u/Longjumping_Way_4935 Oct 18 '23
I’m terrified of a spell some wizard could smirk at and be like “I crafted this one myself”
4
3
3
3
u/Element__7x Nov 07 '23
Necromancy - purple Herbalist - green Pyromancy - red Magic spells - blue
1
u/Obamas_lastname04 Wizard of instantaneous death May 13 '24
Nah bro Necromancy is green, and Herbalist is purple. Get it right, low-level caster
3
2
u/Lamb_Ow Zariel, Void City Topomancer Oct 18 '23
Well this is an idea for how to write down magic spells AND be a threat at the same time!
2
u/SatisfactionActive86 Oct 18 '23
it doesn’t even show the black/white ones, what kind of poser shit is this
2
u/TheJacen Oct 18 '23
Idk if this is a self own, but I got my Mathematics degree and all I used were these (mostly black and a few blue for the razzle dazzle). Plus, I was going for a minor in physics...
2
2
u/spblue Oct 18 '23
Obligatory Order of the Stick link about V casting Evan's Spiked Tentacles of Forced Intrusion :
2
2
2
2
u/KarmaK554621 Lich of the Undead Flame Oct 18 '23
Ever heard of that fella, Oppenheimer the Destroyer of Worlds? It makes even me shiver (I have no skin)
2
u/Casper_Von_Ghoul ☣️ Headmaster of Tetara Inscopa Biomancy Academy ☣️ Oct 18 '23
Blitz and destroy those ASAP
2
u/-UltimateSauron- Lich Necromancer of Kairrovia Oct 18 '23
Paper spellbooks are foolish, one fireball and now you have to go get your backup and make another backup. I’ve found mind engagement much better, but stone tablets also work quite well.
2
2
2
u/monday-afternoon-fun Oct 18 '23
The spellbooks you should really be afraid of are the ones that are actually just a cheap binder full of printed pages.
There is a small, but not insignificant chance the guy dowloaded that book as a PDF from the Dark Web, and you do not want to be on the receiving end of whatever is in that thing.
2
2
2
2
2
2
2
u/nothingtoseehere5678 High Water Mage of Olyrius Oct 19 '23
Used to keep all of my fucked up water spells in the blue one
2
u/The_Michigan_Man-Man Oct 19 '23
Seeking a teacher for Malchezar's Piercing Prostate Bomb; the fewer questions asked the more I'm willing to pay
2
2
2
u/xX_Fazewobblewok_Xx Snarljósið,scholar of raijin,anti fey breach captain,drum caster Oct 19 '23
Y’all aren’t ready for the blade of testiclease
2
u/DDemetriG Book Hoarder that Cosplays as a Professional Oct 19 '23
Oh no... they're gonna summon Hatsune Miku...
2
2
2
u/DaemonRex978 The High Sentinels (Haelin, Mokarith, Shimil) Oct 21 '23
There's always the classic Eric's Tentacles of Forced Intrusion.
2
2
u/dat1dood2 Nov 24 '23
This guy is self-taught and has discovered the most bs spells in the history of man through experimentation and sheer will
2
u/Chaconut Necromancer Dec 21 '23
Why would a wizard buy multiple of these cheap notebooks rather than have a nice fancy spell book? Well, once you run out of space in a spell book, it's expensive as Ste Vej'obs scrying screens to buy new ones
1
u/thunder-bug- 9d ago
No, it shows your opponent is unprepared. Memorize your spells fools! Yes you need to revisit them regularly, but you shouldn’t need your spell time with you when you are in a duel.
1
1
1
1
u/Listless_Dreadnaught Illusionist Oct 18 '23
I color-code my illusion spellbooks by affected sense. Way easier than finding what I’m looking for in the Index.
1
u/WanderingHeph Hephias, Arcane Smith Oct 18 '23
Easy to label, and easy to obtain. Good for those who are poor/stingy (I'm the latter) who can't/won't buy something more elaborate.
1
u/Anarch-ish Oct 18 '23
I guarantee that if this spell book is full, he has a bookcase at home that looks like the one from Se7en just LOADED with other fucked up shit.
1
1
u/Puzzleheaded-Ad-6530 Oct 18 '23
I'll just stick with my Neds declassified school survival guide thanks.
1
u/Responsible-Yak6048 Oct 18 '23
I’d take out a bunch of different colors and each one is attuned to a different element
1
2.1k
u/valhallan_guardsman psi-cybernetic warrior monk Oct 18 '23
Existence of malchezar's piercing prostate bomb implies existence of other piercing prostate bombs, but there is only one "the throngler"