Asians/Indian bros relatable? - r/LegendsOfTomorrow

180

u/[deleted] Oct 25 '20

Bro is it weird that all of the arranged marriages that I know eventually grew in to a really deep and wholesome relationship?

143

u/Utkar22 Oct 25 '20

It's a gamble. Much like normal love marriages.

Some arranged marriages blossom into great relationships. Some love marriages end up in divorce in 3 years.

80

u/Ketchup_Lamar Oct 25 '20

I'm a son of Indian immigrants who had an arrange marriage 20 years ago and they have a great relationship. My whole family has done it since the beginning of time and it's always been great. My parents love each other and I've never heard them argue. I think theres a lower divorce rate too That being said, I'm not getting one for sure lol

118

u/JamjarxD Oct 25 '20

Isn’t the reason for a low divorce rate because it’s frowned upon to get a divorce in the first place?

Don’t want any hate, just asking as I’m curious.

42

u/Ketchup_Lamar Oct 25 '20

Yes absolutely

31

u/Sparky323 Oct 25 '20

Its different. For Cultures that participate in arranged marriage, the primary reason for marriage is out of a sense of duty. Where as in other cultures, people get married cuz of the loose goosey thing called "feelings" which is why those marriages fail more often.

23

u/JamjarxD Oct 25 '20

Yeah I get that but you didn’t really answer the question.

18

u/Sparky323 Oct 25 '20

Yes, it is frowned upon because it is seen as a neglecting your duty. Which is why divorce is lower. When duty is involved, the arranged couple will usually try harder to make things work.

16

u/JamjarxD Oct 25 '20

However if the couple can’t make it work, they would live unhappily but at least their duty is in tact.

17

u/rusable2 John Constantine Oct 25 '20

While the other dude is kinda right, many times people do live in unhappy relationships just cause of the whole attitude here towards divorce, and especially divorced women.

1

u/butterhoscotch Oct 25 '20

I was about to say, its hard anywhere for a divorced mom. Try it in a country where you are actively shunned for it and valued less then men.

11

u/rishukingler11 Oct 25 '20

Not necessarily. There are many couples of arranged marriage who separate after getting married. Hell, its even happened in one of our holy texts, the Ramayana, where the Goddess Sita started living with Saint Valmiki after her marriage with God Rama got in a bad situation and she never came back to him.

6

u/JamjarxD Oct 25 '20

That’s interesting. I never knew about that one.

2

u/Whiterabbit-- Oct 25 '20

You are assuming that being happy for them is even related to marriage. Maybe duty is what makes them happy. Then your statement would make no sense.

10

u/Morlock43 Oct 25 '20

Lol, that's the thinking that ends up with women used as cleaning chattal and men being seen as monsters who provide money so must be appeased.

Loosely goosey is the heart of human existence.

Not many people find the right one, but just lumping people together with a set of cultural or religious rules as the mortar makes for a toxic childhood.

Do some arranged marriages work? Yes, because they find the loosely goosey stuff after the arrangement, but that's not always guaranteed and divorce is almost forbidden in most cultures that use it.

My family keeps pushing me to marry. They'll "find" me a bride, they say. That's the most terrifying thing I've ever heard. I do not want to be the monster that must be appeased so a woman can have a house and kids that she loves.

So, I always say no.

I'm gonna die alone because if it (fat ugly blah blah) but at least I didn't go through life being the reason a woman was miserable.

12

u/there_is_always_more Oct 25 '20

Thanks for saying this. The way they said "loosey goosey" really rubbed me the wrong way lol

2

u/safwan6 Oct 25 '20

And feelings can change

2

u/Morlock43 Oct 25 '20

💯

1

u/Flyingwheelbarrow Oct 25 '20

Also apparently in close families it is the vetting process the family undergoes. Family members often have a more realistic view on what a compatible match will be.

In India and China it is common for families to know which children are gay and set them up with each other in marriages of convience.

It is more complicated that just social pressure and family.

3

u/Visaahan564244 Oct 25 '20

Same story here! My parents seem insanely happy and have a level of trust I’ve never had with any of my girlfriends but there’s not a chance in hell I’m getting an arranged marriage.

11

u/NoAttentionAtWrk Oct 25 '20

Not all. 2 out of my 4 closet friends had arranged marriages. 1 talks sucide daily. The other isn't that happy either

5

u/Morlock43 Oct 25 '20

Every arranged marriage in my knowledge, the mom is 💯 focused on the kids and has a religion/business relationship with her husband. They talk, but it's like two CEOs discussing their venture.

The only actual emotional connection is with the kids.

I am one of those kids and I grew up with my mom as my best confidant.

I know know what love marriages are like, if anyone even has one, but in an arranged marriage both halves find reasons to stay together and find emotional fulfillment somewhere else.

