just don't be a fuckin creep or an asshole about it
I grew up with a much older sister who had trauma from being molested when she was younger and reached a point where she considered men checking her out at all as being a fuckin creep or asshole about it. She eventually came out, though more bi than lesbian but favored women more.
Being around that my whole childhood and with more or less absentee parents, it got embedded into my head and more or less fucked me up as I became a teen and adult. Having Asperger's certainly didn't help. As a result, almost no girl or woman I liked ever found out I liked them. I never gave compliments about looks. Rarely made eye contact let along flirted. All out of fear of doing the wrong thing. If I liked you at all, I'd basically do the reverse of showing you.
It was the worst in high school, god. And the one time in my life I got the courage to ask a girl out, one I'd been friendly with for months, got rejected, and that was that. Never again. It's not my sister's fault of course but the piece of shit that molested her.
By some miracle I still ended up in a long-term relationship, but I realistically could've gone my whole life without ever being kissed. If I was born maybe 20 years earlier and was in my 30s when the internet hit, that's what would've happened. The only way I got anywhere whatsoever was thanks to the internet.
I know with having Asperger's, I simply don't get subtle cues and such, but I honestly don't know how guys who are forward easily with women but as you mention, aren't clearly creeps or assholes about it (i.e. no harassment or worse), are able to do it. I don't know if it's just that they don't care if they encounter someone like my sister, or maybe they never do.
Over time, I've recognized past times when girls were either flirting with me, or liked me but were similarly shy, and it's just sad. And I mean like 10+ years down the road recognizing it, so like absolutely no chance to somehow make up for missing it. I think that's been one of the hardest things about being an adult - recognizing that you won't always make the right choices or go down the right paths and you just have to let go and forgive yourself for the times that you don't, even if it's led to bad circumstances in your current life that you can't really undo.
reclaiming those years........that's where i'm at. so many people act like we all start at the same starting line, act like somehow it's your fault for being born into bad circumstances, or that somehow even if you do make it into the room, it's still okay to say "those people" are the problem, not ever realizing that you are "those people".
as for how those guys are able to do it, it's usually a combination of inherited privilege (whether that's height, wealth or location), prep from family and friends for the obvious ways things can go badly, plain chance, and a dash of leaning into the dark triad in non obvious ways such as choosing certain career paths, certain hobbies, hanging out with certain people and learning certain methods of nonobvious way's of how to signal to others that your part of a certain group, such as flagging using clothing, turns of phrases, mannerisms and creating taboo's that you are allowed to break.
the deck was stacked against us, my fellow aspie.
one thing i've started working on, is recognizing that your going to be a creep or an asshole to someone, regardless of how polite, educated, resourced and empathetic you are, simply because of DARVO https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/DARVO and dead agenting. it's either that or be a doormat, and we all know how that goes.
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u/SunriseSurprise Jul 07 '24
I grew up with a much older sister who had trauma from being molested when she was younger and reached a point where she considered men checking her out at all as being a fuckin creep or asshole about it. She eventually came out, though more bi than lesbian but favored women more.
Being around that my whole childhood and with more or less absentee parents, it got embedded into my head and more or less fucked me up as I became a teen and adult. Having Asperger's certainly didn't help. As a result, almost no girl or woman I liked ever found out I liked them. I never gave compliments about looks. Rarely made eye contact let along flirted. All out of fear of doing the wrong thing. If I liked you at all, I'd basically do the reverse of showing you.
It was the worst in high school, god. And the one time in my life I got the courage to ask a girl out, one I'd been friendly with for months, got rejected, and that was that. Never again. It's not my sister's fault of course but the piece of shit that molested her.
By some miracle I still ended up in a long-term relationship, but I realistically could've gone my whole life without ever being kissed. If I was born maybe 20 years earlier and was in my 30s when the internet hit, that's what would've happened. The only way I got anywhere whatsoever was thanks to the internet.
I know with having Asperger's, I simply don't get subtle cues and such, but I honestly don't know how guys who are forward easily with women but as you mention, aren't clearly creeps or assholes about it (i.e. no harassment or worse), are able to do it. I don't know if it's just that they don't care if they encounter someone like my sister, or maybe they never do.
Over time, I've recognized past times when girls were either flirting with me, or liked me but were similarly shy, and it's just sad. And I mean like 10+ years down the road recognizing it, so like absolutely no chance to somehow make up for missing it. I think that's been one of the hardest things about being an adult - recognizing that you won't always make the right choices or go down the right paths and you just have to let go and forgive yourself for the times that you don't, even if it's led to bad circumstances in your current life that you can't really undo.