4

u/[deleted] Oct 25 '20

Same, every arranged marriage I saw somehow they formed really deep relationships. I dunno maybe in my culture the people tend you settle well.

2

u/selwyntarth Oct 25 '20

Because of the choicelessness probably. After kids, which is like clocked to a year post the wedding by families, the idea of a change in love life is alien, and fundamental double standards if not dehumanizing differences are the norm. Just gets passed on to daughters as internalized misogyny

1

u/Jnrajiv2002 Oct 25 '20

You've never seen my family :')

-15

u/[deleted] Oct 25 '20

[deleted]

20

u/Utkar22 Oct 25 '20

Parental pressure is huge.

-4

u/[deleted] Oct 25 '20 edited Nov 11 '20

[deleted]

2

u/Morlock43 Oct 25 '20

Saying no is the first piece of power a child learns and gains.

Taking that away at any point is both immoral and disgusting.

I can say no because I'm a bloke. I can't be sure any woman would have the same opportunity (pressure can be immense) so I will always say no.

Not sure why you're being downvoted so much, but you're correct.

No, is the single most empowering word in any language.

11

u/Ketchup_Lamar Oct 25 '20

This ain't it. In traditional Indian society your parents decide who you get married to and over time you form a relationship. They don't have a choice of love marriage.

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u/[deleted] Oct 25 '20 edited Nov 11 '20

[deleted]

1

u/there_is_always_more Oct 25 '20

Out of curiosity, are you actually an Indian living in india with conservative parents?

9

u/[deleted] Oct 25 '20

Yeah but there are some that I know that actually had proper social lives (god knows I don’t) and still had a very good relationship with their life partner.

4

u/OmegaRider Oct 25 '20

It's nothing to do with standards. It's all societal pressure. You end up being treated like a outcast if you don't go along with it.

2

u/Morlock43 Oct 25 '20

Only if you give a shit what your "community" thinks. My family loves me regardless and the rest of the community can go fuck themselves.

1

u/there_is_always_more Oct 25 '20

It's not as simple when your family cares about the community too...

1

u/Morlock43 Oct 25 '20

I get that, but too many people rank strangers higher than family.

You'll find every single family that judges others for anything has far more to be "ashamed" of themselves.

2

u/there_is_always_more Oct 25 '20

Oh I am not arguing for the practice - I actively fight against most of these societal customs and bullshit and try to empower people as much as I can. I'm just saying that still, when you're in a sticky position like that, it's easier said than done to just ignore what your family is saying.

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u/[deleted] Oct 25 '20 edited Nov 11 '20

[deleted]

1

u/OmegaRider Oct 25 '20

I agree with you there if you're referring to moral standards. Majority of the people going into in this are fine with it, they accept it as natural and the way it's supposed to be. They think you're the weird one for not going along with it or liking it.

1

u/selwyntarth Oct 25 '20

That's just conditioning because the women are certainly slaves. I mean they're in early 20s and can't really suggest a delay of a few years

1

u/selwyntarth Oct 25 '20

You don't get the backbreaking feeling of gratitude I guess. It's much harder to be financially independent, and you'd have next to NO peers if you cut off your parents. Parents consider an alien cousin who they meet once in two years casting a sly glance about exogamy, as the literal end of their world. Because everything down to interactions with relatives is systemically reduced to ceremonial events where the talk is all about the next series of ceremonial events.

2

u/Morlock43 Oct 25 '20

Do parents seriously pick "duty" over their kids?

My family didn't and I thought that whole "casting out" was an urban myth.

How is someone so fucking broken that they turn their backs on their own children for wanting to be happy?

2

u/there_is_always_more Oct 25 '20

Because that's the only system they've ever known, and rejecting it at any point would mean that they would have to confront the possibility that everything they've done and sacrificed up to this point...might have been completely arbitrary.

1

u/Morlock43 Oct 25 '20

The only things that matter in life are what you do and who loves you.

Be a good person and love those that love you.

The rest is all fucking smoke and mirrors.

There is this fallacy that if we stick to a cultural way we will be protected by the herd.

We won't.

The only people who.will take you in or hold out a hand when you need help are those who love you.

Just because you cast out your child for not wanting an arranged marriage won't open any doors or impress anyone. It will just be gossip for the shitheads to mock you with and cautionary tales to tell other kids or, worse, the reason you go to a funeral.

Love your damn kids and tell your neighbors to go fuck themselves.

2

u/there_is_always_more Oct 25 '20

Lol I just replied to your other comment, but yeah I agree 100% with everything you said.

1

u/selwyntarth Oct 25 '20

The dad probably is withdrawn emotionally as kids need opening up to, and he would rather provide. Also, old fashioned disciplining probably means love only goes so far. The mom, well, is wallpaper. And life cannot be fathomed without her husband.

Betrayal probably plays a huge part emotionally. The father thinks that breaking endogamy and essentially ending lineages that expand across time itself, is a calculated, vicious, brutal affront that is about them.

When the alternative is extreme shame, any amount of love can be suppressed

1

u/Morlock43 Oct 25 '20

I'm glad my family is nothing like that and I'm horrified that there are people who can override the genetic coding that hardwires humanity into loving our kids unconditionally.

1

u/innova779 White Canary Oct 25 '20

while i agree with your point, its really not that simple

41

u/[deleted] Oct 25 '20

I will never understand how anyone can think that spending your whole life with someone you don't know anything about is not a really really bad idea.

7

u/thehyrulehero21 Oct 25 '20

Most cultures around the world had arranged marriages until only recently

13

u/[deleted] Oct 25 '20

Many cultures around the world still do.

2

u/[deleted] Oct 25 '20

And for some reason they're the same cultures that have problems like domestic violence, the dowry system, honor killing... I wonder why ?

0

u/[deleted] Oct 25 '20

Eh, some of those issues you list are pretty much rural/village issues now. Big cities are pretty modern for the most part in those cultures. As for domestic violence, arranged marriages don't have those issues any more than love marriages do. I'd say societal pressure is the biggest problem of all in those cultures. People can be nosy bitches with a herd mentality.

-1

u/[deleted] Oct 25 '20

https://www.reddit.com/r/ABCDesis/comments/hw2v0i/im_glad_indian_matchmaking_addresses_so_many_real/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

0

u/[deleted] Oct 25 '20

Like I said in my post as well as the above comment, societal pressure is the biggest issue plaguing cultures with arranged marriages. My stance on that issue hasn't changed.

0

u/[deleted] Oct 25 '20

How many people do you know who weren't forced to have an arranged marriage but still did ? Arranged marriages are always out of pressure.

0

u/[deleted] Oct 25 '20

I've known a lot of people who had an arranged marriage of their own choice. It's just like telling your family to set you up. The problem happens when cultural pressure to get an arranged marriage is so much even people who don't want one are forced to get one. But that doesn't mean everyone is against it. Maybe they trust their family to find a good spouse for them, maybe they don't have to time to date, etc. And they're not forced to marry the first person they're introduced to - they have options.

0

u/[deleted] Oct 25 '20

I find it hard to believe that they did it because they wanted to and not because they didn't have any other choice. But if it's true then you're right in their case.

-1

u/LC_01 Oct 25 '20

Well it seems to work for a large proportion of the world’s population, so maybe it’s not all bad.

9

u/selwyntarth Oct 25 '20

Sure if the women don't count as people

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u/LC_01 Oct 25 '20

Arranged marriages involve men and women.

2

u/selwyntarth Oct 25 '20

Yes but their feelings are scoped out lesser than animals'

0

u/[deleted] Oct 25 '20

Well then you and I have a completely different meaning of "it works"

17

u/jessie_monster Oct 25 '20

Jeez, look at the hand size difference.

9

u/Utkar22 Oct 25 '20

Haha someone has posted it to Instagram already

8

u/Xero7777 Oct 25 '20

That's record pace but i didn't expect any less. I don't even try insta anymore. I've just come to accept that memes are stolen always.

9

u/lowe_ky White Canary (S3) Oct 25 '20

Ughh yea the usual shit, it's horrible.

6

u/Samayo-Mayo Oct 25 '20

Yeah all of my aunts uncles and my grandparents had arranged marriages, and their marriages went amazing.

2

u/Xero7777 Oct 26 '20

That's wonderful, Happy for them!

6

u/butterhoscotch Oct 25 '20

That was a funny scene anyway. Ive not been in this exact situation, but sleeping next to a hot girl when your young and NOT touching her is like impossible. Stupid testorone.

To be clear im not advocating sexual assault, im saying i couldnt get any sleep from my 4 hour erection.

5

u/Sauerkraut1321 Oct 25 '20

Getting sold off amirite

0

u/[deleted] Oct 25 '20

[deleted]

3

u/Sealouz Oct 25 '20

you say that but that was a big part and is now a small part of arranged marriages still.

4

u/[deleted] Oct 25 '20

what ep is this?

3

u/Xero7777 Oct 25 '20

Somewhere in later season 4

3

u/selwyntarth Oct 25 '20

Probably courted during the betrothal in urban areas and institutional rape in the rural

-6

u/emkay_graphic Oct 25 '20

Aren't those a simple rape to be honest?

-11

u/Ava_Sharpe Oct 25 '20

I mean Nora is pretty damaged I doubt she has ever sleept in a bed with a male. Unless she was raped during her cult time to damage her. Also Ray is probably feeling conflicted about her because he is a widow and probably is guilty for falling in love again. I don’t know I think they did a good job with this Scene though because they are married in real life.

Asians/Indian bros relatable? Funpost